Post by allenchaney on Dec 17, 2022 8:51:15 GMT -5
It’s midnight and even after a melatonin gummy I can not sleep.
The well of inspiration has been pretty dry lately.
I’m honestly pretty sick of doing the sitcom thing.
It started as a way to hang on to my pain about the show’s cancellation.
But that pain is no longer relevant.
I’ve learned from it. Callous has formed over those wounds.
It is time to move on.
Truth be told I think everyone else is getting pretty sick of the sitcom thing as well.
I get up and it disturbs the sleep of Bill who is resting on my stomach.
I’m honestly also not crazy about what they’re asking me to do for this, either.
I slide on a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie over the dirty t-shirt I was sleeping in and I start the ‘new project’ ritual without even realizing I’m doing it. I pop in my airpods so I don’t have to talk to anyone and walk to the 24-hour drugstore around the corner.
A Yoo-hoo. Cherry pull-n-peel Twizzlers. Chesters Hot Fries. A sugar free Red Bull whose primary flavor profile I can only describe as ‘chemicals’ and most importantly…
A blank notepad and ten pens.
I take them up to the front where the guy behind the counter does not meet my gaze or even recognize my presence as he is watching something on his tablet. I lean over to see what he’s watching and catch a glimpse of the sight of James Corden hosting the Late Late Show.
“Oh sorry dude.”
“Oh, it’s alright man.” Allen says. The guy starts ringing up Allen’s stuff.
“James Corden, huh?” Allen says. He was bad at conversation but he was trying to practice.
“Yeah, isn’t he the best?”
“No! I think he’s awful and he and Jimmy Fallon are completely destroying the institution of the late night talk show! I want the zombie form of Johnny Carson to bite their dicks off and make Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert watch to serve as a warning. Every time I see a ‘carpool karaoke’ clip I silently pray they get T-boned by one of Jay Leno’s billion dollar cars. They are to comedy what Jack The Ripper was to Victorian Prostitutes and Kanye West is to his own career. Network television has become almost entirely unwatchable, cable has good stuff but is dying because of streaming services and the streaming services that were killing it seem to all be on a downward trend now as well and I can trace every single bit of the problem back to Leno booting one of the most genius comedic minds of our century in the form of Conan O’Brien off of the Tonight Show so that that dipshit chucklefuck Jimmy Fallon could take over and turn one of the most important shows in the history of Comedy and Television into Tik Tok for Boomers. Fuck James Corden, Fuck Jimmy Fallon, and Fuck NBC.” I imagine myself saying.
“Ha, yeah he’s alright.” I actually say as I swipe my debit card.
I take my bag of stuff and walk back to my place.
I guess that will have to pass for inspiration.
Every Wrestler equally hopes and fears that one day they are recognized for their achievements and make it into some manner of Wrestling Hall of Fame. The acknowledgement is great but it also serves as an admission that you’re done. It’s the gold watch that the factory gives you when they decide they’re done with you and any attempt you make after that to keep going people think is ‘sad’ because all your best years are behind you. They have to be, right? They don’t put you in the hall of fame unless you’re a wounded old horse being taken behind the barn as the farmer loads his shotgun.
But there is an honor that Comedians both yearn for and fear as well. It means you’ve reached the top but you aren't out working the clubs anymore and your face is front and center. You’ve got a team of writers working with you desperately trying to keep people from getting sick of a face they see five nights a week. YOUR face. It’s the hardest job in all of comedy.
So fuck it, let’s combine them.
A swig of the battery acid flavored energy drink.
Okay, pen to notepad.
If I’m gonna be awake I might as well do something productive.
We open with a relevant quote. White text on a black screen. Transition to interior. Office of Daniel Fitzsimmons.
“The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.”
-Conan O’Brien
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: This is going to be expensive.
Allen nods in response to his manager/agent who is looking at a notepad Allen has covered in barely legible chicken scratch with several crudely drawn diagrams.
ALLEN CHANEY: I mean… gotta spend money to make money.
DANIEL FITZSIMMOMNS: We didn’t get the deposit back on the last studio rental and you started a fire in there. This is considerably more money than that.
ALLEN CHANEY: You can’t prove I started the fire.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: You filmed it. It aired.
We hear a sitcom laugh track.
ALLEN CHANEY: That was an Imposter and I swear that like OJ Simpson I will not REST until that fat handsome arsonist is brought to justice.
Another laugh track and the conversation pauses for the laugh the way totally normal conversations do.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: It would be different if you were pulling in a bunch of money right now.
ALLEN CHANEY: The Bill plushies are still selling like hotcakes! Hey, maybe we should sell hotcakes? Hotcakes with pictures of my cat on them.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: They were initially great but sales eventually tapered off. How are sales of the new shirt going?
ALLEN CHANEY: Oh I uh…
We do a hard cut to Allen standing on a street corner outside of the most recent PWE show with many boxes and a table covered in prints of his terrible WSoW shirt.
ALLEN CHANEY: Two for a dollar. A quarter a piece? Please. Please someone buy them. This is Hell. I’m in Hell. I can feel Satan’s hot breath on my neck as he pounds me with his barbed demon wiener.
The laugh track plays again. Allen finally shrugs and takes a gas can out from behind his merch table and starts dumping the contents all over the shirts on the table, the laughs continuing on through the process before we cut back to Allen and Daniel in Daniel’s office.
ALLEN CHANEY: I think business was starting to pick up until that sexy serial arsonist popped up again. That guy really has it out for me.
Another laugh from the laugh track and Allen takes a deep breath.
ALLEN CHANEY: Okay hang on. I know this was my idea for this but it’s fucking annoying.
Allen stands up and leaves the room, the next shot is of him entering a room where a single man has a soundboard in front of him. Allen snatches the soundboard away from him and slams it down on the ground and stomps on it repeatedly, the occasional recorded laugh being released until finally one last laugh comes out that slows down to a demonic crawl of a laugh that stops as sparks sputter from the soundboard. Allen returns to the office and sits down. There is a long silence.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: Your idea doesn’t really have much to do with the prompt for this video package WSoW is asking for.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’ll shoehorn it in somewhere, this is just what I want to do and if I’m about to crash and burn in this bitch then I wanna go out doing a thing I’ve always wanted to do. This is the thing. Now is the time. I have the power. The children are our future. Subway: Eat Fresh.
Daniel rubs his temples a bit before he finally comes up with a compromise.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: Okay look. I can move some numbers around and we can make this happen but I need you to promise me one thing.
ALLEN CHANEY: Seriously? Of course! Anything.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: I need you to stop setting things on fire when things aren’t going your way. Put your lighter on my desk and leave it.
Allen narrows his gaze at Daniel. The 7 foot tall retired wrestler does not flinch or even blink in response. He simply taps the desk in front of him. Allen sighs and takes out his ‘Smiley’ lighter and puts it on the desk.
ALLEN CHANEY: Fine.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: Good boy. I’ll start making some calls.
ALLEN CHANEY: Seriously though, how much could Conan’s band cost? It’s not like they’re busy.
Daniel writes a number on a post-it from his desk and passes it to Allen. An involuntary noise escapes from Allen’s throat that sounds like something between a gasp, a yelp, and a cough.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’m uh….gonna go see about selling an organ or two, maybe turn a few tricks.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: I may be able to sort out a sponsorship or two to eat some of the costs. I know one of them is VERY interested.
ALLEN CHANEY: Anyone. I’ll shill for fucking anything.
DANIEL FITSZIMMONS: You’ll probably have to. I’ll call you when things are set up.
Allen nods and gets up from the chair and starts walking to the door.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: I saw you take the lighter back, Allen.
Daniel taps his desk once more and Allen huffs like a toddler before stomping back over and putting his lighter back on the desk before storming out.
A hard cut. A jazzy intro theme is playing, recognizable as the former intro to ‘Late Night with Conan O’Brien.’
ANNOUNCER: From a reasonable facsimile of NBC Studios in New York…It’s Late Night with Allen Chaney!
We get several shots of New York along with shots of Allen wearing a suit which is an INCREDIBLY rare sight.
ANNOUNCER: With special guest, Pro Wrestler and Comedian Allen Chaney!
Okay so apparently Allen was going to be his own guest. Weird.
ANNOUNCER: And we couldn’t Andy Kindler or Max Weinberg so instead we have Allen’s cat Bill and every other member of the Max Weinberg 7!
The camera cuts to the soundstage which is, in fact, a close replica of the old Late Night set.
ANNOUNCER: And here is your your host… Allen Chaney!
The studio audience applauds and cheers wildly as Allen emerges from the curtain, moving to the rhythm of the music as it speeds up and approaches a climax, the drummer going wild and Allen doing a bit of a hop and landing in time to the music before doing a twirl and pointing at the drummer before finally the song cuts off.
Look he’s doing the thing Conan O’Brien used to do, look it up on fucking Youtube I guess. Allen spent a ton of money on Conan O’Brien Fantasy Camp and now apparently we all have to watch. Allen does a few more little dances and twirls that the drummer plays along to. Allen let’s the applause die down, smiling wide.
ALLEN CHANEY: Wow. Okay….Yeah, that’s all I needed, bye!
Allen pretends to start leaving and the audience cheers and laughs. Allen stops and turns back around.
ALLEN CHANEY: Sounds like some of you might have actually liked that. No, welcome to the show everyone!
The crowd cheers again.
ALLEN CHANEY: Oh, we’ve got a great show for you tonight…I just wanted to start off by apologizing to my guest tonight for the sad state of the food in the green room but I have gotten it taken care of. See I was initially gonna have Vhodka Black on the show but uh…she got here before everybody and ate most of what catering provided and then just left... but it's okay. I've got you guys. Making a five star meal out of Vhodka Black's table scraps after she bails is basically the only reason anyone knows who I am.
This gets a solid laugh. Allen unbuttons the jacket of his suit to reveal the Excellence Championship and shoots the camera wink which gets a few ‘woos’.
ALLEN CHANEY: Alright settle down. Save all the good ‘woos’ for when I get a Guest Buck spot at The Velvet Rabbit. They’re gonna have to reinforce the hell out of that pole. Speaking of The Velvet Rabbit, the hot new holiday item for adults is the Taurus signature dildo. Have you seen this thing? Talk about a stocking stuffer. On the other hand, the worst-selling adult toy is apparently the Signature ‘Lewis Chad-Pinkston’ Enormous Pussy.
Another break for laughter. Last one that’s gonna be written out but they do still keep happening I promise. I wouldn’t lie to you.
ALLEN CHANEY: Folks, we’ll be right back with a special treat for all you fans of year-end awards. Don’t go anywhere.
Anyway, then there’s a commercial for Fazoli’s I’m not going to bother describing and we come back to Allen seated behind his desk.
ALLEN CHANEY: Welcome back folks, here’s a shot of my co-host to guarantee a ratings bump.
We get a shot of Allen’s adorable cat Bill laying on the couch beside the desk. He looks up at Allen and blinks a few times. The crowd goes ‘awwwww’.
ALLEN CHANEY: Alright, now that I have everyone locked in…Everyone has been talking about year-end Lists and Awards. That’s the big controversy going on right now because apparently there can’t ever just NOT be a controversy.
The crowd laughs at this, even Allen taking a moment for a little bit of a chuckle. Okay so I lied to you. I’m still acknowledging laughter when it’s important. I’m the descriptive text and I can do whatever I want. Titties.
ALLEN CHANEY: So I figured I, The Comedian, could give out some of my own awards in a little segment I like to call ‘The Commies’.
The crowd simultaneously laughs and applauds as Allen announces the name of his award show and a logo graphic pops up across the screen. He moves from his desk to stand at a podium just beside it and a monitor lowers to be beside him on the left. There is an award on the podium representing only the ‘Comedy’ half of the infamous Tragedy and Comedy masks only painted yellow and with a fake blood smear to represent Allen’s logo.
ALLEN CHANEY: We should…probably come up with a better name for the award, huh? It doesn't particularly matter as it only exists as a means for me to talk shit on a bunch of people. That being said…
The band strikes up some prestigious and very serious award music.
ALLEN CHANEY: First up we have the ‘Fake Nice Guy’ award going to Raion Kido! You see Raion likes to present himself as a nice and honorable guy who just does silly anime poses. I don’t know if I’ve ever even met the dude in person but I was looking forward to it. I’ve never said an ill word about him which is why it was weird to me when it came time to book our own matches as a fun little exercise and for his show he went out of his way to call me ‘annoying’, booked me in the ‘bronze tier’ of matches and then spelled my name wrong. This is the guy everyone has told me is super nice! It was not a requirement of this show to give the matches ‘tiers’ of importance but he did it anyway because he apparently just wanted people to know he thinks they are inferior. THAT’S WHAT SOCIOPATHS DO. Anyway, the award has to be accepted by his girlfriend to prove that she exists because frankly I don’t buy it. Yeah, you heard me. No one on this planet talks about anime as much as that dude does without drying up every pair of panties in a five mile radius. She’s definitely an anime body pillow.
Allen looks at the trophy and intentionally basks in the laughter dying down into an awkward silence.
ALLEN CHANEY: See the part of this I didn’t think about in rehearsal is that no one is actually here to accept the award so uh, now I just have this awkward transition to…..the next award! This is the award for Worst Business Idea and the award goes to…
Allen holds up an invisible envelope and pretends to open it, then looks shocked at the result.
ALLEN CHANEY: …The Sarah Wolf Day Care Center! Entrust your children to this entirely stable human being! There’s no snakes hidden in the ball pit, it’s just all snakes! Exposed wiring! No batteries in the smoke detectors! Plenty of stuffed animals to play with and by that we mean taxidermied animals! For story time we’re reading ‘Guts’ by Chuck Palahniuk and if you don’t get that reference then PLEASE DON’T GOOGLE IT! We lost some kids! We made up a fun game called ‘Who Can Break The Most Glass’! Building featuring the FINEST lead paint, asbestos insulation, and radon! We will fuck their little minds right up!
A pause as Allen needs a moment to regain his composure.
ALLEN CHANEY: Sorry but if I have to keep thinking about that card then so do the rest of you. Anyway, come accept this award. It’ll be in the offices of Dr. Marcus Howell, a very good Psychiatrist. Maybe stick around and have a chat with him, Sarah. Super nice dude. He might give you pills! Pills are neat!
The monitor beside Allen displays a doctor giving a big thumbs up while holding a bottle of pills.
ALLEN CHANEY: Seriously, don’t google that Chuck Palahniuk story if you don’t know what it is. Our next award is the ‘Not a Cop’ award which goes to…. Peter Vaughn!
A picture pops up next to him of good ol Pete.
ALLEN CHANEY: How the hell is this guy only 30? I’m 35. I’m five years OLDER than this guy and I’d still offer to carry his bags if I saw him at an airport. Pete looks like he’s been through 9 divorces and a World War. I’ve BEEN a janitor. This isn’t just what being a janitor does to you. You don’t have to make any sort of soil-draining pact with a Demon or hook yourself up to the Princess Bride torture machine that steals a year off your life to clock in. A warning to anyone who shares a locker room with this dude, if he comes around asking to buy weed you BOUNCE. I bet he calls it ‘Wacky Tobaccy’ like a grandpa. Anyway, you can come collect your award at the Museum of Natural History so you can be among all the other fossils. I wanna see if you try and get a senior discount. Is that entrapment?
Allen shrugs.
ALLEN CHANEY: Or I can just accept all these awards, yay for me! Awards don't actually matter! Folks, we’ll be right back after this!
Another commercial for Fazoli’s. Where the hell is Fazoli’s getting all this advertising money? We return from commercial to find Allen at his desk with a stack of blue cards.
ALLEN CHANEY: Folks, welcome back… So I mentioned Awards and Lists earlier but only delivered on half of that and you know what? That’s not fair to all of you so guess what folks? I intend to FULLY Deliver. It’s time for THE Top Ten List!
The band plays a nice little ‘Top Ten’ theme as Allen takes out blue cards just like Dave used to have. We get another graphic for this. It’s pretty. Imagine it.
ALLEN CHANEY: I know Top Ten lists were a Letterman thing and guess what? I don’t care! Let’s get into it. It’s the ‘Top Ten Things Overheard at Allen Chaney’s Hall of Fame Acceptance Ceremony!‘.
Allen looks through the cards a bit and pretends to wipe sweat off of his brow.
ALLEN CHANEY: Man, if anything in all of this is gonna get me in trouble it’s absolutely what is on these cards. Are you ready?
The crowd makes the ready noise.
ALLEN CHANEY: Alright, here we go… ‘Number 10! Allen’s speech only started 30 seconds ago and Dane Preston’s already in 14 different twitter fights.’
Allen already has to pause and laugh to himself.
ALLEN CHANEY: Either he doesn’t know what the block button is or he just likes the taste of his own foot.
Allen tosses one of the blue notecards out of the fake window behind him before moving on.
ALLEN CHANEY: ‘Number 9! When someone said there’d be a few fake dicks I thought they’d be doing a promotional thing for Taurus but it turns out they were just telling me the Montuori brothers would be in attendance.’
Allen tosses another note card.
ALLEN CHANEY: Man I really hope that’s the last time I or anyone else talk about that dildo… anyway ‘Number 8! Is ‘Raion Kido’ really just ‘Lion Kid’ being pronounced with a Japanese accent or am I a racist?’
Allen winces and adjusts his collar a little bit as he tosses this card.
ALLEN CHANEY: I was already worried about getting canceled over the ‘Anime Body Pillow’ thing but screw it, I guess. ‘Number 7! Vhodka brought the Cheese Fountain display so if you had any of the fondue you may or may not have a sex disease.’ Hoo boy. Brie, Gruyere, Smegma. It’s all cheese, man.
Allen feigns a dry heave at his own joke before moving on.
ALLEN CHANEY: ‘Number 6. Last time Centurion was part of a crowd this big he was part of the Senate watching Emperor Caesar get stabbed to death.’ Man, that’s probably too smart a joke for this show.
Another card toss, this time accompanied by a glass breaking sound effect.
ALLEN CHANEY: Keeping it going…’Number 5. I’m pretty sure Samantha Voxx wasn’t invited to this but someone didn’t show up and we need a seat filled so screw it.’ Hey, it’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it. Hey, someone try and catch this one.
Allen balls up the blue card and tosses it into the crowd.
ALLEN CHANEY: Ha, fun times… ‘Number 4. Denzel Porter tried psychedelics in the bathroom and apparently the HASHTAG Breaking News is that he’s laying on the ground ranking all of the carpet fibers based on their workrate and title reigns.’ I mean… I’D read that list.
Allen pretends he’s gonna throw another into the crowd but out the window it goes.
ALLEN CHANEY: ‘Number 3. Okay, so we’re all in agreement: If anything goes wrong it is Chris Page’s fault.’ I mean….it seems to work?
Card throw lol.
ALLEN CHANEY: ‘Number 2. There were fewer porn stars and strippers than this at the last award show I went to and it was the AVN awards.’ Like I said I’m still waiting on that Guest Buck spot. I do a hell of a chair dance you just….better have some sturdy chairs. Anyway! The moment you’ve all been waiting for…
A drum roll.
ALLEN CHANEY: The number one thing overheard at the Hall of Fame Ceremony of Allen Chaney… ‘I thought the after party was at the Velvet Rabbit but everyone who made fun of Allen’s weight was invited to a special party at some fountain’.
Laughter and applause.
ALLEN CHANEY: That was our top ten list but come right back folks, we’ve got my guest Allen Chaney right after this! Stick around!
Allen tosses the last blue card at the camera as the band plays him into commercial.
BUY PASTA. AFFORDABLE SWEATY PASTA. FAZOLIS.
We return to Allen at the desk and the band wrapping up as the commercial ends.
ALLEN CHANEY: Welcome back folks, Our first and only guest tonight… he’s a Stand-Up Comedian and Pro Wrestler you can see in Pro Wrestling Excellence and in the World Series of Wrestling…Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Allen Chaney!
Thanks to the magic of editing and green screens, our Host Allen Chaney in his nice suit is joined by Allen Chaney in his street clothes who is met with cheers and applause as the band plays a cover of his entrance theme ‘Shimmy Shimmy Ya’. A pair of Jeans, a PWE ‘Ollie Dorito’ shirt, and a plain black hoodie. Allen waves politely to the crowd and makes his way to the desk, taking a moment to shake hands with himself. That was weird. Allen takes a seat next to Bill on the couch while Allen takes a seat behind the desk. Huh…should probably distinguish between the two.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: Allen, nice to have you.
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: Good to be here… honestly when you invited me I was pretty hesitant.
That’ll work.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: Hesitant? Why hesitant?
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: Oh, I was worried you were gonna have me sing in your car or something dumb like that.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: Yeah, we don’t do that here.
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: I guess I was also worried that with this ‘splitscreen’ bit it’d quickly devolve into us just complimenting each other about how handsome we are.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: You know my instincts initially were gonna take me there and I thought better of it.
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: Yeah, that’s probably for the best. Your co-host is pretty cute, though.
Guest Allen reaches over and gives Bill a little scritch for being so well-behaved and chill in front of this crowd. Allen admittedly felt a little bad for calling him a ‘chaotic little shit’ the day before for yanking the Christmas tree down.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: Let’s get right into it then… Let’s talk about your work in the World Series of Wrestling. You’ve been doing well in the World Series of Wrestling so far, yeah?
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: Yeah! I was at number one for such a long time that they decided to make me DOUBLE number one which is like… TWICE as good as number one.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: Uhm… actually I’m pretty sure you’re now number eleven.
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: Hm? I don’t follow.
The audience catches on and starts laughing as they realize Allen (the guest) is feigning ignorance and denial.
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: Clearly what happened here is that I won so much that they had to invent something above ‘Number One’ so they just doubled up the number. I’m not ranked Eleven. I’m ranked One One. My therapist says if I keep saying that enough times then maybe I’ll stop swearing at my mirror so much.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: Then by all means, you’re Number One One. Right folks?
The crowd applauses and Guest Allen Chaney sarcastically accepts this adulation, standing, bowing, blowing kisses to the crowd. He’s clearly self aware about dropping so many spots so quickly.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: So now that you’ve scored so many points that they had to invent a new number for you, what are your other goals in the World Series of Wrestling and beyond?
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: I don’t know, I guess my biggest goal is to make friends. I mean at the very least so if you keep doing this Talk Show thing you’ll maybe have someone to interview besides yourself.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: It IS very sad!
Both of the Allen’s start laughing. The laugh goes on for way too long and devolves into exaggerated fake crying. Then it stops abruptly. Bill looks very confused. Then he doesn;t care anymore and starts licking himself.
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: No uh…the ‘friends’ thing is that while I’m not super active about it right now I’ve been kinda looking for a tag partner just for shits and giggles. I also… I’ve felt very safe in my own little corner in PWE and I love PWE and I’m convinced we have the best talent in the world but being amongst all this other talent maybe… Maybe Allen Chaney is enough man for a second company? I dunno, I tweeted a few days ago about joining a CULT and no one seems to have taken that bait yet but I’m looking at options. No firm commitment yet but now that the word is out there… I’m…willing to listen to other feds if they’re interested in bringing me in for a fight or two and if that leads to ink on paper… Tight. And if anyone out there is chill with me and looking for a tag partner. Maybe give me a call. I might say yes. I also might say no but like… yeah.
Guest Allen just kinda shrugs, wishing he had maybe worded that more eloquently but he at least wanted to put that out there into the world.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: Kind of a big scoop that you’re looking for more work. You've accomplished a fair amount in this industry and if you keep going it’s possible you’ll be inducted into some kind of Hall of Fame.
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: I dunno about all that..
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: Well as a fun little thought experiment… We have a podium and we were wondering if you could maybe give us a glimpse into the future. What YOU think your Hall of Fame speech might be like.
The crowd applauds at this idea.
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: …Nah, I’m good.
An awkward silence with some chuckles from the audience.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: What if….I offered you a free meal at Fazoli’s.
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: Then I’ll do it!
Both Allens turn to face directly into the camera and smile wide.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: That check better clear, Fazoli’s!
Guest Allen nods and moves away from the desk to the podium awaiting him and takes a deep breath as all the lights save for a spotlight focused on Allen fade out. Allen takes one deep breath and searches his thoughts for a moment. He promised himself when he did this he’d just speak from the heart, not a lot of planning. Okay.
ALLEN CHANEY: Thank you all very much. I know this is a very Midwestern thing to say but…
A pause. He wants to word this the correct way.
ALLEN CHANEY: I don’t…think I’ve done anything to deserve this and a lot of people are going to groan at that and I know I have a history of it but I promise that isn’t self-deprecation. I have accomplished many things I am proud of and I will put my Excellence Championship directly in the face of anyone to show it. I just…happen to enjoy feeling like I don’t deserve this because what that tells me is that I may never be done or at the very least I am not done yet. It will always feel like there is more to do and that’s….exciting and terrifying. I’ve gone to war with people who are now my close friends but there’s always new friends to make. I’ve bled buckets but there’s still plenty of blood left in me and it’s my call what I do with that blood and I want to leave a little bit of it on as many wrestling rings as possible. I mean at the very least, Jimmy Buffet is still out there with an unkicked ass so I have to get around to taking care of that eventually.
A decent laugh for this callback.
ALLEN CHANEY: A lot of people get into both Professional Wrestling and Stand-Up Comedy with three words in mind and those words are ‘Look At Me’ and it was never about that for me. If you look around you right now at all the other wrestlers here there are a lot of very pretty people and this is not a knock on them but I am NOT pretty. I’m never gonna have washboard abs so long as French Toast and Mozzarella Sticks continue to be the best foods. I was raised by a professional chef, my waistline never stood a chance. My folks weren’t wealthy and I know it’s common for your parents to tell you ‘you can be anything’ but my Mom actually believed that and more importantly when I got down on myself she believed it FOR me when I needed it. My Dad worked hard and didn’t make a ton of money but there was always food on our table and a roof over our heads and he busted his ASS to make sure myself and my two sisters had that.
An applause break for mom and dad.
ALLEN CHANEY: But as I was saying…I didn’t want you all to ‘look at me’. I’m genuinely not a fan of being looked at but…Open Mic Nights were cheaper than therapy. Whether I’m telling jokes or cutting a promo in PWE I speak candidly about my anxiety, my depression, my doubts, my insecurities and even my autism because I know that there are other people who also have that and I want to succeed to show them that they can succeed, too. If the right people actually DO believe that I deserve to have what I’ve done acknowledged in this fashion even if I don’t share that belief… then I guess we can call that success and if you’re a little fat kid watching this at home and you have ever felt any of those things I just talked about then this is YOUR success, too. Trust me, I know what it’s like to not feel like a success.
A deep breath, Allen has been very open about his mental health in the past but not the details of his life.
ALLEN CHANEY: My first four jobs were fry cook, retail, janitor, and doing construction cleanup. I dropped out of Junior college so I could make maybe one tenth of what many would consider a living wage and when I had to make the choice between buying either a bed or a couch for my first apartment since I could only afford one I decided to go with the couch since you can use a couch as a bed but you can’t use a bed as a couch and I slept on that couch for two years. Surviving off of food marked for disposal from my roommates grocery store job and when I was feeling fancy? A 5 dollar Hot and Ready from Little Caesars. I could have been doing better but I was turning down night shifts I probably NEEDED because what I decided I needed more was my nights free to go tell jokes. Then one day I get asked if I wanna be a bouncer… at one of the only comedy clubs in Kansas City. So I take it and I use my presence there to snatch up every bit of stage time they will give me and for a long time? I fucking SUCK…but you always suck at first. Eventually I get…pretty good. I get noticed and now I’m getting booked all over town but someone else noticed me, too. Guy by the name of Johnathan Fitzsimmons, better known to some of you as Johnny Maverick but he doesn’t notice the jokes. What he notices is how well I hurl his drunk ass out of the club one night. I sent that bitch flyin. So he comes back the next day sober with his dad who is my manager to this day and he says ‘Pops, this fat fuck is pretty good at throwing people’ and all of a sudden on top of everything else… I’m a fighter. And uh….I guess that catches you all up. I’ll save the rest for a book or some shit.
Allen takes another breath and a moment to process his thoughts.
ALLEN CHANEY: I looked at both of my jobs and decided to make them into one job. I wanted to be the Carlin of Pro Wrestling. I wanted to be Body Slam Bill Hicks… and initially I took the wrong path to being that, thinking i could just be a sweary dickhead and mock everyone around me…and don’t get me wrong I am still very much a sweary dickhead but that’s not what made either of those dudes special. What made them special was both their personal honesty and their PURSUIT of honesty, honing their wit to weaponize it against the illogical and harmful thoughts that poison this world. So when I step into a wrestling ring and call myself a Comedian it’s not because I get on stage and sling jokes in my free time… It’s because I needed to show all of you what a joke this industry is and I don’t want you to get offended by that. I mean that with not a single ounce of disrespect to what we all do. Pro Wrestling is my FAVORITE joke.
Allen hopes people take that the right way.
ALLEN CHANEY: So if I had one final lesson in Comedy to teach all of you since I’ve decided to wrap that bit up… It’s that you aren’t always going to knock the ball out of the park. There isn’t a Comedian living or dead who hasn’t had at least one bad set. You can’t let one bad set or two destroy you. You need to learn from them. You need to get up and dust yourself off and prove all the Hecklers and Hacks of the world wrong. You hit the notepad and if you can’t make the bit work you dump it and start on a new one. There’s always gonna be someone out there you think is funnier and working harder than you…you can’t look at them. Keep GRINDING. Tighten the set. There’s this old expression that anything worth doing is worth doing right… well I’ve tweaked it a little bit. Anything worth doing is worth doing wrong until you get it right. Sure, I’ve won a few shiny belts and have apparently done enough to get into the Hall of Fame but uh…
Allen looks out at the crowd, knowing that what he has to say next is gonna be hard to live up to. He decides at that moment that he means it enough to say it.
ALLEN CHANEY: It’s on to the next set for me. It’s the Grind until the Grave so long as I can find a microphone or a wrestling ring that will have me and I don’t intend to go out with a whimper. My career isn’t gonna be a shaggy dog story. You best believe when I do make it to that final Punchline that it’s gonna be talked about for ages…and to end on a Bill Hicks quote because of course I was gonna. ‘No one can give you any answers. There aren’t any. You have to discover for yourself. You must learn to navigate the mystery.’ …and I hope you all will join me as we all continue to navigate the mystery. Setup. Punchline. Thank you very much everybody.
Allen steps out from behind the podium as the band begins playing Grammy-Award Winning 1999 Hit Smooth By Santana Feat. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty off of the Multi-Platinum Album ‘Supernatural’ to play him off for this hypothetical Hall of Fame acceptance speech. He walks out into the crowd and gives a few high fives as he leaves, we cut back to Allen at the desk, now holding Bill and giving him pats because he is the goodest little goblin.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: Hell of a speech. Couldn’t have done it any better myself. Folks! That’s all the time we have for tonight! A special thanks to our guest Allen Chaney. For my co-host Bill and the Max Weinberg Seven-Minus-Max Weinberg I wish you all good night!
The crowd applauds as we fade out on a rushed credits scene and then we cut to black….
…Just kidding, one last Fazoli’s commercial.
Okay, done for real this time.
#SetupPunchline
The well of inspiration has been pretty dry lately.
I’m honestly pretty sick of doing the sitcom thing.
It started as a way to hang on to my pain about the show’s cancellation.
But that pain is no longer relevant.
I’ve learned from it. Callous has formed over those wounds.
It is time to move on.
Truth be told I think everyone else is getting pretty sick of the sitcom thing as well.
I get up and it disturbs the sleep of Bill who is resting on my stomach.
I’m honestly also not crazy about what they’re asking me to do for this, either.
I slide on a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie over the dirty t-shirt I was sleeping in and I start the ‘new project’ ritual without even realizing I’m doing it. I pop in my airpods so I don’t have to talk to anyone and walk to the 24-hour drugstore around the corner.
A Yoo-hoo. Cherry pull-n-peel Twizzlers. Chesters Hot Fries. A sugar free Red Bull whose primary flavor profile I can only describe as ‘chemicals’ and most importantly…
A blank notepad and ten pens.
I take them up to the front where the guy behind the counter does not meet my gaze or even recognize my presence as he is watching something on his tablet. I lean over to see what he’s watching and catch a glimpse of the sight of James Corden hosting the Late Late Show.
“Oh sorry dude.”
“Oh, it’s alright man.” Allen says. The guy starts ringing up Allen’s stuff.
“James Corden, huh?” Allen says. He was bad at conversation but he was trying to practice.
“Yeah, isn’t he the best?”
“No! I think he’s awful and he and Jimmy Fallon are completely destroying the institution of the late night talk show! I want the zombie form of Johnny Carson to bite their dicks off and make Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert watch to serve as a warning. Every time I see a ‘carpool karaoke’ clip I silently pray they get T-boned by one of Jay Leno’s billion dollar cars. They are to comedy what Jack The Ripper was to Victorian Prostitutes and Kanye West is to his own career. Network television has become almost entirely unwatchable, cable has good stuff but is dying because of streaming services and the streaming services that were killing it seem to all be on a downward trend now as well and I can trace every single bit of the problem back to Leno booting one of the most genius comedic minds of our century in the form of Conan O’Brien off of the Tonight Show so that that dipshit chucklefuck Jimmy Fallon could take over and turn one of the most important shows in the history of Comedy and Television into Tik Tok for Boomers. Fuck James Corden, Fuck Jimmy Fallon, and Fuck NBC.” I imagine myself saying.
“Ha, yeah he’s alright.” I actually say as I swipe my debit card.
I take my bag of stuff and walk back to my place.
I guess that will have to pass for inspiration.
Every Wrestler equally hopes and fears that one day they are recognized for their achievements and make it into some manner of Wrestling Hall of Fame. The acknowledgement is great but it also serves as an admission that you’re done. It’s the gold watch that the factory gives you when they decide they’re done with you and any attempt you make after that to keep going people think is ‘sad’ because all your best years are behind you. They have to be, right? They don’t put you in the hall of fame unless you’re a wounded old horse being taken behind the barn as the farmer loads his shotgun.
But there is an honor that Comedians both yearn for and fear as well. It means you’ve reached the top but you aren't out working the clubs anymore and your face is front and center. You’ve got a team of writers working with you desperately trying to keep people from getting sick of a face they see five nights a week. YOUR face. It’s the hardest job in all of comedy.
So fuck it, let’s combine them.
A swig of the battery acid flavored energy drink.
Okay, pen to notepad.
If I’m gonna be awake I might as well do something productive.
We open with a relevant quote. White text on a black screen. Transition to interior. Office of Daniel Fitzsimmons.
“The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.”
-Conan O’Brien
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: This is going to be expensive.
Allen nods in response to his manager/agent who is looking at a notepad Allen has covered in barely legible chicken scratch with several crudely drawn diagrams.
ALLEN CHANEY: I mean… gotta spend money to make money.
DANIEL FITZSIMMOMNS: We didn’t get the deposit back on the last studio rental and you started a fire in there. This is considerably more money than that.
ALLEN CHANEY: You can’t prove I started the fire.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: You filmed it. It aired.
We hear a sitcom laugh track.
ALLEN CHANEY: That was an Imposter and I swear that like OJ Simpson I will not REST until that fat handsome arsonist is brought to justice.
Another laugh track and the conversation pauses for the laugh the way totally normal conversations do.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: It would be different if you were pulling in a bunch of money right now.
ALLEN CHANEY: The Bill plushies are still selling like hotcakes! Hey, maybe we should sell hotcakes? Hotcakes with pictures of my cat on them.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: They were initially great but sales eventually tapered off. How are sales of the new shirt going?
ALLEN CHANEY: Oh I uh…
We do a hard cut to Allen standing on a street corner outside of the most recent PWE show with many boxes and a table covered in prints of his terrible WSoW shirt.
ALLEN CHANEY: Two for a dollar. A quarter a piece? Please. Please someone buy them. This is Hell. I’m in Hell. I can feel Satan’s hot breath on my neck as he pounds me with his barbed demon wiener.
The laugh track plays again. Allen finally shrugs and takes a gas can out from behind his merch table and starts dumping the contents all over the shirts on the table, the laughs continuing on through the process before we cut back to Allen and Daniel in Daniel’s office.
ALLEN CHANEY: I think business was starting to pick up until that sexy serial arsonist popped up again. That guy really has it out for me.
Another laugh from the laugh track and Allen takes a deep breath.
ALLEN CHANEY: Okay hang on. I know this was my idea for this but it’s fucking annoying.
Allen stands up and leaves the room, the next shot is of him entering a room where a single man has a soundboard in front of him. Allen snatches the soundboard away from him and slams it down on the ground and stomps on it repeatedly, the occasional recorded laugh being released until finally one last laugh comes out that slows down to a demonic crawl of a laugh that stops as sparks sputter from the soundboard. Allen returns to the office and sits down. There is a long silence.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: Your idea doesn’t really have much to do with the prompt for this video package WSoW is asking for.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’ll shoehorn it in somewhere, this is just what I want to do and if I’m about to crash and burn in this bitch then I wanna go out doing a thing I’ve always wanted to do. This is the thing. Now is the time. I have the power. The children are our future. Subway: Eat Fresh.
Daniel rubs his temples a bit before he finally comes up with a compromise.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: Okay look. I can move some numbers around and we can make this happen but I need you to promise me one thing.
ALLEN CHANEY: Seriously? Of course! Anything.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: I need you to stop setting things on fire when things aren’t going your way. Put your lighter on my desk and leave it.
Allen narrows his gaze at Daniel. The 7 foot tall retired wrestler does not flinch or even blink in response. He simply taps the desk in front of him. Allen sighs and takes out his ‘Smiley’ lighter and puts it on the desk.
ALLEN CHANEY: Fine.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: Good boy. I’ll start making some calls.
ALLEN CHANEY: Seriously though, how much could Conan’s band cost? It’s not like they’re busy.
Daniel writes a number on a post-it from his desk and passes it to Allen. An involuntary noise escapes from Allen’s throat that sounds like something between a gasp, a yelp, and a cough.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’m uh….gonna go see about selling an organ or two, maybe turn a few tricks.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: I may be able to sort out a sponsorship or two to eat some of the costs. I know one of them is VERY interested.
ALLEN CHANEY: Anyone. I’ll shill for fucking anything.
DANIEL FITSZIMMONS: You’ll probably have to. I’ll call you when things are set up.
Allen nods and gets up from the chair and starts walking to the door.
DANIEL FITZSIMMONS: I saw you take the lighter back, Allen.
Daniel taps his desk once more and Allen huffs like a toddler before stomping back over and putting his lighter back on the desk before storming out.
A hard cut. A jazzy intro theme is playing, recognizable as the former intro to ‘Late Night with Conan O’Brien.’
ANNOUNCER: From a reasonable facsimile of NBC Studios in New York…It’s Late Night with Allen Chaney!
We get several shots of New York along with shots of Allen wearing a suit which is an INCREDIBLY rare sight.
ANNOUNCER: With special guest, Pro Wrestler and Comedian Allen Chaney!
Okay so apparently Allen was going to be his own guest. Weird.
ANNOUNCER: And we couldn’t Andy Kindler or Max Weinberg so instead we have Allen’s cat Bill and every other member of the Max Weinberg 7!
The camera cuts to the soundstage which is, in fact, a close replica of the old Late Night set.
ANNOUNCER: And here is your your host… Allen Chaney!
The studio audience applauds and cheers wildly as Allen emerges from the curtain, moving to the rhythm of the music as it speeds up and approaches a climax, the drummer going wild and Allen doing a bit of a hop and landing in time to the music before doing a twirl and pointing at the drummer before finally the song cuts off.
Look he’s doing the thing Conan O’Brien used to do, look it up on fucking Youtube I guess. Allen spent a ton of money on Conan O’Brien Fantasy Camp and now apparently we all have to watch. Allen does a few more little dances and twirls that the drummer plays along to. Allen let’s the applause die down, smiling wide.
ALLEN CHANEY: Wow. Okay….Yeah, that’s all I needed, bye!
Allen pretends to start leaving and the audience cheers and laughs. Allen stops and turns back around.
ALLEN CHANEY: Sounds like some of you might have actually liked that. No, welcome to the show everyone!
The crowd cheers again.
ALLEN CHANEY: Oh, we’ve got a great show for you tonight…I just wanted to start off by apologizing to my guest tonight for the sad state of the food in the green room but I have gotten it taken care of. See I was initially gonna have Vhodka Black on the show but uh…she got here before everybody and ate most of what catering provided and then just left... but it's okay. I've got you guys. Making a five star meal out of Vhodka Black's table scraps after she bails is basically the only reason anyone knows who I am.
This gets a solid laugh. Allen unbuttons the jacket of his suit to reveal the Excellence Championship and shoots the camera wink which gets a few ‘woos’.
ALLEN CHANEY: Alright settle down. Save all the good ‘woos’ for when I get a Guest Buck spot at The Velvet Rabbit. They’re gonna have to reinforce the hell out of that pole. Speaking of The Velvet Rabbit, the hot new holiday item for adults is the Taurus signature dildo. Have you seen this thing? Talk about a stocking stuffer. On the other hand, the worst-selling adult toy is apparently the Signature ‘Lewis Chad-Pinkston’ Enormous Pussy.
Another break for laughter. Last one that’s gonna be written out but they do still keep happening I promise. I wouldn’t lie to you.
ALLEN CHANEY: Folks, we’ll be right back with a special treat for all you fans of year-end awards. Don’t go anywhere.
Anyway, then there’s a commercial for Fazoli’s I’m not going to bother describing and we come back to Allen seated behind his desk.
ALLEN CHANEY: Welcome back folks, here’s a shot of my co-host to guarantee a ratings bump.
We get a shot of Allen’s adorable cat Bill laying on the couch beside the desk. He looks up at Allen and blinks a few times. The crowd goes ‘awwwww’.
ALLEN CHANEY: Alright, now that I have everyone locked in…Everyone has been talking about year-end Lists and Awards. That’s the big controversy going on right now because apparently there can’t ever just NOT be a controversy.
The crowd laughs at this, even Allen taking a moment for a little bit of a chuckle. Okay so I lied to you. I’m still acknowledging laughter when it’s important. I’m the descriptive text and I can do whatever I want. Titties.
ALLEN CHANEY: So I figured I, The Comedian, could give out some of my own awards in a little segment I like to call ‘The Commies’.
The crowd simultaneously laughs and applauds as Allen announces the name of his award show and a logo graphic pops up across the screen. He moves from his desk to stand at a podium just beside it and a monitor lowers to be beside him on the left. There is an award on the podium representing only the ‘Comedy’ half of the infamous Tragedy and Comedy masks only painted yellow and with a fake blood smear to represent Allen’s logo.
ALLEN CHANEY: We should…probably come up with a better name for the award, huh? It doesn't particularly matter as it only exists as a means for me to talk shit on a bunch of people. That being said…
The band strikes up some prestigious and very serious award music.
ALLEN CHANEY: First up we have the ‘Fake Nice Guy’ award going to Raion Kido! You see Raion likes to present himself as a nice and honorable guy who just does silly anime poses. I don’t know if I’ve ever even met the dude in person but I was looking forward to it. I’ve never said an ill word about him which is why it was weird to me when it came time to book our own matches as a fun little exercise and for his show he went out of his way to call me ‘annoying’, booked me in the ‘bronze tier’ of matches and then spelled my name wrong. This is the guy everyone has told me is super nice! It was not a requirement of this show to give the matches ‘tiers’ of importance but he did it anyway because he apparently just wanted people to know he thinks they are inferior. THAT’S WHAT SOCIOPATHS DO. Anyway, the award has to be accepted by his girlfriend to prove that she exists because frankly I don’t buy it. Yeah, you heard me. No one on this planet talks about anime as much as that dude does without drying up every pair of panties in a five mile radius. She’s definitely an anime body pillow.
Allen looks at the trophy and intentionally basks in the laughter dying down into an awkward silence.
ALLEN CHANEY: See the part of this I didn’t think about in rehearsal is that no one is actually here to accept the award so uh, now I just have this awkward transition to…..the next award! This is the award for Worst Business Idea and the award goes to…
Allen holds up an invisible envelope and pretends to open it, then looks shocked at the result.
ALLEN CHANEY: …The Sarah Wolf Day Care Center! Entrust your children to this entirely stable human being! There’s no snakes hidden in the ball pit, it’s just all snakes! Exposed wiring! No batteries in the smoke detectors! Plenty of stuffed animals to play with and by that we mean taxidermied animals! For story time we’re reading ‘Guts’ by Chuck Palahniuk and if you don’t get that reference then PLEASE DON’T GOOGLE IT! We lost some kids! We made up a fun game called ‘Who Can Break The Most Glass’! Building featuring the FINEST lead paint, asbestos insulation, and radon! We will fuck their little minds right up!
A pause as Allen needs a moment to regain his composure.
ALLEN CHANEY: Sorry but if I have to keep thinking about that card then so do the rest of you. Anyway, come accept this award. It’ll be in the offices of Dr. Marcus Howell, a very good Psychiatrist. Maybe stick around and have a chat with him, Sarah. Super nice dude. He might give you pills! Pills are neat!
The monitor beside Allen displays a doctor giving a big thumbs up while holding a bottle of pills.
ALLEN CHANEY: Seriously, don’t google that Chuck Palahniuk story if you don’t know what it is. Our next award is the ‘Not a Cop’ award which goes to…. Peter Vaughn!
A picture pops up next to him of good ol Pete.
ALLEN CHANEY: How the hell is this guy only 30? I’m 35. I’m five years OLDER than this guy and I’d still offer to carry his bags if I saw him at an airport. Pete looks like he’s been through 9 divorces and a World War. I’ve BEEN a janitor. This isn’t just what being a janitor does to you. You don’t have to make any sort of soil-draining pact with a Demon or hook yourself up to the Princess Bride torture machine that steals a year off your life to clock in. A warning to anyone who shares a locker room with this dude, if he comes around asking to buy weed you BOUNCE. I bet he calls it ‘Wacky Tobaccy’ like a grandpa. Anyway, you can come collect your award at the Museum of Natural History so you can be among all the other fossils. I wanna see if you try and get a senior discount. Is that entrapment?
Allen shrugs.
ALLEN CHANEY: Or I can just accept all these awards, yay for me! Awards don't actually matter! Folks, we’ll be right back after this!
Another commercial for Fazoli’s. Where the hell is Fazoli’s getting all this advertising money? We return from commercial to find Allen at his desk with a stack of blue cards.
ALLEN CHANEY: Folks, welcome back… So I mentioned Awards and Lists earlier but only delivered on half of that and you know what? That’s not fair to all of you so guess what folks? I intend to FULLY Deliver. It’s time for THE Top Ten List!
The band plays a nice little ‘Top Ten’ theme as Allen takes out blue cards just like Dave used to have. We get another graphic for this. It’s pretty. Imagine it.
ALLEN CHANEY: I know Top Ten lists were a Letterman thing and guess what? I don’t care! Let’s get into it. It’s the ‘Top Ten Things Overheard at Allen Chaney’s Hall of Fame Acceptance Ceremony!‘.
Allen looks through the cards a bit and pretends to wipe sweat off of his brow.
ALLEN CHANEY: Man, if anything in all of this is gonna get me in trouble it’s absolutely what is on these cards. Are you ready?
The crowd makes the ready noise.
ALLEN CHANEY: Alright, here we go… ‘Number 10! Allen’s speech only started 30 seconds ago and Dane Preston’s already in 14 different twitter fights.’
Allen already has to pause and laugh to himself.
ALLEN CHANEY: Either he doesn’t know what the block button is or he just likes the taste of his own foot.
Allen tosses one of the blue notecards out of the fake window behind him before moving on.
ALLEN CHANEY: ‘Number 9! When someone said there’d be a few fake dicks I thought they’d be doing a promotional thing for Taurus but it turns out they were just telling me the Montuori brothers would be in attendance.’
Allen tosses another note card.
ALLEN CHANEY: Man I really hope that’s the last time I or anyone else talk about that dildo… anyway ‘Number 8! Is ‘Raion Kido’ really just ‘Lion Kid’ being pronounced with a Japanese accent or am I a racist?’
Allen winces and adjusts his collar a little bit as he tosses this card.
ALLEN CHANEY: I was already worried about getting canceled over the ‘Anime Body Pillow’ thing but screw it, I guess. ‘Number 7! Vhodka brought the Cheese Fountain display so if you had any of the fondue you may or may not have a sex disease.’ Hoo boy. Brie, Gruyere, Smegma. It’s all cheese, man.
Allen feigns a dry heave at his own joke before moving on.
ALLEN CHANEY: ‘Number 6. Last time Centurion was part of a crowd this big he was part of the Senate watching Emperor Caesar get stabbed to death.’ Man, that’s probably too smart a joke for this show.
Another card toss, this time accompanied by a glass breaking sound effect.
ALLEN CHANEY: Keeping it going…’Number 5. I’m pretty sure Samantha Voxx wasn’t invited to this but someone didn’t show up and we need a seat filled so screw it.’ Hey, it’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it. Hey, someone try and catch this one.
Allen balls up the blue card and tosses it into the crowd.
ALLEN CHANEY: Ha, fun times… ‘Number 4. Denzel Porter tried psychedelics in the bathroom and apparently the HASHTAG Breaking News is that he’s laying on the ground ranking all of the carpet fibers based on their workrate and title reigns.’ I mean… I’D read that list.
Allen pretends he’s gonna throw another into the crowd but out the window it goes.
ALLEN CHANEY: ‘Number 3. Okay, so we’re all in agreement: If anything goes wrong it is Chris Page’s fault.’ I mean….it seems to work?
Card throw lol.
ALLEN CHANEY: ‘Number 2. There were fewer porn stars and strippers than this at the last award show I went to and it was the AVN awards.’ Like I said I’m still waiting on that Guest Buck spot. I do a hell of a chair dance you just….better have some sturdy chairs. Anyway! The moment you’ve all been waiting for…
A drum roll.
ALLEN CHANEY: The number one thing overheard at the Hall of Fame Ceremony of Allen Chaney… ‘I thought the after party was at the Velvet Rabbit but everyone who made fun of Allen’s weight was invited to a special party at some fountain’.
Laughter and applause.
ALLEN CHANEY: That was our top ten list but come right back folks, we’ve got my guest Allen Chaney right after this! Stick around!
Allen tosses the last blue card at the camera as the band plays him into commercial.
BUY PASTA. AFFORDABLE SWEATY PASTA. FAZOLIS.
We return to Allen at the desk and the band wrapping up as the commercial ends.
ALLEN CHANEY: Welcome back folks, Our first and only guest tonight… he’s a Stand-Up Comedian and Pro Wrestler you can see in Pro Wrestling Excellence and in the World Series of Wrestling…Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Allen Chaney!
Thanks to the magic of editing and green screens, our Host Allen Chaney in his nice suit is joined by Allen Chaney in his street clothes who is met with cheers and applause as the band plays a cover of his entrance theme ‘Shimmy Shimmy Ya’. A pair of Jeans, a PWE ‘Ollie Dorito’ shirt, and a plain black hoodie. Allen waves politely to the crowd and makes his way to the desk, taking a moment to shake hands with himself. That was weird. Allen takes a seat next to Bill on the couch while Allen takes a seat behind the desk. Huh…should probably distinguish between the two.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: Allen, nice to have you.
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: Good to be here… honestly when you invited me I was pretty hesitant.
That’ll work.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: Hesitant? Why hesitant?
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: Oh, I was worried you were gonna have me sing in your car or something dumb like that.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: Yeah, we don’t do that here.
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: I guess I was also worried that with this ‘splitscreen’ bit it’d quickly devolve into us just complimenting each other about how handsome we are.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: You know my instincts initially were gonna take me there and I thought better of it.
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: Yeah, that’s probably for the best. Your co-host is pretty cute, though.
Guest Allen reaches over and gives Bill a little scritch for being so well-behaved and chill in front of this crowd. Allen admittedly felt a little bad for calling him a ‘chaotic little shit’ the day before for yanking the Christmas tree down.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: Let’s get right into it then… Let’s talk about your work in the World Series of Wrestling. You’ve been doing well in the World Series of Wrestling so far, yeah?
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: Yeah! I was at number one for such a long time that they decided to make me DOUBLE number one which is like… TWICE as good as number one.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: Uhm… actually I’m pretty sure you’re now number eleven.
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: Hm? I don’t follow.
The audience catches on and starts laughing as they realize Allen (the guest) is feigning ignorance and denial.
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: Clearly what happened here is that I won so much that they had to invent something above ‘Number One’ so they just doubled up the number. I’m not ranked Eleven. I’m ranked One One. My therapist says if I keep saying that enough times then maybe I’ll stop swearing at my mirror so much.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: Then by all means, you’re Number One One. Right folks?
The crowd applauses and Guest Allen Chaney sarcastically accepts this adulation, standing, bowing, blowing kisses to the crowd. He’s clearly self aware about dropping so many spots so quickly.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: So now that you’ve scored so many points that they had to invent a new number for you, what are your other goals in the World Series of Wrestling and beyond?
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: I don’t know, I guess my biggest goal is to make friends. I mean at the very least so if you keep doing this Talk Show thing you’ll maybe have someone to interview besides yourself.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: It IS very sad!
Both of the Allen’s start laughing. The laugh goes on for way too long and devolves into exaggerated fake crying. Then it stops abruptly. Bill looks very confused. Then he doesn;t care anymore and starts licking himself.
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: No uh…the ‘friends’ thing is that while I’m not super active about it right now I’ve been kinda looking for a tag partner just for shits and giggles. I also… I’ve felt very safe in my own little corner in PWE and I love PWE and I’m convinced we have the best talent in the world but being amongst all this other talent maybe… Maybe Allen Chaney is enough man for a second company? I dunno, I tweeted a few days ago about joining a CULT and no one seems to have taken that bait yet but I’m looking at options. No firm commitment yet but now that the word is out there… I’m…willing to listen to other feds if they’re interested in bringing me in for a fight or two and if that leads to ink on paper… Tight. And if anyone out there is chill with me and looking for a tag partner. Maybe give me a call. I might say yes. I also might say no but like… yeah.
Guest Allen just kinda shrugs, wishing he had maybe worded that more eloquently but he at least wanted to put that out there into the world.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: Kind of a big scoop that you’re looking for more work. You've accomplished a fair amount in this industry and if you keep going it’s possible you’ll be inducted into some kind of Hall of Fame.
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: I dunno about all that..
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: Well as a fun little thought experiment… We have a podium and we were wondering if you could maybe give us a glimpse into the future. What YOU think your Hall of Fame speech might be like.
The crowd applauds at this idea.
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: …Nah, I’m good.
An awkward silence with some chuckles from the audience.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: What if….I offered you a free meal at Fazoli’s.
GUEST ALLEN CHANEY: Then I’ll do it!
Both Allens turn to face directly into the camera and smile wide.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: That check better clear, Fazoli’s!
Guest Allen nods and moves away from the desk to the podium awaiting him and takes a deep breath as all the lights save for a spotlight focused on Allen fade out. Allen takes one deep breath and searches his thoughts for a moment. He promised himself when he did this he’d just speak from the heart, not a lot of planning. Okay.
ALLEN CHANEY: Thank you all very much. I know this is a very Midwestern thing to say but…
A pause. He wants to word this the correct way.
ALLEN CHANEY: I don’t…think I’ve done anything to deserve this and a lot of people are going to groan at that and I know I have a history of it but I promise that isn’t self-deprecation. I have accomplished many things I am proud of and I will put my Excellence Championship directly in the face of anyone to show it. I just…happen to enjoy feeling like I don’t deserve this because what that tells me is that I may never be done or at the very least I am not done yet. It will always feel like there is more to do and that’s….exciting and terrifying. I’ve gone to war with people who are now my close friends but there’s always new friends to make. I’ve bled buckets but there’s still plenty of blood left in me and it’s my call what I do with that blood and I want to leave a little bit of it on as many wrestling rings as possible. I mean at the very least, Jimmy Buffet is still out there with an unkicked ass so I have to get around to taking care of that eventually.
A decent laugh for this callback.
ALLEN CHANEY: A lot of people get into both Professional Wrestling and Stand-Up Comedy with three words in mind and those words are ‘Look At Me’ and it was never about that for me. If you look around you right now at all the other wrestlers here there are a lot of very pretty people and this is not a knock on them but I am NOT pretty. I’m never gonna have washboard abs so long as French Toast and Mozzarella Sticks continue to be the best foods. I was raised by a professional chef, my waistline never stood a chance. My folks weren’t wealthy and I know it’s common for your parents to tell you ‘you can be anything’ but my Mom actually believed that and more importantly when I got down on myself she believed it FOR me when I needed it. My Dad worked hard and didn’t make a ton of money but there was always food on our table and a roof over our heads and he busted his ASS to make sure myself and my two sisters had that.
An applause break for mom and dad.
ALLEN CHANEY: But as I was saying…I didn’t want you all to ‘look at me’. I’m genuinely not a fan of being looked at but…Open Mic Nights were cheaper than therapy. Whether I’m telling jokes or cutting a promo in PWE I speak candidly about my anxiety, my depression, my doubts, my insecurities and even my autism because I know that there are other people who also have that and I want to succeed to show them that they can succeed, too. If the right people actually DO believe that I deserve to have what I’ve done acknowledged in this fashion even if I don’t share that belief… then I guess we can call that success and if you’re a little fat kid watching this at home and you have ever felt any of those things I just talked about then this is YOUR success, too. Trust me, I know what it’s like to not feel like a success.
A deep breath, Allen has been very open about his mental health in the past but not the details of his life.
ALLEN CHANEY: My first four jobs were fry cook, retail, janitor, and doing construction cleanup. I dropped out of Junior college so I could make maybe one tenth of what many would consider a living wage and when I had to make the choice between buying either a bed or a couch for my first apartment since I could only afford one I decided to go with the couch since you can use a couch as a bed but you can’t use a bed as a couch and I slept on that couch for two years. Surviving off of food marked for disposal from my roommates grocery store job and when I was feeling fancy? A 5 dollar Hot and Ready from Little Caesars. I could have been doing better but I was turning down night shifts I probably NEEDED because what I decided I needed more was my nights free to go tell jokes. Then one day I get asked if I wanna be a bouncer… at one of the only comedy clubs in Kansas City. So I take it and I use my presence there to snatch up every bit of stage time they will give me and for a long time? I fucking SUCK…but you always suck at first. Eventually I get…pretty good. I get noticed and now I’m getting booked all over town but someone else noticed me, too. Guy by the name of Johnathan Fitzsimmons, better known to some of you as Johnny Maverick but he doesn’t notice the jokes. What he notices is how well I hurl his drunk ass out of the club one night. I sent that bitch flyin. So he comes back the next day sober with his dad who is my manager to this day and he says ‘Pops, this fat fuck is pretty good at throwing people’ and all of a sudden on top of everything else… I’m a fighter. And uh….I guess that catches you all up. I’ll save the rest for a book or some shit.
Allen takes another breath and a moment to process his thoughts.
ALLEN CHANEY: I looked at both of my jobs and decided to make them into one job. I wanted to be the Carlin of Pro Wrestling. I wanted to be Body Slam Bill Hicks… and initially I took the wrong path to being that, thinking i could just be a sweary dickhead and mock everyone around me…and don’t get me wrong I am still very much a sweary dickhead but that’s not what made either of those dudes special. What made them special was both their personal honesty and their PURSUIT of honesty, honing their wit to weaponize it against the illogical and harmful thoughts that poison this world. So when I step into a wrestling ring and call myself a Comedian it’s not because I get on stage and sling jokes in my free time… It’s because I needed to show all of you what a joke this industry is and I don’t want you to get offended by that. I mean that with not a single ounce of disrespect to what we all do. Pro Wrestling is my FAVORITE joke.
Allen hopes people take that the right way.
ALLEN CHANEY: So if I had one final lesson in Comedy to teach all of you since I’ve decided to wrap that bit up… It’s that you aren’t always going to knock the ball out of the park. There isn’t a Comedian living or dead who hasn’t had at least one bad set. You can’t let one bad set or two destroy you. You need to learn from them. You need to get up and dust yourself off and prove all the Hecklers and Hacks of the world wrong. You hit the notepad and if you can’t make the bit work you dump it and start on a new one. There’s always gonna be someone out there you think is funnier and working harder than you…you can’t look at them. Keep GRINDING. Tighten the set. There’s this old expression that anything worth doing is worth doing right… well I’ve tweaked it a little bit. Anything worth doing is worth doing wrong until you get it right. Sure, I’ve won a few shiny belts and have apparently done enough to get into the Hall of Fame but uh…
Allen looks out at the crowd, knowing that what he has to say next is gonna be hard to live up to. He decides at that moment that he means it enough to say it.
ALLEN CHANEY: It’s on to the next set for me. It’s the Grind until the Grave so long as I can find a microphone or a wrestling ring that will have me and I don’t intend to go out with a whimper. My career isn’t gonna be a shaggy dog story. You best believe when I do make it to that final Punchline that it’s gonna be talked about for ages…and to end on a Bill Hicks quote because of course I was gonna. ‘No one can give you any answers. There aren’t any. You have to discover for yourself. You must learn to navigate the mystery.’ …and I hope you all will join me as we all continue to navigate the mystery. Setup. Punchline. Thank you very much everybody.
Allen steps out from behind the podium as the band begins playing Grammy-Award Winning 1999 Hit Smooth By Santana Feat. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty off of the Multi-Platinum Album ‘Supernatural’ to play him off for this hypothetical Hall of Fame acceptance speech. He walks out into the crowd and gives a few high fives as he leaves, we cut back to Allen at the desk, now holding Bill and giving him pats because he is the goodest little goblin.
HOST ALLEN CHANEY: Hell of a speech. Couldn’t have done it any better myself. Folks! That’s all the time we have for tonight! A special thanks to our guest Allen Chaney. For my co-host Bill and the Max Weinberg Seven-Minus-Max Weinberg I wish you all good night!
The crowd applauds as we fade out on a rushed credits scene and then we cut to black….
…Just kidding, one last Fazoli’s commercial.
Okay, done for real this time.
#SetupPunchline