Allen Chaney Presents: Whose Fight is it Anyway?
Nov 29, 2022 22:03:09 GMT -5
ENIGMA, "Ginger Ninja" Molly Hatchet, and 1 more like this
Post by allenchaney on Nov 29, 2022 22:03:09 GMT -5
Allen Chaney Presents
Whose Fight is it Anyway?
The Show Where Every Match is Made Up and the Promos Don’t Matter
LIVE from the UCB Theater in Los Angeles, CA
This is a show based on Improvisation. The tagline of it is not just a silly reference to the show. The show itself had a game called ‘scenes from a hat’ so I have a literal physical hat right now as I type this and I’ve put the names of 14 competitors in this hat (not 16 because I have a main event in mind) and will be booking these matches completely at random. To top that all off I went completely fucking bonkers with match concepts. Matches that require improvisation, quick wits, use of props, and even full-on audience participation.
As far as segments? Ha. HAHAHAHAHA. Oh this is gonna be fun.
Anyway, here's the theme.
Your very handsome and cool host Allen Chaney introduces the show and the concepts to the audience and gets them nice and warmed up, going so far as to ask a member of the audience for a suggestion of a topic and cutting a humorous promo about it. Getting the audience warmed up and responsive is super important for this first match because this first match is…
Raion Kido Vs. Shawn Warstein
‘Make Some Noise’ Match!
Getting a reaction from the audience is…an intangible. You never know how a crowd will react to something. Well in this match you and your opponent have 30 minutes to do whatever the hell you want to each other but there will be no pinfall or submission or countouts. The only thing determining who will win this match is crowd reaction. My judges will be listening in and determining which of these fighters gets the biggest reaction from the crowd and whoever can elicit the biggest crowd reaction in a 30-minute fight is the winner. Any good performer knows how to work a room and I would like to stress that they are judging REACTION and not just who gets cheered the most. Booing and jeering are just as valid a reaction as cheering and clapping. As far as the draw goes I think the hat made the right choice here. For better or worse you have two people who I think know how to control a crowd. It’ll be interesting to hear the final reaction by the end of this one. Winner of this match will receive several DVD’s an old roommate left at my place. I told him I still have them but he hasn’t come and got them but you just know the moment I give them to the winner he’s gonna call and be like ‘Hey do you have my copy of Boondock Saints?. Fuck you, Frank. It’s been four years. Anyway they win another thing but that happens later.
John Cable and Lex Collins Vs.
Candice Wolf-Page and Regan Voorhees Vs.
Selena Frost and Amber Bane Ryan
Freeze Tag Team Match
‘Freeze’ is a popular improv game where any of the comedians off stage can say FREEZE on the current scene and hop in and take the place of the person in question and then the scene starts again from the same position but with a new performer who has changed the scenario. Well this triple tag match has the exact same rule. Each person in this match has two ‘Freeze Tags’ available to them and may shout ‘FREEZE’ at any point twice during the match. Do you think you can do more damage with a move than the person currently attempting it? FREEZE and do that suplex better than them! Do you think you can take a gnarly powerbomb better than your partner and want them to be able to keep fighting? FREEZE and swap places with them! Did your partner just eat a finisher and get pinned? FREEZE and take their place and kick out! You can also use a FREEZE to tag out your partner OR someone else. They are powerful tools but use them wisely AND if you are frozen and refuse to comply with it, you are disqualified and your partner is alone. Don’t be a dick.
As a side note, when I put all the names in the hat for some reason I put John Cable’s name in it twice and when I drew I actually drew his name to be on both teams and briefly considered just going with it and making it so John Cable was both of their tag partners and just had to help whoever tagged him in. As hilarious as that would have been, I decided against it. Just wanted you to know that was a possibility.
Winners of this match get to pet my cat whenever they want to. Bill is an emotional support animal so this is basically free therapy. Have you seen how much therapy costs? This is an incredibly valuable prize.
In this next segment the winner of Raion Kido Vs. Shawn Warstein will be doing some promotional material to try and sell you all some products. What products? Well he won’t know until he has them in his hands. Having already shown they can work a crowd if they can convince our judge that this (probably useless) product is worth buying then they’ve proven themselves a marketable enough star to get an actual lucrative commercial deal as the media face for the wonderful and entertaining ‘This Is Awesome’ Board Game. We’re talking commercials, print ads, and sweet sweet money going into their pockets for every bit of it.
Sarah Wolf Vs. Xavier Lux
Secret Stipulation
There is only one way to win this match and no one is telling either of the opponents what it is until the final bell rings. Literally only myself and the referee knows how to win this match. Is it by pinfall? Pin your opponent and see if the referee starts counting. If not? Then no. Can you be disqualified? Try picking up a chair and seeing if the referee warns you. First person to fulfill the secret match stipulation is the winner. I think we had a good draw on this one as far as strategy goes.Winner of this match receives a 100 dollar gift card to Victoria's Secret. Get it? Secret. Like the stipulation is a secret and… okay they can’t all be zingers.
Vhodka Black gets a segment to cut what I am calling a ‘Wiki-Promo’ on Allen Chaney BUT Allen has hit ‘random page’ on wikipedia 20 times and out of those 20 has chosen two topics Vhodka must discuss in her promo. Judges will determine who implemented their topics the best and whoever does so will be choosing the stipulation for the main event. We’re prepared for whatever. We got a cage. We got ladders. We got things to hang the belt on above the ring. Whatever the winner picks.
I went ahead and did that wikipedia thing as an example and if we did this right now, Vhodka would have to cut a promo on the Internet in Canada and Handball at the 1996 Summer Olympics. This is made to be really difficult.
Dionysus Vs. Peter Vaughn
'Diminishing Returns' Match
If you don’t know a wristlock from a wristwatch then this ain’t the match for you. This is a match where you’ll be disqualified if you perform or attempt the same wrestling move twice. Yeah, an Irish Whip counts. Yes, this means if you attempt your finisher and miss or have it countered that you can’t try it again. My hope is that this will breed a new level of creativity in the fighters. It’s also possible that in the first thirty seconds we’ll get two side headlocks and this will be a huge disappointing failure. I don’t see you coming up with any fucking ideas. Anyway, I like this draw a lot. I think these two have the right mindset for this match.Also whoever won the green screen challenge earlier? They get one move they are allowed to attempt multiple times. HUGE advantage.
Winner of this match receives $5,000 in nickels. I coulda went with pennies but I’m not THAT big of an asshole.
Another Segment and now it’s Allen's turn to do the Wiki-Promo to get an advantage in the main event. Same rules as Vhodka. I just took a crack at it and if I had to choose two of these topics I’d go with Narcissus of Athens and The Harley-Davidson Museum. Fuck.
Molly Hatchet Vs. Joe Montuori
Hardware Store Sweep
Hey, do you guys remember Supermarket Sweep? That show was pretty cool. Okay, but like imagine each of the contestants are given one shopping cart and two minutes to load whatever they want into the cart but they ain’t shopping for groceries! No, they’re in a freaking hardware store! Well they’re in a fully stocked set that is a very accurate approximation of one. This show was fucking expensive, guys.Anyway, they have two minutes to load up and make it back to the ring and so long as they make it back? They can use whatever they want from their cart.
If one fighter doesn’t make it back in that two minutes and their opponent does? Well they’ll have exactly zero weapons at their disposal and will be what we in the business refer to as ‘fucked’. From what I’ve seen Molly is crazy as shit. I think seeing her take a shovel to Joe Montuori would be hilarious. I am in therapy, by the way.
Also whoever won the green screen challenge gets to pick someone else booked on this show who can take things out of their opponents cart in the two minute dash.
Winner of this match receives an all-expenses paid dinner for two at the nearest Fazoli’s to the arena. We may or may not have accepted sponsorship money. Fazoli’s! For when you think Olive Garden is too ‘fancy’.
Next segment is a commercial for Fazoli’s. Okay, yes. They gave us money. If we don’t sell this show out I’m fucking broke. Fazoli’s! Unlimited Breadsticks! Affordable! We’ll put Pepperoni on fucking anything! Enjoy a mostly cooked Chicken Parm!
'The Comedian' Allen Chaney Vs. Vhodka Black
EXCELLENCE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Special Guest Referee DAMIAN AYLA
Special Guest Referee DAMIAN AYLA
Hey, if you don’t like me being in the main event then book your own fucking show that you sink a lot of money and effort into. Alternatively you could consider taking an hour or two out of your day to find and kiss the fattest part of my ass.
Anyway, this match had to happen and the moment I had the chance to make it happen I took it. I’ve wanted this fight for a long time. The WORLD wants to see this fight. With the first ever Excellence Champion as the referee and the winner of the Wiki-promo battle having chosen the stipulation, this one is gonna get crazy. Allen won the Excellence Championship without having beaten Vhodka, the previous champion. Vhodka surrendered this championship without a successful defense so both of them have something to prove here and we are two people who are dangerous when we have something to prove.
In addition to the Excellence Championship, the winner of this match gets 24-hour access to the losers twitter account to tweet whatever they want. Imagine the possibilities here. You could get the other person canceled. You could mock Melon Husk hard enough that their account gets banned because the man has thinner skin than a pudding cup you left open for five minutes.
So yeah, that’s my show. That’s definitely all that happens on the show. At the very end all of the competitors will be out to celebrate having such a good show wearing their finest formal attire and what better way to celebrate than with punch and pie? Just all of our competitors in their finest attire in front of table after table of pie.
Be a damn shame if someone threw one of those pies and a big pie fight broke out, Three Stooges style.
That definitely won't happen.
Not at all.