Post by TIA Promotions on Dec 22, 2023 13:13:20 GMT -5
COLD OPEN
Through six challenges in the Last Man Standing competition, only eight remain. The names of the fallen are many, but are less important than the ones that are still here. After taking leaps of faith and breaking through walls, they persisted. They selflessly suffered in the name of charity, they feasted for an American Holiday, and they battled in an over-the-top rail boatle royale. Zara Ivory was the winner on that day, but Penelope Plimmswood sits at the top of the overall rankings. With one final mega-event left to go, questions remain. What advantages will Zara and Penelope have? What will the event be? And what will be the prize in this final event, the last event ever hosted by THIS IS AWESOME PROMOTIONS. Find out… now.
Deep in the secluded valleys of the Pocono Mountains, a stage is set for an exclusive race. Known only to a select group of elite challengers, today’s event lacks the crowds and presentation normally associated with world class athletes such as these. As the dawn's early light casts a golden glow over the dense frosted forest, the crisp mountain air of the abandoned ski resort is filled with a palpable sense of anticipation. Towering pine trees create a natural canopy, their needles gently rustling in the breeze, while the scent of earth and pine permeates the surroundings.
At the starting line an inflated black arch bounces with the words “LAST MAN STANDING” written in bold white letters. The muster area in front of the line is a cleared out circle amidst a sea of poled-banners. In fact, hundreds of banners flutter in the breeze, bearing the logos of the many intellectual properties of THIS IS AWESOME PROMOTIONS. The challengers navigate a field of flags, one for every logo, brand, shirt design, talk show, and podcast, created by the brand and produced for public consumption. Each flag has its own story. Each has its own sad ending. The eerie silence of dead ideas resembles a creative graveyard and a solemn starting point for today’s race. Some of the challengers ignore the flags all together, focused only on their future. Others take time to admire the work, some even finding their own accomplishments immortalized in artistic design.
At the base of the mountain, the fortified starting line comes to life with the energy of the impending race. The challengers—Candice Page, Daniela Raye-Weathers, Eli Buchanan, Jacoby Spencer, Jessie Lee, Penelope Plimmswood, Selena Frost, and Zara Ivory—prepare for what they know will be a physical challenge filled with unexpected twists. Anything less from the Sauce Boss would be uncivilized. Nervous energy buzzes between the challengers as they check their gear, tighten their shoelaces, and exchange nervous small talk.The adrenaline and anticipation amongst them boils to the surface as they wait for a sign.
All eyes go to the mountain as a motor is heard in the distance. The challengers gather together a little closer, anticipating the arrival of their enigmatic host. Notably, some of the challengers still, loyally, don their team colors. The Blue Team won the earlier parts of the show, but the Red Team still has contenders in the final. Last Man Standing, just like life itself, doesn’t award trophies at the beginning of the race. It rewards resilience… and perseverance. The journey is the reward.
The distant call of morning birds highlights the natural sounds of the valley. And all is calm, until the sound of a four-wheeler breaks the peace.
INTRODUCTION
The distinct growl of an approaching four-wheeler pierces the quietude, and emerging from the forest comes the man himself. The Sauce Boss.
Dressed in a unique blend of casual and formal, the Sauce Boss wears a sports coat over a plain black t-shirt emblazoned with the words "THIS IS AWESOME." A proud grin plays on his lips as he navigates the vehicle with practiced ease, pulling up to the assembled challengers. The roar of the engine subsides as Saucey dismounts and glances over the eager faces before him.
"Good morning, challengers!" he exclaims before raising his hand for attention. His eyes turn to the rucksacks stacked up on the back of his four wheeler. "Before we get started, I’d like to do a little story time. When each of you were invited to this competition, the show was completely different. We top names signed on to appear as team coaches. Major sponsors were pumping lots of money into production. We were going to do a massive Draft Day show and a weekly Twitch Stream to recap the results. We had even reserved a prison just outside of Tijuana, Mexico to host the event. All of that fell apart over an online disagreement. It goes to show you just how fragile things are in this world and just how easily your allies will turn their backs on you. When everyone else told me I was crazy and told me to cancel the event, I doubled down, gave them the finger, and did it anyway. That would not have been possible without you. The eight of you are the ones who had enough balls to ignore the chatter and believe your own eyes. You’ll never understand just how much that has meant to me. And you’ll always have my gratitude for that. Your dedication throughout this competition has kept me motivated to put together a challenge worthy of your efforts and that’s exactly what we’ve done here today. Although this will be the final show ever produced by THIS IS AWESOME PROMOTIONS, it’s still one of my favorites. Let’s hope that I put together a challenge worthy of your expectations. Let’s find out! Welcome to the finale of LAST MAN STANDING!!!”
“Now, let’s get on to the challenge. Behind me is… THE CRAG. Today, you’ll embark on a 5-mile journey up and down THE CRAG as a test of both strength, character, and endurance. But don’t worry friends, you won’t go alone. I brought you a gift.” The faces of the challengers foolishly perk up. Saucey begins picking up rucksacks on the back of his vehicle, each decorated with the logos designed by the challengers earlier in the competition. He first walks to Penelope Plimmswood and hands her hers.
“I didn’t want today’s event to be too easy for you, so, each of the bags you’re about to be presented include an amount of weight based on your current standing in the competition. Your goal is to run up this mountain, stopping at each station to pick up a flag, and then return back to this finish line with your bag, the flags you found along the way, and the weights that I so generously have gifted you. Penelope, your bag doesn’t contain any weights. Lucky you. Bet you’re glad you have that one point lead now aren’t you? Selena Frost, your bag contains 2% of your body weight . Don’t worry, I won’t share the actual number of pounds. Wouldn’t want to break girlcode. Up next, Eli Buchanan. Your bag contains 4% of your body weight. Candice Page and Jacoby Spencer, you’re tied at the moment. Both of your bags have 6% of your body weight. Jessie Lee, Zara Ivory, and Daniela? Each of you will be carrying 10% of your body weight.”
His gaze shifts to Zara Ivory, who stood at the forefront. “Miss Ivory, at event 6, you won, by being the winner of the over-the-top rail Boatle Royale. Normally I give out elaborate luxurious prizes to the event winners, but for you, I have something extra special. Something you’ll need today. You get a one-minute head start in front of everyone else. Make it count," Saucey declares with a nod.
The Sauce Boss gestures toward the trail, marked with bold red arrows. "Follow these arrows, and along the way, you'll face challenges that will test your mettle. Fail a challenge, and there’s a punishment. 30 burpees. Are we clear?" he asks as his eyes meet each challenger's gaze. The group nods in unison, their determination unyielding.
“Go to the top of THE CRAG and then come back down and see me. I’ll be watching from afar. Any questions?" Saucey inquires, but the challengers remain silent. He commences a countdown, “30, 29, 28… just kidding”,he says. Then he starts the real countdown, “10, 9, 8, I’m so proud of each of you. Thank you for being here. 7, 6, 5. As the countdown approaches crescendo and hits zero, a flare shoots into the sky, illuminating the field in a burst of color.
Zara Ivory fires into action, her strides purposeful and swift, backpack bouncing behind her as she seizes the minute advantage granted to her.
"Everyone else. May the best challenger win! 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Go!" The remaining challengers, prepared to sprint off the line, hit the ground and cover their ears as a massive pyrotechnic display bursts up from the ground, sending flocks of birds scattering, and echoes bouncing from mountain top to mountain top.
Saucey laughs at his little prank and then motions the challengers to get up and move their asses. After that, there’s only the rhythmic thud of running footsteps as the challengers and their weighted bags embark on a grueling 5-mile obstacle course.
STAGE 1
THE RUN
The race kicks off with a flat stretch, allowing the competitors to find their stride. As they approach a moderate hill, the pace slows. Zara Ivory is the first to hit the thirty degree incline and her pleasant jog in the mountains immediately turns into a real workout. Fifty yards up the hill a red arrow directs her to change direction onto a new horizontal trajectory through a trail in the woods. By the time she makes the change, the rest of the pack has only just approached the bottom of the hill. Sometimes the lead runner in a race sets a modest pace at the begining and allows the rest of the pack to catch up, but not Zara. She’s going flat out. Not sure what to expect and not willing to leave anything on the table.
At this point, all of the competitors are feeling the effects of the elevation change going from the LMS Compound in the Caribbean to running in the mountains of Pennsylvania. Their endurance is tested early on and by the time they reach the arrow at the top of the hill, some of the challengers begin to stand out as superior runners.
At the turn, the standings are Ivory, Lee, Spencer, Plimmswood, Buchanan, Page, Raye-Weathers, and sweet little Selena Frost.
The descent through a winding dirt trail takes the runners over fallen trees and through muddy stretches. It’s a casual respite for the obstacles that lie ahead. After a final S-turn, the trail spills back out into a field with a 30-foot tall apparatus only 50 yards away.
THE ROPE CLIMB
As Zara approaches the station, she encounters a knee-high pit of water with eight black nylon ropes suspended above. At the top of each rope is a red flag, the first of many required to finish the race. The rope, still dry and unmolested by other challengers, proves to be a simple challenge for Zara despite the extra weight in her bag. She clearly has experience using the S-Method of rope climbing and is able to make easy progress. She’s done this before. Almost effortlessly, she reaches the red flag suspended 30 feet above the water and quickly descends back to the water with a splash.
Just then, Jessie Lee and Jacoby Spencer come spilling out of the woods, side by side. They spot the oblivious Zara Ivory on the way into the water and watch her stuff her red flag into her rucksack before they too and hopping into the water. By the time Plimmswood and Buchanan are into the water, Lee and Spencer are halfway up their own ropes and Ivory is long gone.
Buchanan, Page, Raye-Weathers, and Frost exit the forest with just a few seconds between one and the next. Soon there are 7 challengers climbing ropes. Although Lee and Spencer are the first to reach their flags, both of them move slowly and have sloppy dismounts. They just don’t have the technique down as it seems. Eventually, Lee stuffs her flag between her breasts for a quick dismount and ends up losing her grip, dropping into the water from twenty feet up and clutches her knee. Spencer hits the water like a deuce and drops his flag in the process. Soaking wet, Lee gets back to her feet, gathers herself and climbs out of the pit. Spencer finds his flag and climbs out at about the same time. It’s Penelope Plimmswood that climbs the rope the fastest. She grabs her flag, and descends with grace, making up ground in the process. By the time they exit, the three of them are neck and neck with Jacoby Spencer taking a slight lead. Behind them, it’s a vertical race being led by Page and Selena Frost. While they elevate themselves to the top and calmly slide back down, it’s a different story for Daniela Raye-Weathers and Eli Buchanan. Daniela either doesn’t have the technique or doesn’t have the body for rope climbing. After a couple failed attempts, she has to stop and watch the other challengers to see how they are placing their feet. Rather than to fail and eat 30 burpees, she gets the hang of the technique and climbs the rope, but she exhausts more energy than she needs to in the process. She grabs her flag, drops off the rope from ten feet, and moves towards the next obstacle. Eli Buchanan just has all kinds of trouble. Lacking any technique on the rope, he tries to pull himself up using only upper body strength. He fails, gives up, and is relegated to doing 30 burpees in the dirt instead. A costly mistake.
Current placement is Zara Ivory, Penelope Plimmswood, Jacoby Spencer, Jessie Lee, Candice Page, Selena Frost, Daniela Raye-Weathers, & Eli Buchanan.
THE BUCKET WALL
Zara Ivory is way out in front on the way to the next obstacle. The span in between stations consists of another half mile littered with mild obstacles including over-under logs, a wall climb, and an army crawl under barbed wire. The real test awaits in the distance as Zara approaches a pile of gravel next to a five foot wood plank wall. A stack of handleless orange buckets waits nearby. Zara stops to read the instructions then picks up a bucket and starts loading in gravel with her bare hands. Penelope, Jacoby, and Jessie arrive and start doing the same before Zara finishes loading rocks to the fill line. Then she snaps on a lid, hoists up the heavy bucket and starts the long penguin walk around the course set up behind the wall. This obstacle is twofold: carry the weight over a challenging 100-yard stretch and then hoist it up and dump the contents over a wall. The uneven terrain and the burden of the gravel bucket make this segment particularly grueling. Additionally, the women face an additional challenge as they must carry the same weight as their male counterparts, showcasing equality in the face of adversity.
It’s immediately apparent that the weight of the bucket is a daunting load. Zara has to put the bucket down 30 yards into her loop, right after stepping over a fallen log. Of the three chasers, Penelope is actually the fastest to load her bucket with Jacoby Spencer finishing right after. Jessie Lee, still favoring her knee, starts a little slower. The difference maker here is that Penelope is the only one to flip her bucket upside down to avoid the bottom of the bucket cutting into her fingers. Jacoby and Jessie have to stop after the log, just like Zara had, but Penelope is able to continue moving without stopping, catching up with Zara.
Four on the course when the other four finally arrive at the gravel pile. Candice Page and Selena Frost start filling their buckets simultaneously, but Frost is really digging hard, filling her bucket first, using the same flip technique adopted by Penelope and is on the course ahead of Page. Candice follows several seconds behind her.
Zara Ivory continues on the bucket loop, up and over a platform with three steps on each side, and approaches the final wall just as Daniela Raye-Weathers starts to fill her bucket. At this point, Zara decides to elevate her bucket with raw strength, popping the cap off, putting the bucket on her shoulder and lifting it on wobbly knees. Daniela starts her loop just as the first few pebbles begin to spill from Ivory’s bucket over the wall.
Eli Buchanan is able to witness the entire process as he approaches the obstacle. By the time he’s on the course, Zara Ivory has finished, grabbed her flag and headed off to the next stage. The next three challengers struggle over the uneven ground of the bucket loop, emphasizing the mental and physical toughness required to conquer this portion of the course. At the end, it’s Penelope Plimmswood that reaches the wall first, although Jacoby Spencer is right on her heels. Behind them, Jessie Lee continues to struggle, ultimately being overtaken first by Selena Frost and then by Candice Page.
The wall lift reveals to be more difficult than Zara Ivory had made it look when she did it. More than one challenger struggles getting their bucket up in the 5-feet height. Using brute force, it’s Penelope that is the first to spill her bucket over the wall and she takes off, in 2nd place. Behind her, Jacoby Spencer finishes in 3rd with Selena Frost finding a way to finish 4th. Next to her, Candice Page drops her bucket, spilling its contents on the wrong side of the wall, and scrambles to pack its contents back in. The error gives Jessie Lee enough time to elevate herself to 5th place as she chucks her bucket and takes a flag. By the time Candice stuffs the gravel back in its container, Eli Buchanan has passed Daniela Raye-Weathers and finishes simultaneously with Candice in 6th. Daniela finishes last, but has her sights on catching up with the pair in front of her.
Current placement is Zara Ivory, Penelope Plimmswood, Jacoby Spencer, Selena Frost, Jessie Lee, Candice Page, Eli Buchanan, & Daniela Raye-Weathers.
STAGE 2
THE ASCENT
Zara Ivory, fueled by the adrenaline of conquering Stage 1, now faces the formidable ascent up a black diamond slope to the top of the Crag. After a quarter mile run she meets the next station where a sign issues instructions. She stops only momentarily to read it:
Zara starts marching up the 45 degree incline. It starts steep, and it stays steep, all the way up. The ground uneven, the entire way. She hasn’t gotten far by the time Plimmswood, Spencer, and Frost arrive.
It’s an inspired start up the hill for the top 4. Those that dig in their heels, sprinting up the arduous climb, muscles burning from the sustained effort, and heavy weights in their hands. The incline challenges their cardiovascular endurance, separating those who excel in uphill terrain. The speed at which the competitors move is impressive, an indication of their level of endurance. Never skip leg day.
The final 4 challengers approach the hill in quick succession. First is Jessie Lee, side-by-side with Candice Page. They immediately start their climb, Lee still favoring her knee but fighting through the pain. Eli and Daniela start their ascent before anyone makes it to the station halfway up the mountain.
The mountain proves to be an equalizer as Zara Ivory finally starts to slow down due to the added weight in her rucksack. Selena Frost and Jacoby Spencer catch up to her while Penelope Plimmswood paces herself, conscious enough to reserve her energy. Frost is the first to make it to the halfway mark where the hill levels off and a hydration station waits for them with a set of flags.
Selena Frost is in the lead, followed by Zara Ivory, Jacoby Spencer, Penelope Plimmswood, Jessie Lee, Daniela Raye-Weathers, Eli Buchanan and Candice Page.
THE PANCAKE BREAKFAST
Sitting at the next station is a skirted table with a wide selection of drinks. Eight drinks in fact. A stack of black sandbags with familiar logos. And a sign next to the table that reads the following.
Frost looks out over the table and observes the drinks all set in labeled water bottles.
Naturally, she swipes the Glacier Water, chugs the ice cold contents, but is afflicted by simultaneous brain and chest freezes. She does finish her drink quickly, too quickly, and then clutches her head in pain trying to regain her senses. The pain stops her for second before she shakes it off. She eventually locates her pancake and hefts it over towards the hill, making the long run to a cone at the other slide of the slope. Later she would realize a fatal mistake she made while battling her brain freeze.
Zara Ivory reaches the table next and just copies Selena Frost by grabbing the first bottle that doesn’t sound unpleasant. It’s the chicken broth. Warm and delicious. Yum. She savors it as it goes down, warming her belly and sitting heavy. Zara takes the time to regain her breath and composure. Leading the race for so long had taken a physical and mental toll on her that became noticeable during the hill climb. Watching Frost finish before her was a blow, but she’s granted a bit of respite when Frost forgets to take her flag from the station after finishing a drink. Zara sees it, but says nothing. Who says Blue Team vs. Red Team is dead? Am I right?
Jacoby Spencer is the next to the table and does a quick review of the remaining drinks. He settles from the energy drink as Penelope reluctantly grabs the eggnog. The New York Jackass enjoys an energetic beverage now and then, so this acquired taste is familiar to him, but the quantity is alarming. He considers whether or not the surgeon general says its safe to consume this much of this liquid. I mean, you have to be 18+ to buy this stuff in most states. He YOLO’s it and figures that if he’s going to die, why not go out like this? So yeh, Jacoby’s heart might explode, but at least he won’t taste it twice, like Penelope and that eggnog.
At first, the non-alcoholic christmas beverage is a delightful treat for the Calamity Chamber winner. Spiced custard and raw egg. A Christmas delicacy! She loves it. Which suggests that at some point, this spooky girl actually celebrated holidays that didn’t involve trick-or-treating. Penelope chugs the milky drink in a terminator-esque sorority girl kind of way, but then makes a mistake.You see, she’s never done particularly well with heights, so when she looks back down the hill and out over the valley, the combination of exhaustion, dairy products, and acrophobia locks her in place. She gets a nasty rumbly in her tumbly that prevents the bottom third of the bottle from going in her belly.
Jessie Lee reaches the table and spots her nemesis, Selena Frost, in the distance just realizes she’s forgotten her flag and turning back to get it. Jessie gives her the old one-finger salute on the way to grabbing the Imperial Stout bottle and chugging it like a football hooligan. The big-boobied goth dommy-mommy is all woman, but she’s drinking it like a man who just lost his dog, truck, and wife in the same weekend. Safe to say that she’s chugged a Guinness or three in her life, just never out of a squirt bottle.
Zara Ivory is off the table and back in the lead, but Jacoby isn’t far behind as he finishes his energy drink and snatches up the pancake shortly after. “Blue Team till we die!” shouts Jacoby to Zara. She politely nods and everyone else collectively cringes.
Just then, the remaining three competitors reach the midway point one after another. To the surprise of most, Daniela Raye-Weathers is the first of the three, working off of a second wind she found at the bottom of the hill. Witnessing the other drinkers struggling through their beverages, she takes time to consider which of the final three drinks to take. PB&J Soda, Tomato Juice, or Pickle Juice. Pickle Juice it is. In her time as a semi-pro football player, she had heard players swear by drinking pickle juice to help with hydration. They say it boosts electrolytes, but she had never tried it until today. It’s not so bad. 6 out of 10.
Eli Buchanan is the next one in and snatches up the PB&J Soda, sucking it down, barely even tasting the contents, and only stopping to belch an unholy flavor that is neither peanut butter nor jelly. 3 out of 10.
Jacoby Spencer and Jessie Lee have already taken their flags and bags towards the next incline but Eli is able to catch them after carrying his sandbag on top of his head and jogging at an uptempo pace. We’re seeing a lot of different strategies here. In a pure endurance test, the results would be different, but the obstacles and strategies going into those unique challenges are really having an effect on the standings. There’s no telling what’s coming up next. It’s still anybody’s race.
Candice Page, who seemingly died somewhere on the way on the hill, is the final challenger at the breakfast table. She starts drinking the flavorless bloody mary. It’s not the worst thing she’s ever tasted, but it’s no treat. It’s actually unpleasant. She struggles to choke down the viscous drink as Daniel Raye-Weathers moves on. Penelope Plimmswood finally advances and Selena Frost grabs her forgotten flag and is back on the prowl. Candice starts to question her chances. With plenty left to choken down, Candice stops drinking. She calmly walks back to the edge of the hill and has a seat in the dead grass. She takes in the mountain view, reflecting on her family, her business, her career, her marriage. And for a moment, it all just freezes in place. And in this instant, she decides that her challenge has ended, right here, alone, on top of a random hill, in some random part of the world. It’s been so long since she just slowed down and embraced the natural world without clouds of smoke and smelly strippers getting in the way. She unscrews the lid from her bottle and dumps the rest of the red vegetable juice onto the ground, effectively ending her challenge. For what it’s worth, Candice probably deserves more respect than anyone in this competition. She does so much for so many other people and is so selfless about it. Going out on his own terms is the only way she knows how to go. Even though weed is stinky and strippers are gross, Candice deserves recognition for everything she’s accomplished (and I’m a massive fan). VooDoo is a legend.
Candice Page is eliminated and finishes Last Man Standing in 8th place.
Coming out of this station the placement is Zara Ivory, Jacoby Spencer, Jessie Lee, Eli Buchanan, Daniela Raye-Weathers, Selena Frost, Penelope Plimmswood, and Candice Page.
REACHING THE SUMMIT
The competitors, now fully hydrated, and afforded time to catch their breath, meet the next challenge. It’s the same hill they just climbed, plus 20% of their body weight in an awkward disc-shaped sandbag. The weight amplifies the physical toll on their bodies. As each of them take a few steps at a time before stopping to rest, re-adjust, and reconsider their life choices. It’s a crawl. A measure of mental and physical toughness. A race against oneself. “Embrace the suck” is what the marines say.
Many challengers find themselves needing to pause, not just to regain their breath but also to appreciate the breathtaking panorama unfolding around them. All save for one. Eli Buchanan. While Zara, Jacoby, and Jessie cling to the side of the mountain, equally admiring and loathing the stunning view, Eli forges on like a machine. He climbs the mountain while the rest are beaten by the hill. For most, it’s a struggle. A balance of physical prowess and mental toughness. So strategies are formed to keep one motivated. Pick a mark. If they move, you move. Stay with them the whole way and don’t lose any ground. Everyone takes time to stop, die a little bit on the side of the hill, and get moving again. But Eli isn’t stopping. He keeps eyes locked forward and passes Jessie Lee. Then Jacoby Spencer. Then Zara Ivory. Until he eventually reaches the summit and tosses his bag down in front of a red arrow and a sign. Eli takes the lead.
It only took about 12 minutes for Eli to make that impressive climb, while the rest of the field all took about 20 minutes to do theirs. It was uncanny. Like he was able to summon some sort of power that allowed him to do something many would consider to be impossible. Maybe it was magic. Maybe it wasn’t. I’ll never tell.
During the climb, Jessie Lee keeps pace with Zara Ivory, passing Jacoby Spencer, but there are very few other changes in the order as each challenger reaches the summit, drops their bags, and stuffs a new flag into their rucksack. Regardless of what they will admit, they are all physically taxed, and mentally drained. Let’s test their wits!
Current placement: Eli Buchanan, Zara Ivory, Jessie Lee, Jacoby Spencer, Daniela Raye Weathers, Selena Frost, Penelope Plimmswood, x-Candice Page.
STAGE 3
TRIVIA, BITCHES
At the summit of THE CRAG, the challengers are met with a sign pointing them to an apparatus about a hundred yards off to their left. In front of it is a sign. unique trial - a Trivia Challenge that combines physical exertion with mental acuity.
Starting with Eli Buchanan, each challenger faces a heavy sandbag attached to a rope, coiled over a pulley wheel. The objective is clear: elevate the sandbag by pulling on the rope. However, there's a catch – the sandbag must remain suspended in the air while they answer trivia questions.
Eli grabs his rope and plants his feet on a block before leaning back and pulling the heavy bag up in the air above the question line. As the sandbag hangs precariously, a question is posed to the challenger.
“What’s the capital of California?”
Eli, the purveyor of Hotel California, laughs at the ease of the question. “Sacramento!” He says as a bell dings and a red number 1 lights up on one of two scoreboards behind his rope. The second question fires out, only 4 more remain to be guessed right.
“In what year did the Berlin Wall come down?”
Eli, visually irritated by the question, and the fact that he doesn’t know the answer, pauses before answering in the form of a question. “1985?”
BZZZRRRTTT. Wrong Answer. “1989.” A red number 5 lights up on the second side of the rope.
“F*ck.” Exclaims Buchanan as he lets the sandbag drop before resetting for the next pull and question.
Zara Ivory and Jessie Lee arrive to take a station and pull their ropes. Trivia questions start firing off at all three competitors.”
“Who painted the Mona Lisa?”
“Which band sang Bohemian Rhapsody?”
“What is the chemical symbol for gold?”
By the time Jacoby Spencer makes his way to the trivia station, Eli Buchanan still only has 1 answer correct and owes 20 burpees. Zara Ivory has 0 correct and 10 burpees. Jessie Lee has 1 correct and 5 burpees.
Jacoby elevates his bag and starts with the questions.
“What’s the largest animal on the Earth?”
“What novel features a character named Holden Caulfield?”
“Who played the Spiderman in the original 2002 live-action movie?”
The combination of physical fatigue and mental pressure makes each question a high-stakes endeavor. The challengers must draw on their reservoirs of knowledge while resisting the urge to let the sandbag drop.
Daniela Raye Weathers arrives with Penelope Plimmswood and they head to their stations. Selena Frost isn’t far behind. Even though she’s currently in last place, this challenge has a catch-up mechanic for the information-savvy. We enter a 7-person trivia race to see who knows the most useless information.
From left to right, the scores are: Eli Buchanan 1-35, Zara Ivory 1-20, Jessie Lee 2-15, Jacoby Spencer 0-15, Daniela Raye-Weathers 1-0, Penelope Plimmswood 1-0, and Selena Frost 0-0
These questions are firing out now one after another in a jumble of words. Some challengers adopt a strategic approach, balancing the pace of their trivia responses with the endurance required to keep the sandbag aloft. Others, like Eli Buchanan and Jacoby Spencer are starting to show their frustration as they come up empty time after time. How long can they last, lifting up this heavy bag and answering wrong? Will they even be able to do the burpees once they ARE finished? Let’s find out.
“How many moons does Mars have?”
“To three decimal points, how much is the number pi?”
“What luxury brand is known for it’s red-soled shoes?”
The scores keep piling up with two notable trivia players yet to answer incorrectly: Eli Buchanan 1-50, Zara Ivory 1-35, Jessie Lee 3-25, Jacoby Spencer 0-30, Daniela Raye-Weathers 3-5, Penelope Plimmswood 4-0, and Selena Frost 3-0.
After 10 consecutive wrong answers, Eli Buchanan is steaming mad. He steps away from his rope and just watches the other challengers guess correctly, one after another. Can he even hold the rope for 4 more questions? He’s going to try.
Just a few slots to his right, Jacoby Spencer answers his 7th consecutive wrong answer without getting any right yet. Maybe he’s playing on difficult mode? Maybe he’s just unlucky? He’s heard questions for other challengers that he’s sure he knew the answer to. It’s just not fair. There must be some kind of conspiracy to give easy questions to the girls right?
Zara Ivory doesn’t think so. She’s still riding the struggle bus.
“What is the most widely grown type of avocado in the world?”
“Who holds the record for the most touchdown passes in an NFL season?”
“Who invented the light bulb?”
Then, there is a triple bell, as it appears one challenger has hit all 5 questions right, and Penelope Plimmswood is instantly hitting the dirt to finish off her 10 punishment burpees.
Eli Buchanan 1-60, Zara Ivory 1-45, Jessie Lee 4-35, Jacoby Spencer 0-45, Daniela Raye-Weathers 4-15, Penelope Plimmswood 5-10, and Selena Frost 4-10.
About 5 burpees into Penelope’s punishment, there is another triple bell and Selena Frost is up to start her 10 burpees.
A third triple bell and Daniela Raye-Weathers is working on 20 burpees.
And finally, Jessie Lee gets her 5th question right as she begins her 45 burpees.
The questions keep coming for the rest of the challengers as Eli, Zara, and Jacoby finally get another question correct.
“What is the chemical symbol for water?”
“What is 15 times 4 minus 5?”
“In Greek Mythology, who is Zeus married to?”
Eli Buchanan 2-70, Zara Ivory 2-55, Jessie Lee 5-45, Jacoby Spencer 1-55, Daniela Raye-Weathers 5-20, Penelope Plimmswood 5-10, and Selena Frost 5-10.
Penelope Plimmswood is back on her feet and jogs away in the direction of a red arrow, Selena Frost right at her feet. Thirty seconds later, Daniela Raye-Weathers is on her way to the final stage too. Jessie Lee is hitting the dirt hard, in pain, way too far behind to be comfortable, and generally just pissed off about not being in the lead.
The rest of the field just continues with trivia and the questions start to get easier.
“Who played the leading role in Forrest Gump?”
“In what city do the Bulls play basketball?”
“How many quarters makes up 6 dollars?”
Jessie Lee, finishes her punishment and heads off towards the woods, glancing at the remaining challengers. They all have so many burpees to do and still are a couple answers away from finishing. It’s doubtful that they will even be able to catch up. It’s time for Jessie to lock her eyes forward and make a surge to the finish line.
Eli Buchanan 3-80, Zara Ivory 3-65, Jessie Lee 5-45, Jacoby Spencer 3-60, Daniela Raye-Weathers 5-20, Penelope Plimmswood 5-10, and Selena Frost 5-10.
And just like that, Zara Ivory gets two questions right in a row. What a relief that must be for her. She just lays down in the dirt for a second and regains her breath before starting the 65 burpees she’s been assigned. It’ll be a grind to get those done. Hopefully the final stage allows some room for her to catch up.
For the final two, who happen to be the only two male competitors left in the challenge, they watch their chances of winning the show slip away. Jacoby Spencer quits before he ever gets to five correct answers, citing a hand injury where all the skin has been ripped off his fingers.
Jacoby is often a misunderstood character in this business. His eccentric looks and loud mouth lead many to believe that he’s an arrogant jackass, but the truth about his character, and what he has shown throughout the course of LMS is that Jacoby, deep down, is desperately seeking acceptance from his peers. The makeup, the hair, the shocking look is just a wall he puts up to protect himself from those that would reject him. Anybody willing to look beyond the exterior surely would be kind enough to accept any flaws of his true self. Most of all in this competition, Jacoby just wanted to make friends. He was an excellent teammate. And is a good soul. Don’t believe the hype. Jacoby is a solid guy and his participation on LMS meant a lot to those who were involved. In the end, he gave 100% iuntil his body couldn’t give anymore. Defeated by trivia. What a way to go. Be well, Buddy.
Jacoby Spencer is eliminated and finishes Last Man Standing in 7th place.
By the time Eli Buchanan gets his fifth question right he’s racked up 105 burpees. Any normal person would just give up, but Eli Buchanan is no normal person. He may not be human at all anymore. So he gets started dropping his chest to the ground, bringing his feet to his hands and hopping in the air with his hands raised. 20 burpees down. 40. 50. 55. He’s slowed now to a broken pace, peeling himself off the ground. It’s been a full 10 minutes after the rest of the competitors have already left the station. The game is over for Eli, he just refuses to admit it. Until he doesn’t. He taps out. No more burpees. No more Eli. Beaten by trivia. Big oof.
What’s known about Eli is that he’s always sold himself as a violent and enigmatic character. He’s strong, physically gifted, and charismatic as hell, and has a sadistic side that makes him a threat at all times. If LMS had a mastermind, it was Eli Buchanan. You always get the feeling that you’re never getting his full potential when you interact with him. Like he’s saving a special trick up his sleeve for when times get really desperate. It’s like he knows something that you don’t. Does that make him dangerous? Sure. But better than that, it makes him interesting. Some people are just easy to read. They’re predictable. But not Eli. You get the feeling that he’s capable of anything he wants to do and that the only reason he doesn’t win all the time is because he’s chosen not to. If you honestly believe that Eli couldn’t answer some simple trivia questions, then you’re just kidding yourself. A safer bet is that Eli stepped down from the competition to give a brighter spotlight to his protege and long-time associate Penelope Plimmswood. You haven’t heard the last of Eli Buchanan. Before you know it, he’ll be back, and when he is, things will happen however he wants them to.
Eli Buchanan is eliminated and finishes Last Man Standing in 6th place.
Placement after 3 stages is Penelope Plimmswood, Selena Frost, Daniela Raye-Weathers, Jessie Lee, Zara Ivory, x-Eli Buchanan, x-Jacoby Spencer, and x-Candice Page.
STAGE 4
HOMECOMING
As the challengers descend from the summit, they enter the exhilarating final section of the race, navigating a treacherous mountain trail, as it winds downwards through trees and rocky patches, adorned with obstacles seeking to test their agility, resilience and precision.
Penelope weaves between trees, utilizing her speed to negotiate the uneven terrain. The cramps in her legs are screaming at her to stop, but she refuses, not while she’s so close to the finish. To quit now just wouldn’t be right. She beat 49 other people to win Splat’s Calamity Chamber. She certainly can beat these misfits. Especially with a lead. There are times when she thinks about resting, but the footsteps of one Selena Frost can be heard not far behind.
For Selena, the end of this race is turning out how it started, just points behind Penelope. Fortunately for her, running is one of her strengths, and Plimmswood is in her sights. Rather than to try and overtake her this high up on the mountain, Frost keeps a moderate pace.
Higher up the mountain Daniela Raye-Weathers is happy to have the hardest part of the competition behind her. There were times when she doubted herself, but every time she questions her own ability, she thinks of the faces of her family. Her husband. Her father. And what they would say about her now. How proud they would be of her. And how proud she is that she took a chance and believed in herself. It’s all been worth it.
Jessie Lee hates running. She hates standing. She hates pretty much everything. But what she hates most is losing, and despite the understanding and ceasefire she’s agreed to with Selena Frost, she would abso-f*cking-lutely hate losing to her on this day. So she’s pumping her fists and running recklessly through the woods. Everything’s gonna hurt tomorrow, but not as good as victory will feel today.
And finally, there’s Zara Ivory. Despite the highs and the lows of the past few months, she’s still here, hopping down the bunny trail to the finish line. Often underestimated, and always underappreciated, she’s been the heart and soul of this competition. The woman has no quit in her. And when life gives her lemons, she kicks it in the balls, and gives it a Corkscrew Stunner. She’s running her ass off. Will it be enough?
THE CARGO NET
A cargo net looms out front. At the site of it, Selena Frost shifts gears and speeds up, meeting the net at the same time as Penelope Plimmswood. They both scramble up the net. For Selena it’s an effortless climb. For Penelope, she cramps up on the descent and drops down causing Frost to land awkwardly as well. Damn cargo nets. It’s sloppy, but Selena Frost overtakes Penelope Plimmswood.
The pile-up grants Daniela the opportunity she needs to catch up. In the distance, she can actually see the figures of Frost and Plimmswood pulling themselves up to the ground and jogging away. She speeds up and clings to the cargo net. Left foot, do it. Right foot, do it. Left foot, do it. Right foot, do it. Daniela is making things happen. So is Jessie Lee.
Whatever knee pain Jessie experienced after falling off of the rope climb earlier, she’s forgotten about it. With Daniela making her way over the net, Jessie begins her ascent.
It’s only after all four women have cleared the obstacle and sprinted away that Zara Ivory encounters it. As she grabs a vertical band and alternates her steps up the net, she comes to peace with the fact that she’s probably not going to win and probably won’t be able to catch up with the other women today. The rest of this run is for her, and she’s going to enjoy it, despite the pain she’s feeling all over her body.
THE WALLS
After a few hundred more yards, Selena Frost is the first to reach the next obstacle. It’s a series of three walls with one-inch ledges every two feet and a rope hanging down. The first wall appears to be about four feet tall and Frost boosts herself up and over with ease. The next is about seven feet tall. After a second of thought, Selena jumps up, grabs the ledge, muscles up the wall and descends down the other side. The third wall is all of ten feet tall and the climb is daunting. Frost uses the rope and steps up the ledges, managing to climb the wall with a fair amount of effort. Once on the other side, she grabs another flag (yes we’re still doing flags) and she is the first out of the obstacle.
When Penelope meets the walls standing in her path, she just copies the technique of Selena and follows right behind the race leader. Agile maneuvers conquer the barriers and Plimmswood presses on.
Daniela Raye-Weathers can’t see the pair in front of her when she’s at the walls. So she does the best she can, emulating purely by coincidence, the same technique to climb the walls. She has a little trouble ascending the final wall, but it’s nothing that a little boost from Jessie Lee can’t fix. “Get your big red ass over that wall Dani.” says red-teammate Jessie Lee, in what could be confused as a smidge of team spirit. Daniela returns the favor by dropping a helping hand and pulling Lee over the wall with her.
For Zara Ivory, the walls just represent another set of hurdles to tackle alone in the woods. But she presses on, up and over, up and over, up and over. Flag, bag, dash.
THE SPEAR
The woods finally end as the decline of the hill flattens off and the path turns right. Off to the left, the finish line can be seen, with the hundred flags flapping in the wind, and a cluster of small structures around an inflatable arch. Off to the right of the trail is the final obstacle (you can tell it’s the final obstacle because there’s a giant sign that says FINAL OBSTACLE), Selena Frost turns on the jets and arrives at the sign in front of an archery target.
Positioned at a distance, a target awaits. Both Selena Frost and Penelope Plimmswood take aim. Plimmswood throws impulsively, without preparation and with total urgency. But the spear tilts backwards and falls short of the mark. 30 burpees for her. Selena Frost aims carefully, exhales, and throws true. The spear hits the target… BUT IT DOESN’T STICK!!! That’s 30 burpees for her as well. It’s a calisthenics race for the lead.
Both women are completely gassed. , and each challenger is armed with a spear. The objective is clear – stick the spear in the target. Success grants passage to the final test, while failure results in a daunting penalty of 30 burpees. They drop down, going rep for rep. At 15 reps in, here comes Daniela Raye-Weathers up to the spear line.
If she can get the spear to stick, she’s going to win this thing. She grips the polearm, points with her left arm, steps forward and thrusts. The spear launches at the perfect height and descends, but no! It sails right. Welcome to burpee mountain Dani.
Jessie Lee is next. She sees the girls dropping down in the dirt and knows this is her chance to take the lead. One throw for it all. She limbers up before grabbing the spear. Aims true. Step, step, … fire… … it sticks!!! “FULLY F*CKING SICK!!!” Jessie Lee leaps in the air to celebrate and comes down awkwardly on the same knee she hurt earlier, but she grabs her flag, shrugs it off and goes jogging off just in time to wave at the approaching Zara Ivory.
Now Zara thought she had no chance of catching the other women. But here she is. A bullseye puts her back in the mix, but she has to hurry. No time to dilly dally. Behind her, Selena Frost is finishing up her final reps of punishment burpees. So Zara takes hold of the weapon, launches it and watches it stick!!!... about a foot in front of the target. She shot her shot and you can’t deny her that. With all odds suggesting she’s finishing fifth out of these ladies, she deserves a lot of credit for running the race she has.
THE FINISH LINE
Jessie Lee, in the lead, nears to within a couple hundred yards of the finish line when she finally realizes that the way isn’t completely clear. The finish line is guarded by a squad of gladiators wrestlers with crooked mustaches, yellow shirts, and purple overalls. Are those Waluigi’s? Somebody some day will have to explain why the Sauce Boss picked a gang of D-tier video game characters to defend the finish line of his magnum opus? Or maybe they won’t and it’ll just be a little joke that tickles Saucey every time he thinks about it. In the words of Hilldog Clinton, “What difference at this point does it make?” The Waluigi army wields formidable blocking pads. Behind them is a digital finish line sure to geotrack the progress of the geotags in the rucksacks.
Jessie looks for her mark, the skinniest Waluigi. She sprints at him but is flanked by a bigger, stronger Waluigi that puts her in the chilly mud.
This serves as the perfect distraction for Selena Frost to run behind the melee and sneak to the finish line, but the well rested and well equipped Waluigi’s track her and launch her in the air, off to the side.
The finish line remains unbroken.
Both women suck wind and struggle back to their feet. The Waluigi’s give them time to regain their footing. Rather than to make another run for it on her own, Selena Frost approaches Jessie Lee. Lee waits for her. Frost devises a plan. “Let’s do this together. One of us should win. We need to make sure one of the Team Red girls takes this thing home.”
Jessie Lee looks hard at Selena Frost. The rivalry between them stretches all the way back to the Denzel Porter Invitational where Jessie Lee had won that match and had taken home the THIS IS AWESOME Women’s Championship, but Selena Frost had never stopped challenging her for that title. On three different occasions, that rematch was supposed to happen, and that match was canceled. Frost would never get her rematch, so winning LMS means a little extra. To be honest, Jessie had grown fond of Selena in recent months. Teaming with her and antagonizing her brought more joy that holding the TIA title. Jessie was the Joker to Selena’s Batman. And to set all things right in the world, she devises her own plan.
Only before she can enact that plan, Penelope F*cking Plimmswood steals the spotlight and flies by her opponents. Plimmswood, who best 49 others in a match earlier this year has forgotten what fear is. She doesn’t even fear death, why would she fear a dozen Italian tweakers with blocking pads? Penelope rockets towards the first Waluigi, side steps him and spins towards the finish line. With all the reserve energy she has, she goes up and over two more Waluigi’s and is only yards away from the finish. That’s when she’s blown up out of nowhere by the final Waluigi, sending her flat on her back.
Jessie Lee seizes the opportunity “Follow me!”
“What are you doing?!” questions Frost and she follows
“I’m helping you win this thing, you twat. Don’t f*ck it up!” roars Lee.
Jessie runs directly towards Penelope Plimmswood, sending a couple Waluigi’s to the ground for their trouble. Selena Frost follows her lead blocker until Jessie grabs a hold of one of the blockers and pulls them back towards a recovering Plimmswood. The collision is a muddy mess of limps and sideboob, and “the frosty one” uses the diversion to cut a path towards victory. By the time the Waluigi’s catch on to her plan, she’s made her cut and launches forward. It’s too late!
SELENA FROST HAS CROSSED THE FINISH LINE!!! FROST WINS!!! FROST WINS!!! FROST WINS!!!
On the ground, Jessie Lee laughs maniacally. Determining the winner is often just as good as being the winner yourself. She rolls around in fatigued ecstasy and a pissed off Penelope Plimmswood crawls towards the finish line despite the Waluigi’s pinning her down. Lee has just as much trouble inching towards the finish line.
That’s when Daniela Raye-Weathers arrives at the mud pit. With flashes of football glory flashing in her mind, she charges directly at the Waluigi's, not attempting to slow down or avoid them in any way. She would have probably made it to the finish line too had her legs not gotten tangled in the legs of the Waluigi Boyz.
Finally the pressure releases from Penelope Plimmswood and she’s able to scramble to her feet. A Waluigi comes charging at her but she parries the blow and surges forward to cross the finish line for a second place finish!!!
Jessie Lee decides it’s time to get real and starts handing out punches to the weiner like swag at a low blow convention. By the time Jessie Lee crosses the finish line, four Waluigi’s are on the ground clutching their groins. Jessie Lee takes third place in Last Man Standing!!!
Zara Ivory arrives at the finish area. She sizes up the challenge and watches as the Waluigi’s stalk Daniela, who’s back on her feet now. Zara swings out wide, away from Daniela Raye- Weathers where the blockers have thinned out. She approaches the first blocker and picks up speed as she fakes left and cuts right. The Waluigi makes chase and throws a block with the pad as Zara leaps in the air. The contact bumps her a little higher in the air, but the high-flyer twists and lands on her feet. A second Waluigi’s plows towards her but she spins, takes a few steps and jukes a third blocker. Just one more before the finish line. She speeds up towards him, anticipates the contact and bounces up off of his pad like a pinball, knees tucked in tight. She lands just over the finish line, in the dirt, but completely mud free. Zara Ivory finishes in fourth place.
An enraged Daniela Raye-Weathers follows the cleared path made by Jessie Lee and crosses the finish line in fifth place.
The image at the finish line is that of camaraderie and satisfied completion as all five women huddle together in pride. This moment, one that should bind them by an unspoken connection, is one that they won’t soon forget. The challenges were many. The tests were difficult. But in the end, all they had to do was finish. Don’t quit. That’s the only rule they were given. And of the 70+ pro-wrestling personalities that willingly accepted an invitation to a one of a kind event, these 5 are the only ones that didn’t quit. They didn’t feel the pressure from outside forces. They didn’t lose interest. They didn’t flake out. They saw things through to the end. Like the champions they are. They served their teams well. They served themselves well. They grew in the process. And they learned a lot about what each of them are capable of.
GOODBYE
A holographic model of the Sauce Boss materializes at the finish line. Beside him are some of the familiar faces of the friends of TIA from over the years. Chris Page, John Cable, Buster Gloves, Emily Simms, Larry Tact, Theo Pryce, Guy Manson, Cherry Cola, Tupac. Saucey addresses the finishers.
"Challengers, warriors and champions, congratulations on a race well run. The path you've traversed was rugged, challenging, and demanding, but you've emerged not just as a survivor but as a conqueror.”
“In the realm of Last Man-, pardon me, Last WO-MAN Standing, resilience is the currency, and you, my friends, are the richest of them all. Your journey wasn't just a physical feat; it was a testament to your spirit, your determination, and your ability to overcome every obstacle thrown your way.”
“Each of you have proven that when the fire burns within, no challenge is insurmountable. So, with great admiration and respect, I present to you not just a victory but a key to a future filled with endless possibilities.”
“Inside a hidden pocket in your rucksack is a key with your name written on it. Take your key and unlock the doors to your destiny. May your journey continue to be extraordinary, and may you forever be remembered as the Last Woman Standing. Congratulations!"
The finishers open their rucksacks to discover a lightly stitched pocket on the inner lining of their rucksacks. They remove the keys one by one, each unique. A gold one. A silver one. Crystal, ruby and sapphire. The names of the challengers are painted on them in gold letters. Further in the distance, a set of five illuminated tunnels waits, each styled in the color of the corresponding key. Each of them dug into the side of a hill. In truth there are eight tunnels total, but not all eight challengers finished the race. It’s understandable though, because attrition is a real thing in the world of pro-wrestling. Each tunnel represents a unique path, a journey of triumph and tribulation. The challengers, fueled by the desire to claim victory, approach the tunnels and descend each one alone, discovering the many photos and trophies of their wrestling careers, and pictures of their families and loved ones who have sacrificed to make their success possible. Finally, each of them reach a finely carved wooden door with a metal key hole. The challenger inserts the key and turns it with a satisfying click. The door opens…
FIFTH PLACE - DANIELA RAYE-WEATHERS:
Daniela is beckoned into a dark room with a steel chair at its center, bathed in a spotlight. Suddenly, the room illuminates, revealing a golden envelope on a podium. Inside is a white card.
Daniela,
I wanted to take a moment to express my sincere gratitude for the time you spent with us during this final event of my career. Just when I had lost all hope in the goodness of people in this industry, your determination and spirit throughout the challenges has given me hope that authentic people still exist in the world. I didn’t quite believe it when the people around you told me just how genuine you are. I do now. You deserve so much more than you’ve been given. Keep on fighting for what you believe in.
My heart goes out to you for the losses you’ve endured in your circle of loved ones this year. I hope that your time with us was a welcome escape from the troubles of your daily life. Your energy has been a guiding light for me in this competition. I appreciate you.
On behalf of TIA and LMS please accept this check in the amount of $250,000 as a reward for your performance in this event.
Should you ever need me…
All the Best,
Saucey
FOURTH PLACE - ZARA IVORY
Zara is faced with a similar steel chair at the center of her room. The room illuminates, revealing a similar golden envelope on a podium. Inside is another white card.
Dearest Zara,
A heartfelt thank you for your incredible performance on Last Man/Woman Standing. Your strength and skill were truly commendable, making you an unforgettable challenger, and a star in this competition. Your triumph in the boat battle royale was nothing short of epic. And your run out in front of the pack at the finale was an inspiring effort.
I want to acknowledge your unwavering spirit, especially considering the recent challenges you’ve experienced in your own personal world. Your ability to overcome adversity while still remaining professional speaks volumes about your character. You’re the heart of soul of this event. If we were having a third season of this show, I would surely invite you back as one of the coaches.
On behalf of TIA and LMS please accept this check in the amount of $500,000 as a reward for your performance in this event.
Should you ever need me…
From my heart to yours,
Saucey
THIRD PLACE - JESSIE LEE
Jessie Lee plops down in the chair in her room, happy to finally be off her feet. The bright lights are an unwelcome surprise, but the golden envelope in front of her is too pretty not to open.
Hey Jessie,
You rocked the Last Man/Woman Standing hard AF all season long! Your fierce energy and aggressive attitude brought a whole new level of intensity to the competition. We were fortunate to have a badass like you driving this thing forward.
You may not have walked away as the winner, but you, above all others (even that dirty SOB J-Mont) will be the TIA Forever Champion, in my eyes. You always represented the brand with the attitude and showmanship that defines the brand. I thank you for that. Some champions are elevated BY the belt, but that belt was elevated BY you instead. Keep it shiny, it’s yours for as long as you want it.
Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women.
On behalf of TIA and LMS please accept this check in the amount of $750,000, and the keys to a brand new 2024 Kayfabe Airlines Axtgriff Inter-dimensional Sports Utility Vehicle as a reward for your performance in this event.
Should you ever need me…
Stay wild, stay bold,
Saucey
SECOND PLACE - PENELOPE PLIMMSWOOD
Penelope, still angry about having the win stolen from her, enters the room and refuses to sit in her steel chair. When the lights turn on, she turns her back to the podium and folds her arms. She waits about 10 seconds before circling around and reluctantly grabbing the golden envelope.
Deepest Darkest Penelope,
I wanted to take a moment to express my deepest gratitude for your incredible performance on Last Man/Woman Standing. Your other-wordly presence truly sets you apart, making every challenge a spectacle. Your unique spirit is a special flavor that any promoter should welcome to a competition.
Your dedication has not gone unnoticed. Coming off major appearances at Calamity Chamber and the Triad Trials, recruiting you for this competition was a major accompaniment and a point of pride for me. You stuck with this show when most others quit. I respect that so freaking much. Thank you for giving me a chance. It's contestants like you who make professional wrestling and competitions like this the thrilling experience that it is. We were lucky to have you as part of this adventure.
Competition is about more than trophies. It’s about stories. And yours still has the best parts yet to come. Of all the challengers on the show, I believe your story, you, have the most potential. Bigger things are waiting for you to come. When you close the book on your career, I hope this chapter is one you look back on with fond memories.
On behalf of TIA and LMS please accept this check in the amount of $1,000,000 and a Kayfabe Airlines Lifetime Membership granting you unlimited travel to any place in the world, at any time in history, as a reward for your participation in this event.
Should you ever need me…
Stay spooky,
Saucey
FIRST PLACE - SELENA FROST
Last Man/Woman Standing winner, Selena Frost enters the room with a heart overflowing with emotion. She excitedly takes a seat in her chair expecting to be greeted by the Sauce Boss, but is discouraged to find that a golden envelope has appeared in his place. “Almost as good.” She tells herself. She’s trusted the process so far, and it’s led her to this point. Why not trust Saucey a little while longer?
Selena,
Just wanted to drop you a note, not as Saucey or as the Sauce Boss this time, but as a friend. My name is Tim. It’s nice to meet you. I don’t get out much. I don’t have many friends. I’ve burned most of the bridges that I’ve built. I’m just a wrestling fan with the means to bring together people for an amazing competition. I’m a visionary that relies on more talented people to throw a good party. All I ever wanted to do is meet interesting people and write a story worth telling.
I want to say a massive thank you for sharing a piece of yourself with me, Last Man/Woman Standing and with the World Series of Wrestling. You made it a much better experience for me, and all of us.
This is the part where I drop in some corny puns about your icy demeanor and your cool confidence, but that none of that would seem genuine at this moment. So, let’s try something else instead. Throughout these two competitions, your congeniality and kindness have only been matched by your ability. After all you’ve done, I’m a fan, in the ring, and in life. I hope good things happen to you and for you, and I feel more complete having known you, even if it has just been for a short time.
I wish all five of you had won, but you most of all. Hopefully, the rewards represent just how much I appreciate what you have meant to this experience. You won’t soon be forgotten.
On behalf of TIA and LMS I am offering you my entire estate worth over $50 Million. This includes the LMS Compound located at St. Maarten Island in the Caribbean, my stake in the archives of THIS IS AWESOME PROMOTIONS and minority ownership of both Kayfabe Airlines and the Ring Rust Cafe brands. As I vanish from public view, everything I have left is yours. Enjoy it. You deserve it.
Should you ever need me…
You stay frosty and I’ll stay…
-Saucey
A PARTING MESSAGE
As quickly as he appeared, the Sauce Boss fades into the shadows, leaving the challenger alone with their thoughts, the spotlight extinguishing, and the room returning to darkness. Left behind is a simple blessing written in white letters on a black background.
Through six challenges in the Last Man Standing competition, only eight remain. The names of the fallen are many, but are less important than the ones that are still here. After taking leaps of faith and breaking through walls, they persisted. They selflessly suffered in the name of charity, they feasted for an American Holiday, and they battled in an over-the-top rail boatle royale. Zara Ivory was the winner on that day, but Penelope Plimmswood sits at the top of the overall rankings. With one final mega-event left to go, questions remain. What advantages will Zara and Penelope have? What will the event be? And what will be the prize in this final event, the last event ever hosted by THIS IS AWESOME PROMOTIONS. Find out… now.
P R E S E N T S
THE FINALE
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
STARRING:
Jacoby Spencer
Candice “Voodoo” Page
Zara Ivory
Eli Buchanan
Penelope Plimmswood
Selena Frost
Jessie Lee
Daniela Ray Weathers
AND SAUCEY
AS “THE HOST”
Deep in the secluded valleys of the Pocono Mountains, a stage is set for an exclusive race. Known only to a select group of elite challengers, today’s event lacks the crowds and presentation normally associated with world class athletes such as these. As the dawn's early light casts a golden glow over the dense frosted forest, the crisp mountain air of the abandoned ski resort is filled with a palpable sense of anticipation. Towering pine trees create a natural canopy, their needles gently rustling in the breeze, while the scent of earth and pine permeates the surroundings.
At the starting line an inflated black arch bounces with the words “LAST MAN STANDING” written in bold white letters. The muster area in front of the line is a cleared out circle amidst a sea of poled-banners. In fact, hundreds of banners flutter in the breeze, bearing the logos of the many intellectual properties of THIS IS AWESOME PROMOTIONS. The challengers navigate a field of flags, one for every logo, brand, shirt design, talk show, and podcast, created by the brand and produced for public consumption. Each flag has its own story. Each has its own sad ending. The eerie silence of dead ideas resembles a creative graveyard and a solemn starting point for today’s race. Some of the challengers ignore the flags all together, focused only on their future. Others take time to admire the work, some even finding their own accomplishments immortalized in artistic design.
At the base of the mountain, the fortified starting line comes to life with the energy of the impending race. The challengers—Candice Page, Daniela Raye-Weathers, Eli Buchanan, Jacoby Spencer, Jessie Lee, Penelope Plimmswood, Selena Frost, and Zara Ivory—prepare for what they know will be a physical challenge filled with unexpected twists. Anything less from the Sauce Boss would be uncivilized. Nervous energy buzzes between the challengers as they check their gear, tighten their shoelaces, and exchange nervous small talk.The adrenaline and anticipation amongst them boils to the surface as they wait for a sign.
All eyes go to the mountain as a motor is heard in the distance. The challengers gather together a little closer, anticipating the arrival of their enigmatic host. Notably, some of the challengers still, loyally, don their team colors. The Blue Team won the earlier parts of the show, but the Red Team still has contenders in the final. Last Man Standing, just like life itself, doesn’t award trophies at the beginning of the race. It rewards resilience… and perseverance. The journey is the reward.
The distant call of morning birds highlights the natural sounds of the valley. And all is calm, until the sound of a four-wheeler breaks the peace.
INTRODUCTION
The distinct growl of an approaching four-wheeler pierces the quietude, and emerging from the forest comes the man himself. The Sauce Boss.
Dressed in a unique blend of casual and formal, the Sauce Boss wears a sports coat over a plain black t-shirt emblazoned with the words "THIS IS AWESOME." A proud grin plays on his lips as he navigates the vehicle with practiced ease, pulling up to the assembled challengers. The roar of the engine subsides as Saucey dismounts and glances over the eager faces before him.
"Good morning, challengers!" he exclaims before raising his hand for attention. His eyes turn to the rucksacks stacked up on the back of his four wheeler. "Before we get started, I’d like to do a little story time. When each of you were invited to this competition, the show was completely different. We top names signed on to appear as team coaches. Major sponsors were pumping lots of money into production. We were going to do a massive Draft Day show and a weekly Twitch Stream to recap the results. We had even reserved a prison just outside of Tijuana, Mexico to host the event. All of that fell apart over an online disagreement. It goes to show you just how fragile things are in this world and just how easily your allies will turn their backs on you. When everyone else told me I was crazy and told me to cancel the event, I doubled down, gave them the finger, and did it anyway. That would not have been possible without you. The eight of you are the ones who had enough balls to ignore the chatter and believe your own eyes. You’ll never understand just how much that has meant to me. And you’ll always have my gratitude for that. Your dedication throughout this competition has kept me motivated to put together a challenge worthy of your efforts and that’s exactly what we’ve done here today. Although this will be the final show ever produced by THIS IS AWESOME PROMOTIONS, it’s still one of my favorites. Let’s hope that I put together a challenge worthy of your expectations. Let’s find out! Welcome to the finale of LAST MAN STANDING!!!”
“Now, let’s get on to the challenge. Behind me is… THE CRAG. Today, you’ll embark on a 5-mile journey up and down THE CRAG as a test of both strength, character, and endurance. But don’t worry friends, you won’t go alone. I brought you a gift.” The faces of the challengers foolishly perk up. Saucey begins picking up rucksacks on the back of his vehicle, each decorated with the logos designed by the challengers earlier in the competition. He first walks to Penelope Plimmswood and hands her hers.
“I didn’t want today’s event to be too easy for you, so, each of the bags you’re about to be presented include an amount of weight based on your current standing in the competition. Your goal is to run up this mountain, stopping at each station to pick up a flag, and then return back to this finish line with your bag, the flags you found along the way, and the weights that I so generously have gifted you. Penelope, your bag doesn’t contain any weights. Lucky you. Bet you’re glad you have that one point lead now aren’t you? Selena Frost, your bag contains 2% of your body weight . Don’t worry, I won’t share the actual number of pounds. Wouldn’t want to break girlcode. Up next, Eli Buchanan. Your bag contains 4% of your body weight. Candice Page and Jacoby Spencer, you’re tied at the moment. Both of your bags have 6% of your body weight. Jessie Lee, Zara Ivory, and Daniela? Each of you will be carrying 10% of your body weight.”
His gaze shifts to Zara Ivory, who stood at the forefront. “Miss Ivory, at event 6, you won, by being the winner of the over-the-top rail Boatle Royale. Normally I give out elaborate luxurious prizes to the event winners, but for you, I have something extra special. Something you’ll need today. You get a one-minute head start in front of everyone else. Make it count," Saucey declares with a nod.
The Sauce Boss gestures toward the trail, marked with bold red arrows. "Follow these arrows, and along the way, you'll face challenges that will test your mettle. Fail a challenge, and there’s a punishment. 30 burpees. Are we clear?" he asks as his eyes meet each challenger's gaze. The group nods in unison, their determination unyielding.
“Go to the top of THE CRAG and then come back down and see me. I’ll be watching from afar. Any questions?" Saucey inquires, but the challengers remain silent. He commences a countdown, “30, 29, 28… just kidding”,he says. Then he starts the real countdown, “10, 9, 8, I’m so proud of each of you. Thank you for being here. 7, 6, 5. As the countdown approaches crescendo and hits zero, a flare shoots into the sky, illuminating the field in a burst of color.
Zara Ivory fires into action, her strides purposeful and swift, backpack bouncing behind her as she seizes the minute advantage granted to her.
"Everyone else. May the best challenger win! 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Go!" The remaining challengers, prepared to sprint off the line, hit the ground and cover their ears as a massive pyrotechnic display bursts up from the ground, sending flocks of birds scattering, and echoes bouncing from mountain top to mountain top.
Saucey laughs at his little prank and then motions the challengers to get up and move their asses. After that, there’s only the rhythmic thud of running footsteps as the challengers and their weighted bags embark on a grueling 5-mile obstacle course.
STAGE 1
THE RUN
The race kicks off with a flat stretch, allowing the competitors to find their stride. As they approach a moderate hill, the pace slows. Zara Ivory is the first to hit the thirty degree incline and her pleasant jog in the mountains immediately turns into a real workout. Fifty yards up the hill a red arrow directs her to change direction onto a new horizontal trajectory through a trail in the woods. By the time she makes the change, the rest of the pack has only just approached the bottom of the hill. Sometimes the lead runner in a race sets a modest pace at the begining and allows the rest of the pack to catch up, but not Zara. She’s going flat out. Not sure what to expect and not willing to leave anything on the table.
At this point, all of the competitors are feeling the effects of the elevation change going from the LMS Compound in the Caribbean to running in the mountains of Pennsylvania. Their endurance is tested early on and by the time they reach the arrow at the top of the hill, some of the challengers begin to stand out as superior runners.
At the turn, the standings are Ivory, Lee, Spencer, Plimmswood, Buchanan, Page, Raye-Weathers, and sweet little Selena Frost.
The descent through a winding dirt trail takes the runners over fallen trees and through muddy stretches. It’s a casual respite for the obstacles that lie ahead. After a final S-turn, the trail spills back out into a field with a 30-foot tall apparatus only 50 yards away.
THE ROPE CLIMB
As Zara approaches the station, she encounters a knee-high pit of water with eight black nylon ropes suspended above. At the top of each rope is a red flag, the first of many required to finish the race. The rope, still dry and unmolested by other challengers, proves to be a simple challenge for Zara despite the extra weight in her bag. She clearly has experience using the S-Method of rope climbing and is able to make easy progress. She’s done this before. Almost effortlessly, she reaches the red flag suspended 30 feet above the water and quickly descends back to the water with a splash.
Just then, Jessie Lee and Jacoby Spencer come spilling out of the woods, side by side. They spot the oblivious Zara Ivory on the way into the water and watch her stuff her red flag into her rucksack before they too and hopping into the water. By the time Plimmswood and Buchanan are into the water, Lee and Spencer are halfway up their own ropes and Ivory is long gone.
Buchanan, Page, Raye-Weathers, and Frost exit the forest with just a few seconds between one and the next. Soon there are 7 challengers climbing ropes. Although Lee and Spencer are the first to reach their flags, both of them move slowly and have sloppy dismounts. They just don’t have the technique down as it seems. Eventually, Lee stuffs her flag between her breasts for a quick dismount and ends up losing her grip, dropping into the water from twenty feet up and clutches her knee. Spencer hits the water like a deuce and drops his flag in the process. Soaking wet, Lee gets back to her feet, gathers herself and climbs out of the pit. Spencer finds his flag and climbs out at about the same time. It’s Penelope Plimmswood that climbs the rope the fastest. She grabs her flag, and descends with grace, making up ground in the process. By the time they exit, the three of them are neck and neck with Jacoby Spencer taking a slight lead. Behind them, it’s a vertical race being led by Page and Selena Frost. While they elevate themselves to the top and calmly slide back down, it’s a different story for Daniela Raye-Weathers and Eli Buchanan. Daniela either doesn’t have the technique or doesn’t have the body for rope climbing. After a couple failed attempts, she has to stop and watch the other challengers to see how they are placing their feet. Rather than to fail and eat 30 burpees, she gets the hang of the technique and climbs the rope, but she exhausts more energy than she needs to in the process. She grabs her flag, drops off the rope from ten feet, and moves towards the next obstacle. Eli Buchanan just has all kinds of trouble. Lacking any technique on the rope, he tries to pull himself up using only upper body strength. He fails, gives up, and is relegated to doing 30 burpees in the dirt instead. A costly mistake.
Current placement is Zara Ivory, Penelope Plimmswood, Jacoby Spencer, Jessie Lee, Candice Page, Selena Frost, Daniela Raye-Weathers, & Eli Buchanan.
THE BUCKET WALL
Zara Ivory is way out in front on the way to the next obstacle. The span in between stations consists of another half mile littered with mild obstacles including over-under logs, a wall climb, and an army crawl under barbed wire. The real test awaits in the distance as Zara approaches a pile of gravel next to a five foot wood plank wall. A stack of handleless orange buckets waits nearby. Zara stops to read the instructions then picks up a bucket and starts loading in gravel with her bare hands. Penelope, Jacoby, and Jessie arrive and start doing the same before Zara finishes loading rocks to the fill line. Then she snaps on a lid, hoists up the heavy bucket and starts the long penguin walk around the course set up behind the wall. This obstacle is twofold: carry the weight over a challenging 100-yard stretch and then hoist it up and dump the contents over a wall. The uneven terrain and the burden of the gravel bucket make this segment particularly grueling. Additionally, the women face an additional challenge as they must carry the same weight as their male counterparts, showcasing equality in the face of adversity.
It’s immediately apparent that the weight of the bucket is a daunting load. Zara has to put the bucket down 30 yards into her loop, right after stepping over a fallen log. Of the three chasers, Penelope is actually the fastest to load her bucket with Jacoby Spencer finishing right after. Jessie Lee, still favoring her knee, starts a little slower. The difference maker here is that Penelope is the only one to flip her bucket upside down to avoid the bottom of the bucket cutting into her fingers. Jacoby and Jessie have to stop after the log, just like Zara had, but Penelope is able to continue moving without stopping, catching up with Zara.
Four on the course when the other four finally arrive at the gravel pile. Candice Page and Selena Frost start filling their buckets simultaneously, but Frost is really digging hard, filling her bucket first, using the same flip technique adopted by Penelope and is on the course ahead of Page. Candice follows several seconds behind her.
Zara Ivory continues on the bucket loop, up and over a platform with three steps on each side, and approaches the final wall just as Daniela Raye-Weathers starts to fill her bucket. At this point, Zara decides to elevate her bucket with raw strength, popping the cap off, putting the bucket on her shoulder and lifting it on wobbly knees. Daniela starts her loop just as the first few pebbles begin to spill from Ivory’s bucket over the wall.
Eli Buchanan is able to witness the entire process as he approaches the obstacle. By the time he’s on the course, Zara Ivory has finished, grabbed her flag and headed off to the next stage. The next three challengers struggle over the uneven ground of the bucket loop, emphasizing the mental and physical toughness required to conquer this portion of the course. At the end, it’s Penelope Plimmswood that reaches the wall first, although Jacoby Spencer is right on her heels. Behind them, Jessie Lee continues to struggle, ultimately being overtaken first by Selena Frost and then by Candice Page.
The wall lift reveals to be more difficult than Zara Ivory had made it look when she did it. More than one challenger struggles getting their bucket up in the 5-feet height. Using brute force, it’s Penelope that is the first to spill her bucket over the wall and she takes off, in 2nd place. Behind her, Jacoby Spencer finishes in 3rd with Selena Frost finding a way to finish 4th. Next to her, Candice Page drops her bucket, spilling its contents on the wrong side of the wall, and scrambles to pack its contents back in. The error gives Jessie Lee enough time to elevate herself to 5th place as she chucks her bucket and takes a flag. By the time Candice stuffs the gravel back in its container, Eli Buchanan has passed Daniela Raye-Weathers and finishes simultaneously with Candice in 6th. Daniela finishes last, but has her sights on catching up with the pair in front of her.
Current placement is Zara Ivory, Penelope Plimmswood, Jacoby Spencer, Selena Frost, Jessie Lee, Candice Page, Eli Buchanan, & Daniela Raye-Weathers.
STAGE 2
THE ASCENT
Zara Ivory, fueled by the adrenaline of conquering Stage 1, now faces the formidable ascent up a black diamond slope to the top of the Crag. After a quarter mile run she meets the next station where a sign issues instructions. She stops only momentarily to read it:
🏔️ The Undercard Ascent🏔️
Instructions:
Ascend to the Summit
Claim Your Flag
Follow the Red Arrow Beyond
A New Challenge Awaits at the Top!
Conquer the Ascent & Move Forward
Don’t forget to stop half-way up
For a pancake breakfast
Good Luck, Challengers! 🚩
Zara starts marching up the 45 degree incline. It starts steep, and it stays steep, all the way up. The ground uneven, the entire way. She hasn’t gotten far by the time Plimmswood, Spencer, and Frost arrive.
It’s an inspired start up the hill for the top 4. Those that dig in their heels, sprinting up the arduous climb, muscles burning from the sustained effort, and heavy weights in their hands. The incline challenges their cardiovascular endurance, separating those who excel in uphill terrain. The speed at which the competitors move is impressive, an indication of their level of endurance. Never skip leg day.
The final 4 challengers approach the hill in quick succession. First is Jessie Lee, side-by-side with Candice Page. They immediately start their climb, Lee still favoring her knee but fighting through the pain. Eli and Daniela start their ascent before anyone makes it to the station halfway up the mountain.
The mountain proves to be an equalizer as Zara Ivory finally starts to slow down due to the added weight in her rucksack. Selena Frost and Jacoby Spencer catch up to her while Penelope Plimmswood paces herself, conscious enough to reserve her energy. Frost is the first to make it to the halfway mark where the hill levels off and a hydration station waits for them with a set of flags.
Selena Frost is in the lead, followed by Zara Ivory, Jacoby Spencer, Penelope Plimmswood, Jessie Lee, Daniela Raye-Weathers, Eli Buchanan and Candice Page.
THE PANCAKE BREAKFAST
Sitting at the next station is a skirted table with a wide selection of drinks. Eight drinks in fact. A stack of black sandbags with familiar logos. And a sign next to the table that reads the following.
🏞️ Midcard Mania 🏞️
Instructions:
🥤 Hydrate - Choose and Consume
1 of the 8 Drinks
🥞 Pick Up Your Pancake (Sandbag)
Weighing 20% of your Body Weight
Continue the Ascent
Claim Your Next Flag at the Summit
Follow the Red Arrow Beyond
Stay Hydrated, Stay Strong 💪
Challengers, You've Got This! 🚩
Frost looks out over the table and observes the drinks all set in labeled water bottles.
- Glacier Water
- Eggnog
- Fresh-to-Death Energy Drink
- Peanut Butter & Jelly Soda
- Low-Sodium Tomato Juice
- Pickle Juice
- Imperial Stout
- Chicken Broth
Naturally, she swipes the Glacier Water, chugs the ice cold contents, but is afflicted by simultaneous brain and chest freezes. She does finish her drink quickly, too quickly, and then clutches her head in pain trying to regain her senses. The pain stops her for second before she shakes it off. She eventually locates her pancake and hefts it over towards the hill, making the long run to a cone at the other slide of the slope. Later she would realize a fatal mistake she made while battling her brain freeze.
Zara Ivory reaches the table next and just copies Selena Frost by grabbing the first bottle that doesn’t sound unpleasant. It’s the chicken broth. Warm and delicious. Yum. She savors it as it goes down, warming her belly and sitting heavy. Zara takes the time to regain her breath and composure. Leading the race for so long had taken a physical and mental toll on her that became noticeable during the hill climb. Watching Frost finish before her was a blow, but she’s granted a bit of respite when Frost forgets to take her flag from the station after finishing a drink. Zara sees it, but says nothing. Who says Blue Team vs. Red Team is dead? Am I right?
Jacoby Spencer is the next to the table and does a quick review of the remaining drinks. He settles from the energy drink as Penelope reluctantly grabs the eggnog. The New York Jackass enjoys an energetic beverage now and then, so this acquired taste is familiar to him, but the quantity is alarming. He considers whether or not the surgeon general says its safe to consume this much of this liquid. I mean, you have to be 18+ to buy this stuff in most states. He YOLO’s it and figures that if he’s going to die, why not go out like this? So yeh, Jacoby’s heart might explode, but at least he won’t taste it twice, like Penelope and that eggnog.
At first, the non-alcoholic christmas beverage is a delightful treat for the Calamity Chamber winner. Spiced custard and raw egg. A Christmas delicacy! She loves it. Which suggests that at some point, this spooky girl actually celebrated holidays that didn’t involve trick-or-treating. Penelope chugs the milky drink in a terminator-esque sorority girl kind of way, but then makes a mistake.You see, she’s never done particularly well with heights, so when she looks back down the hill and out over the valley, the combination of exhaustion, dairy products, and acrophobia locks her in place. She gets a nasty rumbly in her tumbly that prevents the bottom third of the bottle from going in her belly.
Jessie Lee reaches the table and spots her nemesis, Selena Frost, in the distance just realizes she’s forgotten her flag and turning back to get it. Jessie gives her the old one-finger salute on the way to grabbing the Imperial Stout bottle and chugging it like a football hooligan. The big-boobied goth dommy-mommy is all woman, but she’s drinking it like a man who just lost his dog, truck, and wife in the same weekend. Safe to say that she’s chugged a Guinness or three in her life, just never out of a squirt bottle.
Zara Ivory is off the table and back in the lead, but Jacoby isn’t far behind as he finishes his energy drink and snatches up the pancake shortly after. “Blue Team till we die!” shouts Jacoby to Zara. She politely nods and everyone else collectively cringes.
Just then, the remaining three competitors reach the midway point one after another. To the surprise of most, Daniela Raye-Weathers is the first of the three, working off of a second wind she found at the bottom of the hill. Witnessing the other drinkers struggling through their beverages, she takes time to consider which of the final three drinks to take. PB&J Soda, Tomato Juice, or Pickle Juice. Pickle Juice it is. In her time as a semi-pro football player, she had heard players swear by drinking pickle juice to help with hydration. They say it boosts electrolytes, but she had never tried it until today. It’s not so bad. 6 out of 10.
Eli Buchanan is the next one in and snatches up the PB&J Soda, sucking it down, barely even tasting the contents, and only stopping to belch an unholy flavor that is neither peanut butter nor jelly. 3 out of 10.
Jacoby Spencer and Jessie Lee have already taken their flags and bags towards the next incline but Eli is able to catch them after carrying his sandbag on top of his head and jogging at an uptempo pace. We’re seeing a lot of different strategies here. In a pure endurance test, the results would be different, but the obstacles and strategies going into those unique challenges are really having an effect on the standings. There’s no telling what’s coming up next. It’s still anybody’s race.
Candice Page, who seemingly died somewhere on the way on the hill, is the final challenger at the breakfast table. She starts drinking the flavorless bloody mary. It’s not the worst thing she’s ever tasted, but it’s no treat. It’s actually unpleasant. She struggles to choke down the viscous drink as Daniel Raye-Weathers moves on. Penelope Plimmswood finally advances and Selena Frost grabs her forgotten flag and is back on the prowl. Candice starts to question her chances. With plenty left to choken down, Candice stops drinking. She calmly walks back to the edge of the hill and has a seat in the dead grass. She takes in the mountain view, reflecting on her family, her business, her career, her marriage. And for a moment, it all just freezes in place. And in this instant, she decides that her challenge has ended, right here, alone, on top of a random hill, in some random part of the world. It’s been so long since she just slowed down and embraced the natural world without clouds of smoke and smelly strippers getting in the way. She unscrews the lid from her bottle and dumps the rest of the red vegetable juice onto the ground, effectively ending her challenge. For what it’s worth, Candice probably deserves more respect than anyone in this competition. She does so much for so many other people and is so selfless about it. Going out on his own terms is the only way she knows how to go. Even though weed is stinky and strippers are gross, Candice deserves recognition for everything she’s accomplished (and I’m a massive fan). VooDoo is a legend.
Candice Page is eliminated and finishes Last Man Standing in 8th place.
Coming out of this station the placement is Zara Ivory, Jacoby Spencer, Jessie Lee, Eli Buchanan, Daniela Raye-Weathers, Selena Frost, Penelope Plimmswood, and Candice Page.
REACHING THE SUMMIT
The competitors, now fully hydrated, and afforded time to catch their breath, meet the next challenge. It’s the same hill they just climbed, plus 20% of their body weight in an awkward disc-shaped sandbag. The weight amplifies the physical toll on their bodies. As each of them take a few steps at a time before stopping to rest, re-adjust, and reconsider their life choices. It’s a crawl. A measure of mental and physical toughness. A race against oneself. “Embrace the suck” is what the marines say.
Many challengers find themselves needing to pause, not just to regain their breath but also to appreciate the breathtaking panorama unfolding around them. All save for one. Eli Buchanan. While Zara, Jacoby, and Jessie cling to the side of the mountain, equally admiring and loathing the stunning view, Eli forges on like a machine. He climbs the mountain while the rest are beaten by the hill. For most, it’s a struggle. A balance of physical prowess and mental toughness. So strategies are formed to keep one motivated. Pick a mark. If they move, you move. Stay with them the whole way and don’t lose any ground. Everyone takes time to stop, die a little bit on the side of the hill, and get moving again. But Eli isn’t stopping. He keeps eyes locked forward and passes Jessie Lee. Then Jacoby Spencer. Then Zara Ivory. Until he eventually reaches the summit and tosses his bag down in front of a red arrow and a sign. Eli takes the lead.
It only took about 12 minutes for Eli to make that impressive climb, while the rest of the field all took about 20 minutes to do theirs. It was uncanny. Like he was able to summon some sort of power that allowed him to do something many would consider to be impossible. Maybe it was magic. Maybe it wasn’t. I’ll never tell.
During the climb, Jessie Lee keeps pace with Zara Ivory, passing Jacoby Spencer, but there are very few other changes in the order as each challenger reaches the summit, drops their bags, and stuffs a new flag into their rucksack. Regardless of what they will admit, they are all physically taxed, and mentally drained. Let’s test their wits!
🏞️ The Main Event 🏞️
Congratulations!
You've made it to the top
You can drop your pancake
And follow the red arrow to the next station.
The end of your challenge is near
You’ve never been closer to success than you are right now
Don’t give up
Challengers, You've Got This! 🚩
Current placement: Eli Buchanan, Zara Ivory, Jessie Lee, Jacoby Spencer, Daniela Raye Weathers, Selena Frost, Penelope Plimmswood, x-Candice Page.
STAGE 3
TRIVIA, BITCHES
At the summit of THE CRAG, the challengers are met with a sign pointing them to an apparatus about a hundred yards off to their left. In front of it is a sign. unique trial - a Trivia Challenge that combines physical exertion with mental acuity.
"Test Your Knowledge, Earn Your Descent!
Grab the Rope, Answer Right, and Elevate to Victory!
Answer Wrong? 5 More Burpees Await.
5 Correct Answers Unlock Your Path.
Follow the Red Arrow for the Next Challenge!
Starting with Eli Buchanan, each challenger faces a heavy sandbag attached to a rope, coiled over a pulley wheel. The objective is clear: elevate the sandbag by pulling on the rope. However, there's a catch – the sandbag must remain suspended in the air while they answer trivia questions.
Eli grabs his rope and plants his feet on a block before leaning back and pulling the heavy bag up in the air above the question line. As the sandbag hangs precariously, a question is posed to the challenger.
“What’s the capital of California?”
Eli, the purveyor of Hotel California, laughs at the ease of the question. “Sacramento!” He says as a bell dings and a red number 1 lights up on one of two scoreboards behind his rope. The second question fires out, only 4 more remain to be guessed right.
“In what year did the Berlin Wall come down?”
Eli, visually irritated by the question, and the fact that he doesn’t know the answer, pauses before answering in the form of a question. “1985?”
BZZZRRRTTT. Wrong Answer. “1989.” A red number 5 lights up on the second side of the rope.
“F*ck.” Exclaims Buchanan as he lets the sandbag drop before resetting for the next pull and question.
Zara Ivory and Jessie Lee arrive to take a station and pull their ropes. Trivia questions start firing off at all three competitors.”
“Who painted the Mona Lisa?”
(Leonardo da Vinci)
“Which band sang Bohemian Rhapsody?”
(Queen)
“What is the chemical symbol for gold?”
(Au)
By the time Jacoby Spencer makes his way to the trivia station, Eli Buchanan still only has 1 answer correct and owes 20 burpees. Zara Ivory has 0 correct and 10 burpees. Jessie Lee has 1 correct and 5 burpees.
Jacoby elevates his bag and starts with the questions.
“What’s the largest animal on the Earth?”
(Blue Whale)
“What novel features a character named Holden Caulfield?”
(Catcher in the Rye)
“Who played the Spiderman in the original 2002 live-action movie?”
(Toby McGuire)
The combination of physical fatigue and mental pressure makes each question a high-stakes endeavor. The challengers must draw on their reservoirs of knowledge while resisting the urge to let the sandbag drop.
Daniela Raye Weathers arrives with Penelope Plimmswood and they head to their stations. Selena Frost isn’t far behind. Even though she’s currently in last place, this challenge has a catch-up mechanic for the information-savvy. We enter a 7-person trivia race to see who knows the most useless information.
From left to right, the scores are: Eli Buchanan 1-35, Zara Ivory 1-20, Jessie Lee 2-15, Jacoby Spencer 0-15, Daniela Raye-Weathers 1-0, Penelope Plimmswood 1-0, and Selena Frost 0-0
These questions are firing out now one after another in a jumble of words. Some challengers adopt a strategic approach, balancing the pace of their trivia responses with the endurance required to keep the sandbag aloft. Others, like Eli Buchanan and Jacoby Spencer are starting to show their frustration as they come up empty time after time. How long can they last, lifting up this heavy bag and answering wrong? Will they even be able to do the burpees once they ARE finished? Let’s find out.
“How many moons does Mars have?”
(two)
“To three decimal points, how much is the number pi?”
(3.141)
“What luxury brand is known for it’s red-soled shoes?”
(Christian Louboutin)
The scores keep piling up with two notable trivia players yet to answer incorrectly: Eli Buchanan 1-50, Zara Ivory 1-35, Jessie Lee 3-25, Jacoby Spencer 0-30, Daniela Raye-Weathers 3-5, Penelope Plimmswood 4-0, and Selena Frost 3-0.
After 10 consecutive wrong answers, Eli Buchanan is steaming mad. He steps away from his rope and just watches the other challengers guess correctly, one after another. Can he even hold the rope for 4 more questions? He’s going to try.
Just a few slots to his right, Jacoby Spencer answers his 7th consecutive wrong answer without getting any right yet. Maybe he’s playing on difficult mode? Maybe he’s just unlucky? He’s heard questions for other challengers that he’s sure he knew the answer to. It’s just not fair. There must be some kind of conspiracy to give easy questions to the girls right?
Zara Ivory doesn’t think so. She’s still riding the struggle bus.
“What is the most widely grown type of avocado in the world?”
(Hass)
“Who holds the record for the most touchdown passes in an NFL season?”
(Peyton Manning)
“Who invented the light bulb?”
(Thomas Edison)
Then, there is a triple bell, as it appears one challenger has hit all 5 questions right, and Penelope Plimmswood is instantly hitting the dirt to finish off her 10 punishment burpees.
Eli Buchanan 1-60, Zara Ivory 1-45, Jessie Lee 4-35, Jacoby Spencer 0-45, Daniela Raye-Weathers 4-15, Penelope Plimmswood 5-10, and Selena Frost 4-10.
About 5 burpees into Penelope’s punishment, there is another triple bell and Selena Frost is up to start her 10 burpees.
A third triple bell and Daniela Raye-Weathers is working on 20 burpees.
And finally, Jessie Lee gets her 5th question right as she begins her 45 burpees.
The questions keep coming for the rest of the challengers as Eli, Zara, and Jacoby finally get another question correct.
“What is the chemical symbol for water?”
(H2O)
“What is 15 times 4 minus 5?”
(55)
“In Greek Mythology, who is Zeus married to?”
(Hera)
Eli Buchanan 2-70, Zara Ivory 2-55, Jessie Lee 5-45, Jacoby Spencer 1-55, Daniela Raye-Weathers 5-20, Penelope Plimmswood 5-10, and Selena Frost 5-10.
Penelope Plimmswood is back on her feet and jogs away in the direction of a red arrow, Selena Frost right at her feet. Thirty seconds later, Daniela Raye-Weathers is on her way to the final stage too. Jessie Lee is hitting the dirt hard, in pain, way too far behind to be comfortable, and generally just pissed off about not being in the lead.
The rest of the field just continues with trivia and the questions start to get easier.
“Who played the leading role in Forrest Gump?”
(Tom Hanks)
“In what city do the Bulls play basketball?”
(Chicago)
“How many quarters makes up 6 dollars?”
(24)
Jessie Lee, finishes her punishment and heads off towards the woods, glancing at the remaining challengers. They all have so many burpees to do and still are a couple answers away from finishing. It’s doubtful that they will even be able to catch up. It’s time for Jessie to lock her eyes forward and make a surge to the finish line.
Eli Buchanan 3-80, Zara Ivory 3-65, Jessie Lee 5-45, Jacoby Spencer 3-60, Daniela Raye-Weathers 5-20, Penelope Plimmswood 5-10, and Selena Frost 5-10.
And just like that, Zara Ivory gets two questions right in a row. What a relief that must be for her. She just lays down in the dirt for a second and regains her breath before starting the 65 burpees she’s been assigned. It’ll be a grind to get those done. Hopefully the final stage allows some room for her to catch up.
For the final two, who happen to be the only two male competitors left in the challenge, they watch their chances of winning the show slip away. Jacoby Spencer quits before he ever gets to five correct answers, citing a hand injury where all the skin has been ripped off his fingers.
Jacoby is often a misunderstood character in this business. His eccentric looks and loud mouth lead many to believe that he’s an arrogant jackass, but the truth about his character, and what he has shown throughout the course of LMS is that Jacoby, deep down, is desperately seeking acceptance from his peers. The makeup, the hair, the shocking look is just a wall he puts up to protect himself from those that would reject him. Anybody willing to look beyond the exterior surely would be kind enough to accept any flaws of his true self. Most of all in this competition, Jacoby just wanted to make friends. He was an excellent teammate. And is a good soul. Don’t believe the hype. Jacoby is a solid guy and his participation on LMS meant a lot to those who were involved. In the end, he gave 100% iuntil his body couldn’t give anymore. Defeated by trivia. What a way to go. Be well, Buddy.
Jacoby Spencer is eliminated and finishes Last Man Standing in 7th place.
By the time Eli Buchanan gets his fifth question right he’s racked up 105 burpees. Any normal person would just give up, but Eli Buchanan is no normal person. He may not be human at all anymore. So he gets started dropping his chest to the ground, bringing his feet to his hands and hopping in the air with his hands raised. 20 burpees down. 40. 50. 55. He’s slowed now to a broken pace, peeling himself off the ground. It’s been a full 10 minutes after the rest of the competitors have already left the station. The game is over for Eli, he just refuses to admit it. Until he doesn’t. He taps out. No more burpees. No more Eli. Beaten by trivia. Big oof.
What’s known about Eli is that he’s always sold himself as a violent and enigmatic character. He’s strong, physically gifted, and charismatic as hell, and has a sadistic side that makes him a threat at all times. If LMS had a mastermind, it was Eli Buchanan. You always get the feeling that you’re never getting his full potential when you interact with him. Like he’s saving a special trick up his sleeve for when times get really desperate. It’s like he knows something that you don’t. Does that make him dangerous? Sure. But better than that, it makes him interesting. Some people are just easy to read. They’re predictable. But not Eli. You get the feeling that he’s capable of anything he wants to do and that the only reason he doesn’t win all the time is because he’s chosen not to. If you honestly believe that Eli couldn’t answer some simple trivia questions, then you’re just kidding yourself. A safer bet is that Eli stepped down from the competition to give a brighter spotlight to his protege and long-time associate Penelope Plimmswood. You haven’t heard the last of Eli Buchanan. Before you know it, he’ll be back, and when he is, things will happen however he wants them to.
Eli Buchanan is eliminated and finishes Last Man Standing in 6th place.
Placement after 3 stages is Penelope Plimmswood, Selena Frost, Daniela Raye-Weathers, Jessie Lee, Zara Ivory, x-Eli Buchanan, x-Jacoby Spencer, and x-Candice Page.
STAGE 4
HOMECOMING
As the challengers descend from the summit, they enter the exhilarating final section of the race, navigating a treacherous mountain trail, as it winds downwards through trees and rocky patches, adorned with obstacles seeking to test their agility, resilience and precision.
Penelope weaves between trees, utilizing her speed to negotiate the uneven terrain. The cramps in her legs are screaming at her to stop, but she refuses, not while she’s so close to the finish. To quit now just wouldn’t be right. She beat 49 other people to win Splat’s Calamity Chamber. She certainly can beat these misfits. Especially with a lead. There are times when she thinks about resting, but the footsteps of one Selena Frost can be heard not far behind.
For Selena, the end of this race is turning out how it started, just points behind Penelope. Fortunately for her, running is one of her strengths, and Plimmswood is in her sights. Rather than to try and overtake her this high up on the mountain, Frost keeps a moderate pace.
Higher up the mountain Daniela Raye-Weathers is happy to have the hardest part of the competition behind her. There were times when she doubted herself, but every time she questions her own ability, she thinks of the faces of her family. Her husband. Her father. And what they would say about her now. How proud they would be of her. And how proud she is that she took a chance and believed in herself. It’s all been worth it.
Jessie Lee hates running. She hates standing. She hates pretty much everything. But what she hates most is losing, and despite the understanding and ceasefire she’s agreed to with Selena Frost, she would abso-f*cking-lutely hate losing to her on this day. So she’s pumping her fists and running recklessly through the woods. Everything’s gonna hurt tomorrow, but not as good as victory will feel today.
And finally, there’s Zara Ivory. Despite the highs and the lows of the past few months, she’s still here, hopping down the bunny trail to the finish line. Often underestimated, and always underappreciated, she’s been the heart and soul of this competition. The woman has no quit in her. And when life gives her lemons, she kicks it in the balls, and gives it a Corkscrew Stunner. She’s running her ass off. Will it be enough?
THE CARGO NET
A cargo net looms out front. At the site of it, Selena Frost shifts gears and speeds up, meeting the net at the same time as Penelope Plimmswood. They both scramble up the net. For Selena it’s an effortless climb. For Penelope, she cramps up on the descent and drops down causing Frost to land awkwardly as well. Damn cargo nets. It’s sloppy, but Selena Frost overtakes Penelope Plimmswood.
The pile-up grants Daniela the opportunity she needs to catch up. In the distance, she can actually see the figures of Frost and Plimmswood pulling themselves up to the ground and jogging away. She speeds up and clings to the cargo net. Left foot, do it. Right foot, do it. Left foot, do it. Right foot, do it. Daniela is making things happen. So is Jessie Lee.
Whatever knee pain Jessie experienced after falling off of the rope climb earlier, she’s forgotten about it. With Daniela making her way over the net, Jessie begins her ascent.
It’s only after all four women have cleared the obstacle and sprinted away that Zara Ivory encounters it. As she grabs a vertical band and alternates her steps up the net, she comes to peace with the fact that she’s probably not going to win and probably won’t be able to catch up with the other women today. The rest of this run is for her, and she’s going to enjoy it, despite the pain she’s feeling all over her body.
THE WALLS
After a few hundred more yards, Selena Frost is the first to reach the next obstacle. It’s a series of three walls with one-inch ledges every two feet and a rope hanging down. The first wall appears to be about four feet tall and Frost boosts herself up and over with ease. The next is about seven feet tall. After a second of thought, Selena jumps up, grabs the ledge, muscles up the wall and descends down the other side. The third wall is all of ten feet tall and the climb is daunting. Frost uses the rope and steps up the ledges, managing to climb the wall with a fair amount of effort. Once on the other side, she grabs another flag (yes we’re still doing flags) and she is the first out of the obstacle.
When Penelope meets the walls standing in her path, she just copies the technique of Selena and follows right behind the race leader. Agile maneuvers conquer the barriers and Plimmswood presses on.
Daniela Raye-Weathers can’t see the pair in front of her when she’s at the walls. So she does the best she can, emulating purely by coincidence, the same technique to climb the walls. She has a little trouble ascending the final wall, but it’s nothing that a little boost from Jessie Lee can’t fix. “Get your big red ass over that wall Dani.” says red-teammate Jessie Lee, in what could be confused as a smidge of team spirit. Daniela returns the favor by dropping a helping hand and pulling Lee over the wall with her.
For Zara Ivory, the walls just represent another set of hurdles to tackle alone in the woods. But she presses on, up and over, up and over, up and over. Flag, bag, dash.
THE SPEAR
The woods finally end as the decline of the hill flattens off and the path turns right. Off to the left, the finish line can be seen, with the hundred flags flapping in the wind, and a cluster of small structures around an inflatable arch. Off to the right of the trail is the final obstacle (you can tell it’s the final obstacle because there’s a giant sign that says FINAL OBSTACLE), Selena Frost turns on the jets and arrives at the sign in front of an archery target.
Final Obstacle!
Hit the Target or Face the Burpees!
Aim true, challengers! Your goal is to spear the target.
If your spear sticks, you're one step closer to victory.
Miss the mark? No worries, but it's time for 30 burpees!
Accuracy is key. Channel your inner champion and conquer this challenge.
May the spears fly true, and success be yours! 💪🎯
Catch you at the finish line.
#LastManStanding
If your spear sticks, you're one step closer to victory.
Miss the mark? No worries, but it's time for 30 burpees!
Accuracy is key. Channel your inner champion and conquer this challenge.
May the spears fly true, and success be yours! 💪🎯
Catch you at the finish line.
#LastManStanding
Positioned at a distance, a target awaits. Both Selena Frost and Penelope Plimmswood take aim. Plimmswood throws impulsively, without preparation and with total urgency. But the spear tilts backwards and falls short of the mark. 30 burpees for her. Selena Frost aims carefully, exhales, and throws true. The spear hits the target… BUT IT DOESN’T STICK!!! That’s 30 burpees for her as well. It’s a calisthenics race for the lead.
Both women are completely gassed. , and each challenger is armed with a spear. The objective is clear – stick the spear in the target. Success grants passage to the final test, while failure results in a daunting penalty of 30 burpees. They drop down, going rep for rep. At 15 reps in, here comes Daniela Raye-Weathers up to the spear line.
If she can get the spear to stick, she’s going to win this thing. She grips the polearm, points with her left arm, steps forward and thrusts. The spear launches at the perfect height and descends, but no! It sails right. Welcome to burpee mountain Dani.
Jessie Lee is next. She sees the girls dropping down in the dirt and knows this is her chance to take the lead. One throw for it all. She limbers up before grabbing the spear. Aims true. Step, step, … fire… … it sticks!!! “FULLY F*CKING SICK!!!” Jessie Lee leaps in the air to celebrate and comes down awkwardly on the same knee she hurt earlier, but she grabs her flag, shrugs it off and goes jogging off just in time to wave at the approaching Zara Ivory.
Now Zara thought she had no chance of catching the other women. But here she is. A bullseye puts her back in the mix, but she has to hurry. No time to dilly dally. Behind her, Selena Frost is finishing up her final reps of punishment burpees. So Zara takes hold of the weapon, launches it and watches it stick!!!... about a foot in front of the target. She shot her shot and you can’t deny her that. With all odds suggesting she’s finishing fifth out of these ladies, she deserves a lot of credit for running the race she has.
THE FINISH LINE
Jessie Lee, in the lead, nears to within a couple hundred yards of the finish line when she finally realizes that the way isn’t completely clear. The finish line is guarded by a squad of gladiators wrestlers with crooked mustaches, yellow shirts, and purple overalls. Are those Waluigi’s? Somebody some day will have to explain why the Sauce Boss picked a gang of D-tier video game characters to defend the finish line of his magnum opus? Or maybe they won’t and it’ll just be a little joke that tickles Saucey every time he thinks about it. In the words of Hilldog Clinton, “What difference at this point does it make?” The Waluigi army wields formidable blocking pads. Behind them is a digital finish line sure to geotrack the progress of the geotags in the rucksacks.
Jessie looks for her mark, the skinniest Waluigi. She sprints at him but is flanked by a bigger, stronger Waluigi that puts her in the chilly mud.
This serves as the perfect distraction for Selena Frost to run behind the melee and sneak to the finish line, but the well rested and well equipped Waluigi’s track her and launch her in the air, off to the side.
The finish line remains unbroken.
Both women suck wind and struggle back to their feet. The Waluigi’s give them time to regain their footing. Rather than to make another run for it on her own, Selena Frost approaches Jessie Lee. Lee waits for her. Frost devises a plan. “Let’s do this together. One of us should win. We need to make sure one of the Team Red girls takes this thing home.”
Jessie Lee looks hard at Selena Frost. The rivalry between them stretches all the way back to the Denzel Porter Invitational where Jessie Lee had won that match and had taken home the THIS IS AWESOME Women’s Championship, but Selena Frost had never stopped challenging her for that title. On three different occasions, that rematch was supposed to happen, and that match was canceled. Frost would never get her rematch, so winning LMS means a little extra. To be honest, Jessie had grown fond of Selena in recent months. Teaming with her and antagonizing her brought more joy that holding the TIA title. Jessie was the Joker to Selena’s Batman. And to set all things right in the world, she devises her own plan.
Only before she can enact that plan, Penelope F*cking Plimmswood steals the spotlight and flies by her opponents. Plimmswood, who best 49 others in a match earlier this year has forgotten what fear is. She doesn’t even fear death, why would she fear a dozen Italian tweakers with blocking pads? Penelope rockets towards the first Waluigi, side steps him and spins towards the finish line. With all the reserve energy she has, she goes up and over two more Waluigi’s and is only yards away from the finish. That’s when she’s blown up out of nowhere by the final Waluigi, sending her flat on her back.
Jessie Lee seizes the opportunity “Follow me!”
“What are you doing?!” questions Frost and she follows
“I’m helping you win this thing, you twat. Don’t f*ck it up!” roars Lee.
Jessie runs directly towards Penelope Plimmswood, sending a couple Waluigi’s to the ground for their trouble. Selena Frost follows her lead blocker until Jessie grabs a hold of one of the blockers and pulls them back towards a recovering Plimmswood. The collision is a muddy mess of limps and sideboob, and “the frosty one” uses the diversion to cut a path towards victory. By the time the Waluigi’s catch on to her plan, she’s made her cut and launches forward. It’s too late!
SELENA FROST HAS CROSSED THE FINISH LINE!!! FROST WINS!!! FROST WINS!!! FROST WINS!!!
On the ground, Jessie Lee laughs maniacally. Determining the winner is often just as good as being the winner yourself. She rolls around in fatigued ecstasy and a pissed off Penelope Plimmswood crawls towards the finish line despite the Waluigi’s pinning her down. Lee has just as much trouble inching towards the finish line.
That’s when Daniela Raye-Weathers arrives at the mud pit. With flashes of football glory flashing in her mind, she charges directly at the Waluigi's, not attempting to slow down or avoid them in any way. She would have probably made it to the finish line too had her legs not gotten tangled in the legs of the Waluigi Boyz.
Finally the pressure releases from Penelope Plimmswood and she’s able to scramble to her feet. A Waluigi comes charging at her but she parries the blow and surges forward to cross the finish line for a second place finish!!!
Jessie Lee decides it’s time to get real and starts handing out punches to the weiner like swag at a low blow convention. By the time Jessie Lee crosses the finish line, four Waluigi’s are on the ground clutching their groins. Jessie Lee takes third place in Last Man Standing!!!
Zara Ivory arrives at the finish area. She sizes up the challenge and watches as the Waluigi’s stalk Daniela, who’s back on her feet now. Zara swings out wide, away from Daniela Raye- Weathers where the blockers have thinned out. She approaches the first blocker and picks up speed as she fakes left and cuts right. The Waluigi makes chase and throws a block with the pad as Zara leaps in the air. The contact bumps her a little higher in the air, but the high-flyer twists and lands on her feet. A second Waluigi’s plows towards her but she spins, takes a few steps and jukes a third blocker. Just one more before the finish line. She speeds up towards him, anticipates the contact and bounces up off of his pad like a pinball, knees tucked in tight. She lands just over the finish line, in the dirt, but completely mud free. Zara Ivory finishes in fourth place.
An enraged Daniela Raye-Weathers follows the cleared path made by Jessie Lee and crosses the finish line in fifth place.
The image at the finish line is that of camaraderie and satisfied completion as all five women huddle together in pride. This moment, one that should bind them by an unspoken connection, is one that they won’t soon forget. The challenges were many. The tests were difficult. But in the end, all they had to do was finish. Don’t quit. That’s the only rule they were given. And of the 70+ pro-wrestling personalities that willingly accepted an invitation to a one of a kind event, these 5 are the only ones that didn’t quit. They didn’t feel the pressure from outside forces. They didn’t lose interest. They didn’t flake out. They saw things through to the end. Like the champions they are. They served their teams well. They served themselves well. They grew in the process. And they learned a lot about what each of them are capable of.
GOODBYE
A holographic model of the Sauce Boss materializes at the finish line. Beside him are some of the familiar faces of the friends of TIA from over the years. Chris Page, John Cable, Buster Gloves, Emily Simms, Larry Tact, Theo Pryce, Guy Manson, Cherry Cola, Tupac. Saucey addresses the finishers.
"Challengers, warriors and champions, congratulations on a race well run. The path you've traversed was rugged, challenging, and demanding, but you've emerged not just as a survivor but as a conqueror.”
“In the realm of Last Man-, pardon me, Last WO-MAN Standing, resilience is the currency, and you, my friends, are the richest of them all. Your journey wasn't just a physical feat; it was a testament to your spirit, your determination, and your ability to overcome every obstacle thrown your way.”
“Each of you have proven that when the fire burns within, no challenge is insurmountable. So, with great admiration and respect, I present to you not just a victory but a key to a future filled with endless possibilities.”
“Inside a hidden pocket in your rucksack is a key with your name written on it. Take your key and unlock the doors to your destiny. May your journey continue to be extraordinary, and may you forever be remembered as the Last Woman Standing. Congratulations!"
The finishers open their rucksacks to discover a lightly stitched pocket on the inner lining of their rucksacks. They remove the keys one by one, each unique. A gold one. A silver one. Crystal, ruby and sapphire. The names of the challengers are painted on them in gold letters. Further in the distance, a set of five illuminated tunnels waits, each styled in the color of the corresponding key. Each of them dug into the side of a hill. In truth there are eight tunnels total, but not all eight challengers finished the race. It’s understandable though, because attrition is a real thing in the world of pro-wrestling. Each tunnel represents a unique path, a journey of triumph and tribulation. The challengers, fueled by the desire to claim victory, approach the tunnels and descend each one alone, discovering the many photos and trophies of their wrestling careers, and pictures of their families and loved ones who have sacrificed to make their success possible. Finally, each of them reach a finely carved wooden door with a metal key hole. The challenger inserts the key and turns it with a satisfying click. The door opens…
FIFTH PLACE - DANIELA RAYE-WEATHERS:
Daniela is beckoned into a dark room with a steel chair at its center, bathed in a spotlight. Suddenly, the room illuminates, revealing a golden envelope on a podium. Inside is a white card.
Daniela,
I wanted to take a moment to express my sincere gratitude for the time you spent with us during this final event of my career. Just when I had lost all hope in the goodness of people in this industry, your determination and spirit throughout the challenges has given me hope that authentic people still exist in the world. I didn’t quite believe it when the people around you told me just how genuine you are. I do now. You deserve so much more than you’ve been given. Keep on fighting for what you believe in.
My heart goes out to you for the losses you’ve endured in your circle of loved ones this year. I hope that your time with us was a welcome escape from the troubles of your daily life. Your energy has been a guiding light for me in this competition. I appreciate you.
On behalf of TIA and LMS please accept this check in the amount of $250,000 as a reward for your performance in this event.
Should you ever need me…
All the Best,
Saucey
FOURTH PLACE - ZARA IVORY
Zara is faced with a similar steel chair at the center of her room. The room illuminates, revealing a similar golden envelope on a podium. Inside is another white card.
Dearest Zara,
A heartfelt thank you for your incredible performance on Last Man/Woman Standing. Your strength and skill were truly commendable, making you an unforgettable challenger, and a star in this competition. Your triumph in the boat battle royale was nothing short of epic. And your run out in front of the pack at the finale was an inspiring effort.
I want to acknowledge your unwavering spirit, especially considering the recent challenges you’ve experienced in your own personal world. Your ability to overcome adversity while still remaining professional speaks volumes about your character. You’re the heart of soul of this event. If we were having a third season of this show, I would surely invite you back as one of the coaches.
On behalf of TIA and LMS please accept this check in the amount of $500,000 as a reward for your performance in this event.
Should you ever need me…
From my heart to yours,
Saucey
THIRD PLACE - JESSIE LEE
Jessie Lee plops down in the chair in her room, happy to finally be off her feet. The bright lights are an unwelcome surprise, but the golden envelope in front of her is too pretty not to open.
Hey Jessie,
You rocked the Last Man/Woman Standing hard AF all season long! Your fierce energy and aggressive attitude brought a whole new level of intensity to the competition. We were fortunate to have a badass like you driving this thing forward.
You may not have walked away as the winner, but you, above all others (even that dirty SOB J-Mont) will be the TIA Forever Champion, in my eyes. You always represented the brand with the attitude and showmanship that defines the brand. I thank you for that. Some champions are elevated BY the belt, but that belt was elevated BY you instead. Keep it shiny, it’s yours for as long as you want it.
Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women.
On behalf of TIA and LMS please accept this check in the amount of $750,000, and the keys to a brand new 2024 Kayfabe Airlines Axtgriff Inter-dimensional Sports Utility Vehicle as a reward for your performance in this event.
Should you ever need me…
Stay wild, stay bold,
Saucey
SECOND PLACE - PENELOPE PLIMMSWOOD
Penelope, still angry about having the win stolen from her, enters the room and refuses to sit in her steel chair. When the lights turn on, she turns her back to the podium and folds her arms. She waits about 10 seconds before circling around and reluctantly grabbing the golden envelope.
Deepest Darkest Penelope,
I wanted to take a moment to express my deepest gratitude for your incredible performance on Last Man/Woman Standing. Your other-wordly presence truly sets you apart, making every challenge a spectacle. Your unique spirit is a special flavor that any promoter should welcome to a competition.
Your dedication has not gone unnoticed. Coming off major appearances at Calamity Chamber and the Triad Trials, recruiting you for this competition was a major accompaniment and a point of pride for me. You stuck with this show when most others quit. I respect that so freaking much. Thank you for giving me a chance. It's contestants like you who make professional wrestling and competitions like this the thrilling experience that it is. We were lucky to have you as part of this adventure.
Competition is about more than trophies. It’s about stories. And yours still has the best parts yet to come. Of all the challengers on the show, I believe your story, you, have the most potential. Bigger things are waiting for you to come. When you close the book on your career, I hope this chapter is one you look back on with fond memories.
On behalf of TIA and LMS please accept this check in the amount of $1,000,000 and a Kayfabe Airlines Lifetime Membership granting you unlimited travel to any place in the world, at any time in history, as a reward for your participation in this event.
Should you ever need me…
Stay spooky,
Saucey
FIRST PLACE - SELENA FROST
Last Man/Woman Standing winner, Selena Frost enters the room with a heart overflowing with emotion. She excitedly takes a seat in her chair expecting to be greeted by the Sauce Boss, but is discouraged to find that a golden envelope has appeared in his place. “Almost as good.” She tells herself. She’s trusted the process so far, and it’s led her to this point. Why not trust Saucey a little while longer?
Selena,
Just wanted to drop you a note, not as Saucey or as the Sauce Boss this time, but as a friend. My name is Tim. It’s nice to meet you. I don’t get out much. I don’t have many friends. I’ve burned most of the bridges that I’ve built. I’m just a wrestling fan with the means to bring together people for an amazing competition. I’m a visionary that relies on more talented people to throw a good party. All I ever wanted to do is meet interesting people and write a story worth telling.
I want to say a massive thank you for sharing a piece of yourself with me, Last Man/Woman Standing and with the World Series of Wrestling. You made it a much better experience for me, and all of us.
This is the part where I drop in some corny puns about your icy demeanor and your cool confidence, but that none of that would seem genuine at this moment. So, let’s try something else instead. Throughout these two competitions, your congeniality and kindness have only been matched by your ability. After all you’ve done, I’m a fan, in the ring, and in life. I hope good things happen to you and for you, and I feel more complete having known you, even if it has just been for a short time.
I wish all five of you had won, but you most of all. Hopefully, the rewards represent just how much I appreciate what you have meant to this experience. You won’t soon be forgotten.
On behalf of TIA and LMS I am offering you my entire estate worth over $50 Million. This includes the LMS Compound located at St. Maarten Island in the Caribbean, my stake in the archives of THIS IS AWESOME PROMOTIONS and minority ownership of both Kayfabe Airlines and the Ring Rust Cafe brands. As I vanish from public view, everything I have left is yours. Enjoy it. You deserve it.
Should you ever need me…
You stay frosty and I’ll stay…
-Saucey
A PARTING MESSAGE
As quickly as he appeared, the Sauce Boss fades into the shadows, leaving the challenger alone with their thoughts, the spotlight extinguishing, and the room returning to darkness. Left behind is a simple blessing written in white letters on a black background.
Until we meet again down the road,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
And when the world weighs heavy on your shoulders
Know that you are awesome.
Thanks for being a friend.
-Saucey
12.22.23
12.22.23