Post by Harvey Marx on Nov 20, 2022 21:41:51 GMT -5
Big Ticket Studios
Chicago
Leonora Albright Osborne is reviewing final casting choices for the southpaw's suitcase when her receptionist burst through the door turning on the TV
TV anchor: Embattled Big Ticket Entertainment CEO Sheldon Osborne faces a vote of no confidence today. Moments ago, an unlikely supporter made an unconventional plea on his behalf.
Broadcast cuts to Holden Ross in front of reporters in a large marijuana field
Ross: Mr. Osborne isn't perfect, but he's always been a great guy to me. No one should lose their job in this economy at this time of year. These business types need to reminded of that
Anchor: There has been a massive outpouring of public support for Osborne just hours before-
Leo turns off the TV. Her plan to remove Osborne was nearly perfect. She smiles. Oz hasn't managed to outmaneuver her in a long time.
Leo: Cancel the vote and send marx with the good news.
**
Marx: How did you do it?
Oz: I didn't do anything. I just bought him a few suits and some Sky boxes. How was I supposed to know he would take time out from getting run over by forklifts loaded with beehives and play politics? You could have texted me about the vote. Why did you come here in person?
It's about the competition.
You're asking ME for advice?
Not exactly
You really think you can't get the better of a bunch of mouth breathers in spandex? After all …you beat me.
I had a little help from your ex-wife.
Timing is everything. And there's nothing wrong with taking advantage of a situation. You have done well for BTE in the competition. But this round should be yours. You're not the underdog here, Harlan. You've already done this before.
Marx decides to let the use of his given name slide. Interrupting Sheldon won't shut him up any faster.
Oz: You didn't go after me or my men to topple me. You went after my image and you went after the public. You made yourself so likable on camera I couldn't make a move you didn't approve of. Same idea here. This is not a wrestling competition. This is reality TV. This is gladiatorial combat in the media. Nobody in the field can stand in there with you.
Marx hates when Osborne is right. He'll never give him the satisfaction of saying so.
Oz: I respect what you did years ago, when I offered you my empire.
You offered me the chance to be a paper champion and a lap dog. Frank would have been nothing but your coffee runner.
I never touch the stuff, it's....Dirt water! And You still work for me.
Marx: On paper, maybe.
Oz: Where was I?
Marx: I don't care.
Oh yes, sharing the episode with the others should be no problem.
I know. I’ll just have to give them something they'll never want to edit down to twelve minutes. I didn't come here for your advice, Oz. I came here to be reminded of what's important.
You don't want to win that SUV?
Of course I do. That thing is like the belt I never had a chance to win and I'll do my best. Some things just matter more.
Without saying goodbye Marx turns to walk away, taking out his cell phone.
I have to leave for London soon Frank. I need garment bag 44 sent ahead of me.
Frank: I’m… I'm sorry Mr Marx did you say 44? Isn't that the…
Marx :Yes it is! The vote is off, but tell Miss Albright I need tonight's press conference to proceed on schedule.
**
What did I ask for, Phil? …That's right, a Dane Preston type. Oh, I know you sent a candidate, but last year's toothpaste infomercial called and wanted him back….yes, I know he was the sexiest man alive. What nobody wants to say is that 47% of those who voted thought he was Dane Preston! I’m going prime time, Phil. Is he going to help me do that? Tell me again what it is about that bitch Chris Harmsworth that says “high octane” to you? ... … Oh, come on ! Are you his agent or his mom? Look, Phil, I’ve got to complete with the UFC and now the new LFL in the time slot. I need heavyweight talent! I know I already have Harvey Marx, that's my point. I need people who deserve to share the stage with him! I have to go, Phil. I have a show to cast, sponsors and viewers to wow, and a car to win. Yes, Phil I know can't drive. I’ll call Chris Hemsworth, I hear he really needs the work!
Leonora ends the call and switches to line 2
Big Ticket Entertainment...I’m sorry who are you again? … Oh, case seven from the Splat shoot…well, I can offer you a bag of frozen broccoli for the swelling. Otherwise we have nothing to discuss…you want more? That's not going to happen. My first offer is always my best I never change the terms of the deal… I don’t know if you are threatening me or flirting with me here. I have been threatened by psychopaths and senators. This is nothing but a little Tuesday morning chat between friends.
The Voice on the line is screaming now. Leonora smiles. Oh, is that so? Or you'll what? … ….You'll tell Marx? Ha! Do it! You really think he 'll care WHY a worldwide audience saw him knock out a total prick? Marx puts audience over ego, try it sometime. You’re wasting my time. If you need another gig, I know an agent named Phil. He’s a real sweetheart.
Leo hangs up and moves down a hallway into a spacious elevator She sends the elevator to the fourth floor, waiting a moment before hitting the emergency stop. press this button on her control box. Her wheelchairs seating system begins to tilt back slowly. Her shoulders ease back with the help of gravity. This is one of the few moments today her body won't have to fight it.
Pressure management is important for long days in the chair. Still sponsors and VIPs expect strong eye contact and some find the changing of her seat angle distracting. There's no room for struggle to hold herself up when she is holding up Big Ticket Entertainment. She puts her lap belt back on before bringing herself back to driving position and restarting the elevator. Frank has been waiting for the door to open.
Frank: we've got a problem. I got shipped a few dozen boxes of these instead of the fabrics I ordered for costumes.
Frank frowns and holds up a tshirt that says “Cypher is Poggers"
I figure we can donate them to shelters, but that doesn't help my supply problem. I have 13 models and nothing to put on them and I can't find the shipment.
Leo: You won't find it. Cypher’s lady robot is smarter than he is. I’m going to love seeing that come back to bite him in the ass when he gets out of prison You said 13. You have someone's costume done?
Frank: Lissie Hope was here a few days ago. I started working on her look before she even signed a contract. she's been doing a lot of soul searching lately.
That’s one way to describe Hope's recent shifts to reality TV. For her part, Leo is thrilled to have a wrestler with such a pedigree sign on for the southpaw's suitcase. Signing the Toronto Frost’s starting linebacker just as she gets set for celebrity Big Brother means more eyeballs on the show.
Was that all she was here for?
Frank: Dr. Albright! You know better than to pry.
Leo: Had to try. We're in the business of Storytelling. Doesn't get much better than a knockout reality star trying to reconnect with the brother she lost. Well, the wardrobe problem is going to have to wait for Mr. Marx. Let's just hope he's having a better day than we are. If I could just have one minute to re-
Heavy footfalls down the hall harald the arrival of a nervous intern struggling to catch his breath. Yet another intern has taken the stairs all the way down from boris's Studio in a panic looking for help.
Intern: He is refusing to wear the merchandise, ma'am.
Leonora is ruined men for calling her ma'am, but besides it is too early in the morning to get this kid what you deserves.
Instead she switches the channel on the lobby TV screen to check on the recording studio. Instead of the sound of a saxophone you know what is treated to a torrent of Russian curses. If marks were here she would not bother asking him to translate. She rolls her eyes and enters the elevator.
Boris: why should I wear that?
Staffer: It's the new company t-shirt. For marketing I guess.
What is better for marketing? This?
Boris shakes the new Big Ticket entertainment shirt in his fist.
Or this!
*Boris gestures to himself as if presenting the goods. He is shirtless and wearing purple skinny jeans. His perm is magnificent and the hairs on his face and chest are equally perfect.*
Is the big man back from London? No? Get me redhead boss lady, then! Someone Boris can talk sense to!
Elevator doors open just in time for Leo to hear her nickname.
Leo: what's wrong, sax man?
Boris: they say I have to wear…that! The energy is wrong! You brought Boris to a new universe, new fans. And now you want to put this between the people and Boris? No! It's the holiday! Time to connect, to understand! Why should Boris be unhappy? People need to come together. They need this!
* Boris indicates his saxophone. Leo is happy he’s not pointing to a different instrument. *
Intern: people can't get laid without you?
Get lucky without Boris, it is just mechanical, get lucky with Boris, it is magical! Everyone knows this except new guy!
Staff from all over big ticket Studios began to file in. Bets were placed in the shouting and chaos. Some for Team Shirt, others for Team Boris. Even without Harvey to give the tale of the tape, the room is enjoying the sax man's ranting at Leo and the intern. Cameras and microphones are already on. It’s all part of the process when a fight promotor is the face of a multimedia company. No one notices Griffin Hawkins enter the room with a guitar case and a confident stride. He checks equipment, takes Norma Jean out of her case and begins to tune. Whistling to himself he picks up the BTE logo shirt off the ground put the shirt up on the back wall of Boris’s Booth with thumbtacks. The room goes silent and Boris grins at Hawkins.
Boris: my friend is here! Leave the artists to their work!
The staff scatter like giggling ants and the intro beat to Lily Was Here" begins. Boris nods to Griffin and the first four notes of their electric reinterpretation ring out from Norma Jean like a horny angel. The entire session will be filmed in black and white with only the instruments colorized. The scene is all hips, hair, and harmony as Boris’s sax answers. The track will make a great stocking stuffer. Leo will have to fire the intern to keep Boris happy. She smiles and touches the spider web pendant around her neck. Chad will be a small price to pay for a huge hit. Leo is just beginning to enjoy a little holiday cheer when her receptionist calls her urgently.
Miss Albright…The entire prize vault is empty!
London
A nervous film crew stands around a half empty catering table checking the time on their phones.
Director: I told you to turn the radio off Mike!
I did.
Then why do I hear bells?
*Shrug*
Great I'm 2 hours behind schedule, the talent is nowhere in sight, and now I'm hearing things! 400 pound idiot… he's probably off at the Velvet Rabbit getting… WHY DO I HEAR BELLS?!
Mike: wait I think I hear them too!
Marx: Now that's the spirit!
* crew turns around to see Harvey in a Santa suit complete with beard, white gloves, with bells on the boots and belt. He is carrying a huge sack over his shoulder that looks to weigh almost as much as he does.
Director: What the hell are you wearing?
Somebody put this guy on the naughty list!
Director: what about the script? It's nonsense without the tools and if you're not wearing the coveralls!
A tool in coveralls? Hey if you think this commercial can wait another few days for Peter Vaughan to get out here, call him. No? Then I'll wing it. ‘tis the season!
THERE'S MY GIRL!
*On a raised soundstage under the lights rests the 2023 Kayfabe Airlines AXTGRIFF*
**
WSOW/AXTGRIF
Take one
Ho Ho Harvey Marx here with a message from This is Awesome promotions! The World Series of wrestling is an unprecedented Cutting Edge competition find the greatest wrestler in the industry. Join us this week for a competition within the competition. That's right folks we're not waiting till the end to give away fabulous prizes! This sexy Santa is sitting in the world's first SpaceTime utility vehicle. It's a heavyweight brawler with style, power and a statement to make. Yes, I'm still talking about the car. AXTGRIFF is German for ax handle. Who's going to win this hard-hitting high flying Smash? The Big Ticket has places to be, but YOU better watch the world series on Splat TV!
CUT!
I would keep rolling if I were you. But you might want to stand back. Been awhile since I opened a wormhole.
Director: You can't drive that thing, you are a contestant! it's against the rules.
I’m an official Kayfabe Airlines spokesperson. Call it a product demonstration. I'll have it back before you know what happened. Literally. Time machine. Try not to think about it.
Harvey presses a button and the camera's microphone cuts out as a wormhole opens and the Axtgriff flies into it
**
Harvey's first stop was Alabama that night
Where he picked up Atticus for a Magical flight
They jumped into the future, to Christmas Eve
And they gave away blankets to people in need.
Hovered over cities, landed on roofs, with bigass tires, not reindeer hooves.
They read to kids in hospitals every uplifting story, they gave a lot of money to new dad Joe Montuori.
Marx has no elves for a labor force, so in his sack were all the prizes meant for game shows of course.
Tickets to the LFL rained down from the sky, with seasons greetings as the Axtgriff flew by. Marx is a pitchman, selling every day.
That night he made like Oprah and gave it all away.
There was a stop to play trivia with Madrid's police and firefighters
And Atticus visited nurses who can never be tired
They gave time, toys and joy to people near and far away and saluted all those who can't take a holiday.
They went to a cabin in the woods with no one around
Somewhere only one old man could be found. They left many gifts and got a big surprise, because who knew centurion was only forty five?
There were other things, but none of those you'll believe, when a tv host and superstar pig borrowed a truck on Christmas eve.
No one knows what happened after, not where or when the truck was left.
Lawyers won't let Harvey Marx talk yet. We now return the Big Ticket to normal space and time, moments before a press conference. So sorry that won't rhyme.
**
Big Ticket Studios
Chicago
Leo: I've got dozens of reporters on the Sucker Punch Live set and I have no idea what we're going to say to them.
Marx: You're not going to say anything to them because you're exhausted.
How do you figure I’m tired?
I've worked with you for 2 years. Your voice is weak, your posture is failing and you still haven't asked “ why the hell are you wearing a Santa suit Marx?” Thanks for keeping this place together while I've been working on this plan. I’ll handle the press.
What happened in London?
You'll find out on the Splat TV soon. I took a handheld camera with me. And you'll find out again on Christmas Eve.
Leo smiles. She tries not to think about time travel.
I know you've got plenty of extra cameras in there, so you won't miss anything while you rest. SHOWTIME!
Marx pushes the curtain aside and is greeted by a wall of flashbulbs. Studio lights green off the Bells on his Santa suit as he sits down on the big boxing glove couch
Harvey, why are you wearing that?
It's the holiday season and I am a very eccentric television personality.
There are reports that some of your fellow contestants in the World Series have signed on for your upcoming game show. Why work with people trying to beat you?
The name of the company's Big Ticket Entertainment, not Big Ticket wrestling. We focus on bringing you the biggest stars in the industry. Lissie Hope, Tony Savage, and Todrick Tabor-Ramsey are just some of the names who will be joining me on the stage for the Southpaw's Suitcase.
What are you thankful for and why do you deserve to win the new SUV?
I want to touch on the first thing before I get to the car. At this very moment while a bunch of Divas are trying to convince you they need new wheels, millions of people are struggling without basic necessities. I can't reflect on the blessings in my life without challenging all of you to consider those less fortunate this season. Whether it is with money, time or your talents, there are many ways to put holiday spirit into action. I'm here to announce The Southpaw’s Suitcase won’t premiere until 2023 as I have donated the entire prize inventory and all cash earmarked for the show to people in need. I am thankful for my amazing crew and for the successes that enabled me to make that contribution.
Now I’ll Focus all of my attention on winning the AXTGRIFF
I deserve to win this car because I have spent months pushing promos and selling t shirts for dozens of other wrestlers. I'm sure they will appreciate my efforts to improve their retirement accounts, and I’ll feel a lot less guilty about taking years off their careers if they get in my way. I'm not afraid to say what all of you have been writing all along. I have no belts to my credit and I'm a retired fighter in a field of up and comers, Headliners champions, and legends. And that's fine. Their accolades only prove that their backs will be strong enough for this 400-pounder to climb over on the way to the top. It's not good enough to sell this SUV. I want to win it.
I left behind my home universe to complete in the world series and that machine is the only thing that could get me back there. I won't lie, it is also on brand for me. Most of the others in the competition probably can't use the Axtgriff without a booster seat. Why shouldn't The Big Ticket have big wheels.
There is also the simple matter of safety. Very few competitors here are experienced interdimensional Travelers like I am. Sarah wolf and Alan Cheney are incredible talents, but do they really seem like the type to read an owner's manual? Being the best fighter is one thing, but that won't matter if the winner strands a few billion people in the stone age trying to take a shortcut to white castle!
There aren't a lot of gameshow metaphors here, and I’d hate to disappoint. If I asked 100 people in a mall who should win that thing, I might find names like Dane Preston and Vhodka Black at the top of the survey. I’d strike out looking for myself on my own show. If you put my name on a puzzle board, you'll need to buy a lot vowels to spell it, so Harvey Marx won out.
What does this have to do with winning a car? If you guessed “absolutely nothing” you are today's winner. I didn't get to this point being the person I'm expected to be. I didn't get here as a gameshow host, a promotor, or a fighter. I got here by becoming your Big Ticket to what you never thought possible. That's how I'm going to win that car. You'll see what I mean in a few days.
And again in a few more.
Try not to think about it.
Chicago
Leonora Albright Osborne is reviewing final casting choices for the southpaw's suitcase when her receptionist burst through the door turning on the TV
TV anchor: Embattled Big Ticket Entertainment CEO Sheldon Osborne faces a vote of no confidence today. Moments ago, an unlikely supporter made an unconventional plea on his behalf.
Broadcast cuts to Holden Ross in front of reporters in a large marijuana field
Ross: Mr. Osborne isn't perfect, but he's always been a great guy to me. No one should lose their job in this economy at this time of year. These business types need to reminded of that
Anchor: There has been a massive outpouring of public support for Osborne just hours before-
Leo turns off the TV. Her plan to remove Osborne was nearly perfect. She smiles. Oz hasn't managed to outmaneuver her in a long time.
Leo: Cancel the vote and send marx with the good news.
**
Marx: How did you do it?
Oz: I didn't do anything. I just bought him a few suits and some Sky boxes. How was I supposed to know he would take time out from getting run over by forklifts loaded with beehives and play politics? You could have texted me about the vote. Why did you come here in person?
It's about the competition.
You're asking ME for advice?
Not exactly
You really think you can't get the better of a bunch of mouth breathers in spandex? After all …you beat me.
I had a little help from your ex-wife.
Timing is everything. And there's nothing wrong with taking advantage of a situation. You have done well for BTE in the competition. But this round should be yours. You're not the underdog here, Harlan. You've already done this before.
Marx decides to let the use of his given name slide. Interrupting Sheldon won't shut him up any faster.
Oz: You didn't go after me or my men to topple me. You went after my image and you went after the public. You made yourself so likable on camera I couldn't make a move you didn't approve of. Same idea here. This is not a wrestling competition. This is reality TV. This is gladiatorial combat in the media. Nobody in the field can stand in there with you.
Marx hates when Osborne is right. He'll never give him the satisfaction of saying so.
Oz: I respect what you did years ago, when I offered you my empire.
You offered me the chance to be a paper champion and a lap dog. Frank would have been nothing but your coffee runner.
I never touch the stuff, it's....Dirt water! And You still work for me.
Marx: On paper, maybe.
Oz: Where was I?
Marx: I don't care.
Oh yes, sharing the episode with the others should be no problem.
I know. I’ll just have to give them something they'll never want to edit down to twelve minutes. I didn't come here for your advice, Oz. I came here to be reminded of what's important.
You don't want to win that SUV?
Of course I do. That thing is like the belt I never had a chance to win and I'll do my best. Some things just matter more.
Without saying goodbye Marx turns to walk away, taking out his cell phone.
I have to leave for London soon Frank. I need garment bag 44 sent ahead of me.
Frank: I’m… I'm sorry Mr Marx did you say 44? Isn't that the…
Marx :Yes it is! The vote is off, but tell Miss Albright I need tonight's press conference to proceed on schedule.
**
What did I ask for, Phil? …That's right, a Dane Preston type. Oh, I know you sent a candidate, but last year's toothpaste infomercial called and wanted him back….yes, I know he was the sexiest man alive. What nobody wants to say is that 47% of those who voted thought he was Dane Preston! I’m going prime time, Phil. Is he going to help me do that? Tell me again what it is about that bitch Chris Harmsworth that says “high octane” to you? ... … Oh, come on ! Are you his agent or his mom? Look, Phil, I’ve got to complete with the UFC and now the new LFL in the time slot. I need heavyweight talent! I know I already have Harvey Marx, that's my point. I need people who deserve to share the stage with him! I have to go, Phil. I have a show to cast, sponsors and viewers to wow, and a car to win. Yes, Phil I know can't drive. I’ll call Chris Hemsworth, I hear he really needs the work!
Leonora ends the call and switches to line 2
Big Ticket Entertainment...I’m sorry who are you again? … Oh, case seven from the Splat shoot…well, I can offer you a bag of frozen broccoli for the swelling. Otherwise we have nothing to discuss…you want more? That's not going to happen. My first offer is always my best I never change the terms of the deal… I don’t know if you are threatening me or flirting with me here. I have been threatened by psychopaths and senators. This is nothing but a little Tuesday morning chat between friends.
The Voice on the line is screaming now. Leonora smiles. Oh, is that so? Or you'll what? … ….You'll tell Marx? Ha! Do it! You really think he 'll care WHY a worldwide audience saw him knock out a total prick? Marx puts audience over ego, try it sometime. You’re wasting my time. If you need another gig, I know an agent named Phil. He’s a real sweetheart.
Leo hangs up and moves down a hallway into a spacious elevator She sends the elevator to the fourth floor, waiting a moment before hitting the emergency stop. press this button on her control box. Her wheelchairs seating system begins to tilt back slowly. Her shoulders ease back with the help of gravity. This is one of the few moments today her body won't have to fight it.
Pressure management is important for long days in the chair. Still sponsors and VIPs expect strong eye contact and some find the changing of her seat angle distracting. There's no room for struggle to hold herself up when she is holding up Big Ticket Entertainment. She puts her lap belt back on before bringing herself back to driving position and restarting the elevator. Frank has been waiting for the door to open.
Frank: we've got a problem. I got shipped a few dozen boxes of these instead of the fabrics I ordered for costumes.
Frank frowns and holds up a tshirt that says “Cypher is Poggers"
I figure we can donate them to shelters, but that doesn't help my supply problem. I have 13 models and nothing to put on them and I can't find the shipment.
Leo: You won't find it. Cypher’s lady robot is smarter than he is. I’m going to love seeing that come back to bite him in the ass when he gets out of prison You said 13. You have someone's costume done?
Frank: Lissie Hope was here a few days ago. I started working on her look before she even signed a contract. she's been doing a lot of soul searching lately.
That’s one way to describe Hope's recent shifts to reality TV. For her part, Leo is thrilled to have a wrestler with such a pedigree sign on for the southpaw's suitcase. Signing the Toronto Frost’s starting linebacker just as she gets set for celebrity Big Brother means more eyeballs on the show.
Was that all she was here for?
Frank: Dr. Albright! You know better than to pry.
Leo: Had to try. We're in the business of Storytelling. Doesn't get much better than a knockout reality star trying to reconnect with the brother she lost. Well, the wardrobe problem is going to have to wait for Mr. Marx. Let's just hope he's having a better day than we are. If I could just have one minute to re-
Heavy footfalls down the hall harald the arrival of a nervous intern struggling to catch his breath. Yet another intern has taken the stairs all the way down from boris's Studio in a panic looking for help.
Intern: He is refusing to wear the merchandise, ma'am.
Leonora is ruined men for calling her ma'am, but besides it is too early in the morning to get this kid what you deserves.
Instead she switches the channel on the lobby TV screen to check on the recording studio. Instead of the sound of a saxophone you know what is treated to a torrent of Russian curses. If marks were here she would not bother asking him to translate. She rolls her eyes and enters the elevator.
Boris: why should I wear that?
Staffer: It's the new company t-shirt. For marketing I guess.
What is better for marketing? This?
Boris shakes the new Big Ticket entertainment shirt in his fist.
Or this!
*Boris gestures to himself as if presenting the goods. He is shirtless and wearing purple skinny jeans. His perm is magnificent and the hairs on his face and chest are equally perfect.*
Is the big man back from London? No? Get me redhead boss lady, then! Someone Boris can talk sense to!
Elevator doors open just in time for Leo to hear her nickname.
Leo: what's wrong, sax man?
Boris: they say I have to wear…that! The energy is wrong! You brought Boris to a new universe, new fans. And now you want to put this between the people and Boris? No! It's the holiday! Time to connect, to understand! Why should Boris be unhappy? People need to come together. They need this!
* Boris indicates his saxophone. Leo is happy he’s not pointing to a different instrument. *
Intern: people can't get laid without you?
Get lucky without Boris, it is just mechanical, get lucky with Boris, it is magical! Everyone knows this except new guy!
Staff from all over big ticket Studios began to file in. Bets were placed in the shouting and chaos. Some for Team Shirt, others for Team Boris. Even without Harvey to give the tale of the tape, the room is enjoying the sax man's ranting at Leo and the intern. Cameras and microphones are already on. It’s all part of the process when a fight promotor is the face of a multimedia company. No one notices Griffin Hawkins enter the room with a guitar case and a confident stride. He checks equipment, takes Norma Jean out of her case and begins to tune. Whistling to himself he picks up the BTE logo shirt off the ground put the shirt up on the back wall of Boris’s Booth with thumbtacks. The room goes silent and Boris grins at Hawkins.
Boris: my friend is here! Leave the artists to their work!
The staff scatter like giggling ants and the intro beat to Lily Was Here" begins. Boris nods to Griffin and the first four notes of their electric reinterpretation ring out from Norma Jean like a horny angel. The entire session will be filmed in black and white with only the instruments colorized. The scene is all hips, hair, and harmony as Boris’s sax answers. The track will make a great stocking stuffer. Leo will have to fire the intern to keep Boris happy. She smiles and touches the spider web pendant around her neck. Chad will be a small price to pay for a huge hit. Leo is just beginning to enjoy a little holiday cheer when her receptionist calls her urgently.
Miss Albright…The entire prize vault is empty!
London
A nervous film crew stands around a half empty catering table checking the time on their phones.
Director: I told you to turn the radio off Mike!
I did.
Then why do I hear bells?
*Shrug*
Great I'm 2 hours behind schedule, the talent is nowhere in sight, and now I'm hearing things! 400 pound idiot… he's probably off at the Velvet Rabbit getting… WHY DO I HEAR BELLS?!
Mike: wait I think I hear them too!
Marx: Now that's the spirit!
* crew turns around to see Harvey in a Santa suit complete with beard, white gloves, with bells on the boots and belt. He is carrying a huge sack over his shoulder that looks to weigh almost as much as he does.
Director: What the hell are you wearing?
Somebody put this guy on the naughty list!
Director: what about the script? It's nonsense without the tools and if you're not wearing the coveralls!
A tool in coveralls? Hey if you think this commercial can wait another few days for Peter Vaughan to get out here, call him. No? Then I'll wing it. ‘tis the season!
THERE'S MY GIRL!
*On a raised soundstage under the lights rests the 2023 Kayfabe Airlines AXTGRIFF*
**
WSOW/AXTGRIF
Take one
Ho Ho Harvey Marx here with a message from This is Awesome promotions! The World Series of wrestling is an unprecedented Cutting Edge competition find the greatest wrestler in the industry. Join us this week for a competition within the competition. That's right folks we're not waiting till the end to give away fabulous prizes! This sexy Santa is sitting in the world's first SpaceTime utility vehicle. It's a heavyweight brawler with style, power and a statement to make. Yes, I'm still talking about the car. AXTGRIFF is German for ax handle. Who's going to win this hard-hitting high flying Smash? The Big Ticket has places to be, but YOU better watch the world series on Splat TV!
CUT!
I would keep rolling if I were you. But you might want to stand back. Been awhile since I opened a wormhole.
Director: You can't drive that thing, you are a contestant! it's against the rules.
I’m an official Kayfabe Airlines spokesperson. Call it a product demonstration. I'll have it back before you know what happened. Literally. Time machine. Try not to think about it.
Harvey presses a button and the camera's microphone cuts out as a wormhole opens and the Axtgriff flies into it
**
Harvey's first stop was Alabama that night
Where he picked up Atticus for a Magical flight
They jumped into the future, to Christmas Eve
And they gave away blankets to people in need.
Hovered over cities, landed on roofs, with bigass tires, not reindeer hooves.
They read to kids in hospitals every uplifting story, they gave a lot of money to new dad Joe Montuori.
Marx has no elves for a labor force, so in his sack were all the prizes meant for game shows of course.
Tickets to the LFL rained down from the sky, with seasons greetings as the Axtgriff flew by. Marx is a pitchman, selling every day.
That night he made like Oprah and gave it all away.
There was a stop to play trivia with Madrid's police and firefighters
And Atticus visited nurses who can never be tired
They gave time, toys and joy to people near and far away and saluted all those who can't take a holiday.
They went to a cabin in the woods with no one around
Somewhere only one old man could be found. They left many gifts and got a big surprise, because who knew centurion was only forty five?
There were other things, but none of those you'll believe, when a tv host and superstar pig borrowed a truck on Christmas eve.
No one knows what happened after, not where or when the truck was left.
Lawyers won't let Harvey Marx talk yet. We now return the Big Ticket to normal space and time, moments before a press conference. So sorry that won't rhyme.
**
Big Ticket Studios
Chicago
Leo: I've got dozens of reporters on the Sucker Punch Live set and I have no idea what we're going to say to them.
Marx: You're not going to say anything to them because you're exhausted.
How do you figure I’m tired?
I've worked with you for 2 years. Your voice is weak, your posture is failing and you still haven't asked “ why the hell are you wearing a Santa suit Marx?” Thanks for keeping this place together while I've been working on this plan. I’ll handle the press.
What happened in London?
You'll find out on the Splat TV soon. I took a handheld camera with me. And you'll find out again on Christmas Eve.
Leo smiles. She tries not to think about time travel.
I know you've got plenty of extra cameras in there, so you won't miss anything while you rest. SHOWTIME!
Marx pushes the curtain aside and is greeted by a wall of flashbulbs. Studio lights green off the Bells on his Santa suit as he sits down on the big boxing glove couch
Harvey, why are you wearing that?
It's the holiday season and I am a very eccentric television personality.
There are reports that some of your fellow contestants in the World Series have signed on for your upcoming game show. Why work with people trying to beat you?
The name of the company's Big Ticket Entertainment, not Big Ticket wrestling. We focus on bringing you the biggest stars in the industry. Lissie Hope, Tony Savage, and Todrick Tabor-Ramsey are just some of the names who will be joining me on the stage for the Southpaw's Suitcase.
What are you thankful for and why do you deserve to win the new SUV?
I want to touch on the first thing before I get to the car. At this very moment while a bunch of Divas are trying to convince you they need new wheels, millions of people are struggling without basic necessities. I can't reflect on the blessings in my life without challenging all of you to consider those less fortunate this season. Whether it is with money, time or your talents, there are many ways to put holiday spirit into action. I'm here to announce The Southpaw’s Suitcase won’t premiere until 2023 as I have donated the entire prize inventory and all cash earmarked for the show to people in need. I am thankful for my amazing crew and for the successes that enabled me to make that contribution.
Now I’ll Focus all of my attention on winning the AXTGRIFF
I deserve to win this car because I have spent months pushing promos and selling t shirts for dozens of other wrestlers. I'm sure they will appreciate my efforts to improve their retirement accounts, and I’ll feel a lot less guilty about taking years off their careers if they get in my way. I'm not afraid to say what all of you have been writing all along. I have no belts to my credit and I'm a retired fighter in a field of up and comers, Headliners champions, and legends. And that's fine. Their accolades only prove that their backs will be strong enough for this 400-pounder to climb over on the way to the top. It's not good enough to sell this SUV. I want to win it.
I left behind my home universe to complete in the world series and that machine is the only thing that could get me back there. I won't lie, it is also on brand for me. Most of the others in the competition probably can't use the Axtgriff without a booster seat. Why shouldn't The Big Ticket have big wheels.
There is also the simple matter of safety. Very few competitors here are experienced interdimensional Travelers like I am. Sarah wolf and Alan Cheney are incredible talents, but do they really seem like the type to read an owner's manual? Being the best fighter is one thing, but that won't matter if the winner strands a few billion people in the stone age trying to take a shortcut to white castle!
There aren't a lot of gameshow metaphors here, and I’d hate to disappoint. If I asked 100 people in a mall who should win that thing, I might find names like Dane Preston and Vhodka Black at the top of the survey. I’d strike out looking for myself on my own show. If you put my name on a puzzle board, you'll need to buy a lot vowels to spell it, so Harvey Marx won out.
What does this have to do with winning a car? If you guessed “absolutely nothing” you are today's winner. I didn't get to this point being the person I'm expected to be. I didn't get here as a gameshow host, a promotor, or a fighter. I got here by becoming your Big Ticket to what you never thought possible. That's how I'm going to win that car. You'll see what I mean in a few days.
And again in a few more.
Try not to think about it.