'The Comedian' Allen Chaney- Cheers to the Hecklers
Nov 19, 2022 22:24:27 GMT -5
ENIGMA, Harvey Marx, and 1 more like this
Post by allenchaney on Nov 19, 2022 22:24:27 GMT -5
As standard a setup as you’ve ever seen. Brick wall, spotlight, stool, microphone.
Funny Fat Fuck occasionally glancing at a notebook on the stool right beside a water bottle.
“I think it’s so weird that ‘Have It Your Way’ is still the slogan for Burger King. It’s the most underachieving mission statement in the world. If you boil it down to its bare idea it’s basically ‘We will only give you the food you ordered’. That only makes sense if McDonalds old slogan was like ‘You’ll Eat What We Fucking Give You’.” Allen says, taking a moment to pause for laughter. Kind of a small crowd but they’re having a good time.
“Can I take your order? A Big Mac with….I’m sorry did you say ‘no onions’? Hey how about instead of a burger you go eat a big bag of shit, okay? You will have it OUR way, bitch.”
A few more laughs but something is cutting through the laughter and good times. Right in the front row a dude is talking on his phone and Allen just goes quiet and allows the room to get quiet with him and just stares at this guy, oblivious that the new show was him. Finally he felt all of the eyes on him and looked up at Allen staring directly at him.
“Sup?” Allen says. A chuckle from the audience.
“One sec.” The guy responds. Allen blinks in disbelief and does an exaggerated double take at the audacity on display.
“Oh sorry for being rude, my guy. Is this a work call? You got an office job?” The Comedian says, he actually hunkers down and sits down on the edge of the stage so he’s at eye level with this guy.
‘Uh…something like that yeah.” The man responds.
“Chill… so if you were giving some sort of presentation at this job would it be great for you if I walked into the conference room in the middle of that and started talking about Burger King or my dick or whatever? Would probably really fucking get in the way of your whole deal, huh?” Allen says, trying to get this guy to see where he’s coming from.
“I…uh…” The guy says.
‘Hey, you still on that call? Can I see?” Allen says. He holds out his hand and the man, realizing how on the spot he is, complies and hands Allen his phone. Allen puts it to his ear, the audience is RIVETED by this development.
‘Hello? Hi! Hey, my name is Allen. I'm a Comedian and your friend here…”
A pause…
“Your HUSBAND here…sorry. Yeah he’s on his phone in the FRONT ROW at the middle of my show so I figured he wanted me to say hi.”
Another pause.
“I know, what an asshole right?”
Good laugh from this.
“Your husband huh? Derek? Wow. Yeah he just told me you were ‘work’.”
A happy sigh from Allen.
“He got a tiny dick?”
Enormous laugh.
“Yeah…you not answering kinda tells me all I need to know. Well I’m gonna go but before I do I guess being a Comedian I’ll leave you with a joke. What has LITTLE balls and hangs DOWN? …give up? A bat! Cute, right. What has BIG balls and hangs UP?” Allen says right before he hangs up the phone and hands the phone back to ‘Derek’ presumably and stands, receiving an applause break.
“Sorry I asked your wife about your dick dude but also like….shut up while I’m doing my job..” Allen says.
A few months back was the night in New York that made him rethink everything. Too drunk to function and straight up laying down on the stage, hoping a bump of coke backstage would have him functional as the crowd kept sending up drinks.
Because if he couldn’t make them laugh or piledrive someone then seeing him fail would have to pass for entertainment.
It’s like he can look down and see himself laying on the stage. Pathetic. Begging for ‘help’ in a place devoid of sympathy. Just a bunch of cell phone cameras in his face.
Allen had not been able to watch any of the footage they took of him that night but he had been told one thing he said that just….rattles in his bones right now any time he considers going for a drink.
‘Why does it feel like I’m drowning?’
Allen realizes he’s still on stage and has maybe been quiet a little too long. That’s okay. He doesn’t panic. He clears his throat.
“You know a lot of people talk about that whole ‘The Stranger’ thing where you jerk off while your hand is numb so it feels like someone else is doing it, but I think we all know the real shitty part is having to sit on your other hand too so it also feels like a stranger is choking you or shoving a zucchini in your ass and frankly I can only suspend my disbelief regarding the horny zucchini ghost for so long. Hashtag Relatable am I right fellas? Everyone does that. Derek definitely does that.”
And Allen has the audience right back on his side again. After the show he signs a few autographs, takes a few pictures (even a nice one with Derek who ended up being a good sport) and soon he’s back in his car and making the 3 hour drive from Chicago to Fort Wayne, Indiana to his next hotel and the next night's gig. What the hell is there to do in Indiana?
It was 2 hours into his drive that he noticed Doris was slowing down. The maroon PT Cruiser that was just about old enough to buy alcohol if it was a person and not an old shitty car with a person name. Jennie had done everything she could to help Doris but warned Allen this was a possibility, especially if he was going to be actually traveling in this thing.
Allen pulls off to the side of the road and begins the process of stuffing all of his crap into bags and walking to the nearest gas station. Soon he’d have a Lyft to where he could grab a rental car while a tow company came to grab Doris.
“Well fuck me with a soft dick.” Allen says to himself before popping open a bag of Cheetos Hot Fries outside the gas station. He looks over to see a mom cover her kids ears over his language.
“Oh shit, sorry I-” Allen says but just stops himself and resolves to keep quiet until the child is out of earshot. He eats a few of the chips before releasing a long sigh. Jennie had done an incredible amount of tinkering (get your mind out of the gutter) but it was time to accept the facts.
“God dammit, I need a new car.”
“I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club.”
-Bill Hicks
ALLEN CHANEY: I work best when I’m where the danger is. So as a recovering alcoholic…
Allen gestures to his current surroundings, a nod to sitcom history as he is seated at a pretty accurate replica of the bar from Cheers. Allen takes a sip from a cocktail glass and all us watching have a moment of panic.
ALLEN CHANEY: It’s ginger ale, by the way.
Allen takes another sip before setting the glass on a coaster. We see him taking a moment to consider how he was going to start this.
ALLEN CHANEY: I rewatched Cheers recently… I used to really like that show. On a rewatch, it’s weird how manipulative it is when you consider the perspective. As someone who used to be a bouncer for a living I can tell you there is nothing more fucking terrifying than a Boston dive bar but I’ve developed this theory that we as an audience aren’t seeing the reality of it. We’re seeing this place from the perspectives of Cliff and Norm who view this place as a perfect safe haven where everyone ‘knows their name’ and they don’t have to acknowledge the existence of their wives or their own shitty lives. They don’t have to fix anything about themselves because there’s a place where they can drown out the sound of reality with alcohol and they can imagine themselves as the heroes of their story without ever having to actually improve. It’s the fantasy of all alcoholics that it makes them nicer to be around and funny and that everyone likes them. Granted this was my first time watching the show since I got sober but uh…yeah. The reality of Cheers is that if any of us walked into a bar and there were the same customers there every night and the owner was always trying to fuck his coworkers then yeah, we’d think that it was a really bad place.
Allen finishes his ginger ale and sets the glass back down before turning his attention to the camera.
ALLEN CHANEY: So what I’m thankful for is…clarity. I wasn’t at first, believe me. Clarity can show you all sorts of things you never wanted to see and I definitely had that but if you can’t see those things…you can’t take action to fix them. When my sitcom got canceled a few years ago I came back to wrestling and lashed out at everything and everyone because I put so much of myself into that show and for the world to reject it…. It felt like they were rejecting ME. Pour a bottle of Jack Daniels or two over that perspective and yeah. I did and said a lot of needlessly cruel shit because everything was the enemy and I was owed EVERYTHING from a world that decided it didn’t care if I lived or died. In retrospect I know how dramatic that sounds.
Allen shakes off his memory of all the terrible stuff he did to Ben Petrie and his loved ones in the name of ‘ratings’.
ALLEN CHANEY: And there’s still things I think I’m owed that I’m probably never going to get but now my perspective has shifted. I’m thankful to have goals. I’m thankful that the fight I am owed against Vhodka Black remains out of my reach because it means I still have things to reach for. Same with finding a tag partner and winning tag titles, running my own vanity show, Arby’s bringing back Potato Cakes, that match I want with Damian Ayla with no referee or medical stoppage, Jack in the Box bringing back Cheesy Macaroni bites, winning this whole damn World Series of Wrestling, Taco Bell bringing back the Grilled Stuft Nacho….okay I’m just now realizing how many of of these have to do with discontinued fast food items. I skipped lunch today and I came by my weight honestly, folks. Sorry, I’m done. Also the KFC Double Down. Now I’m done. For real this time.
Allen stops himself from mentioning the French Toaster from Sonic or the Angry Whopper. I promise Burger King didn’t sponsor this.
ALLEN CHANEY: Narrowing things down to one thing I’m thankful for, though? I’m thankful that I’m at a point in my life where that’s difficult to do. I may talk a lot of doom and gloom and lately a lot about dealing with some demons but things are going relatively well and I think a lot of this talk is me putting the finishing touches on purging a lot of my bad shit and I’m trying to go about doing it honestly…well as honestly as this thing will allow.
Allen points directly at us.
ALLEN CHANEY: …The camera, I mean. The camera is not fond of honesty. No one can act 100% genuine when they know there is a camera on them and that brings me to your next lesson in Comedy. Yeah you thought I forgot, didn’t ya? As the Comedian I get to choose what I show you. You can call it lying or selective honesty I guess but selective honesty is really just a weaselly way of saying lying. The point is that so long as I have control of the microphone and the spotlight and camera that I get to choose how much of this is real and how much of this…
Allen stands up so the camera is forced to follow him and we see the boom mic above him and the fact this bar has no roof, revealing that it exists only in a studio space. Up until this point it looked like a real bar.
ALLEN CHANEY: Is nothing more than a show. A lie. Something constructed to resemble the truth a great deal. The biggest lie I have perpetuated… is that I have softened in the past year or so. I think that’s a matter of perspective though… fuck I keep saying that word a bunch. You see, I used to do my part to ‘play’ the bad guy after my sitcom was canceled because I thought that was the only version of me people were interested in but the person everyone has seen in the ring… the person who can’t help but laugh when he causes grievous bodily harm to others? Yeah, that’s me. That’s really me… and I don’t know if I like hurting people so much as I just enjoy being really fucking good at my job but the fact remains that I like it. Either way it’s a pretty unhealthy mindset.
Allen steps back up to the bar set.
ALLEN CHANEY: Let’s put some more perspective on that…This is a wrestling event so I imagine it eventually has to come down to a fight and it’s become very apparent that I’m a bit of an unknown factor on that front so this is probably the part of this that everyone else in this contest should be paying attention to. I mentioned how much I want a match with Vhodka Black earlier that I feel like I am owed and Vhodka is one of the few people in this industry I consider a trusted friend. So I want you all to keep that level of friendship in mind when I follow it up by saying that if that fight actually happened I would do everything in my power to break a part of her in a way that will never be able to be completely fixed. That’s what I would do to a person I regularly call ‘Mom’. I talked about how cruel a person I used to be…but there is still a part of me that likes the idea of someone I’ve faced before feeling some stiffness in their neck when rain is coming and just… immediately my name and face are in their head. That’s probably fucked up… but that’s the mentality that’s brought me success. Outside of the ring I’ll shake your hand and I’ll shoot the shit and if you need a few bucks for the vending machine? I’ve got you. Once that bell rings I’m looking to fuck your whole month up. There’s all these folks who say ‘Oh Allen? He’s a good guy now’ and really there should be a big fucking asterisk next to that statement.
A pause, then a chuckle.
ALLEN CHANEY: Or was any of what I just said true at all? See? That’s what I’m talking about. So long as I have the spotlight I can say whatever cold badass shit I want even if it isn’t true. I’m the Comedian. I dictate the premise even if the premise is absurd or flat out untrue. I dictate the flow, and I dare any of you fucking hecklers to try and interrupt that flow.
Allen jumps on the bar and easily slides back behind it, grabbing a full bottle of what looks to be overproof rum, popping the top, and dumping it all over the bar as he talks as if this is definitely a normal thing people do.
ALLEN CHANEY: So what am I thankful for? There are much funnier answers to this question. I’m thankful the worlds dumbest smart person took over Twitter because now it might finally fucking blow up like one of his shitty adult Power Wheels cars. I’m thankful that I may get to bring my very attractive girlfriend to Thanksgiving dinner while my sister brings some guy named ‘Jeff’ or fucking whatever who sucks. Fuck you, hypothetical Jeff. I’m thankful Taco Bell brought back the Enchirito and Mexican Pizza OKAY I PROMISE I’M DONE WITH THE DISCONTINUED FAST FOOD BIT.
Allen sets the empty rum bottle aside a moment and pours himself another ginger ale.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’m thankful that I get to live a life where I don’t have to be a Norm or a Cliff or even a Frasier because I’m running out of sorrows to drown… I’m thankful that I have a life where parts of it are…
Allen steps back off the bar once more so we have the full view of a set, still keeping a casual tone as he grabs a gas can from off-screen.
ALLEN CHANEY: …nothing more than a show.
Allen uses the nozzle of the gas can to fill the empty bottle before stuffing a bar rag at the other end, the whole time whistling the tune to ‘Margaritaville’ by Jimmy Buffett as he does so.
That’s a callback, bitches.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’m very thankful that I already planned on not getting the deposit back on this studio rental….because if I want recognition I’m not gonna have to resort to propping up the bar and getting trashed at ‘a place where everybody knows my name’.
Allen takes out a zippo lighter with a smiley face logo on it and gives it a flick before setting the end of the rag on fire. He lets the fire at the end of the bottle burn for a little bit as he talks.
ALLEN CHANEY: Because what I’m thankful for most of all is that the World Series of Wrestling has afforded me an opportunity that everywhere I go, everyone will know my fucking name… and following that train of thought, I’m thankful that the Punchline for all of this is gonna be that in a world of glamorous instagram models with perfect bodies and their own wrestling schools who had people lining up to give them golden tickets… y’all about to get dog walked by some fat dude with anxiety issues and an emotional support cat who was added to this competition last minute to fill space. How fucking funny of a joke is that?
Allen turns around and hurls the bottle into the bar as hard as he can and it erupts in glass and flame, setting the rum on the bar alight and spreading quickly. Allen had always been a little nervous around fire but this… felt good. He turns and watches a few moments before turning back to face the camera.
ALLEN CHANEY: Setup. Punchline.
Allen notices he still had his Ginger Ale set aside and chuckles as for the first time he thinks of a better line to end on. He raises his glass to us as the bar behind him burns, the sign on the wall smashing down and hitting the ground.
ALLEN CHANEY: Cheers!
Allen downs his drink and throws the glass right at the camera which hard cuts to black right as the glass hits.
“Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop.”
-Christopher Titus
Funny Fat Fuck occasionally glancing at a notebook on the stool right beside a water bottle.
“I think it’s so weird that ‘Have It Your Way’ is still the slogan for Burger King. It’s the most underachieving mission statement in the world. If you boil it down to its bare idea it’s basically ‘We will only give you the food you ordered’. That only makes sense if McDonalds old slogan was like ‘You’ll Eat What We Fucking Give You’.” Allen says, taking a moment to pause for laughter. Kind of a small crowd but they’re having a good time.
“Can I take your order? A Big Mac with….I’m sorry did you say ‘no onions’? Hey how about instead of a burger you go eat a big bag of shit, okay? You will have it OUR way, bitch.”
A few more laughs but something is cutting through the laughter and good times. Right in the front row a dude is talking on his phone and Allen just goes quiet and allows the room to get quiet with him and just stares at this guy, oblivious that the new show was him. Finally he felt all of the eyes on him and looked up at Allen staring directly at him.
“Sup?” Allen says. A chuckle from the audience.
“One sec.” The guy responds. Allen blinks in disbelief and does an exaggerated double take at the audacity on display.
“Oh sorry for being rude, my guy. Is this a work call? You got an office job?” The Comedian says, he actually hunkers down and sits down on the edge of the stage so he’s at eye level with this guy.
‘Uh…something like that yeah.” The man responds.
“Chill… so if you were giving some sort of presentation at this job would it be great for you if I walked into the conference room in the middle of that and started talking about Burger King or my dick or whatever? Would probably really fucking get in the way of your whole deal, huh?” Allen says, trying to get this guy to see where he’s coming from.
“I…uh…” The guy says.
‘Hey, you still on that call? Can I see?” Allen says. He holds out his hand and the man, realizing how on the spot he is, complies and hands Allen his phone. Allen puts it to his ear, the audience is RIVETED by this development.
‘Hello? Hi! Hey, my name is Allen. I'm a Comedian and your friend here…”
A pause…
“Your HUSBAND here…sorry. Yeah he’s on his phone in the FRONT ROW at the middle of my show so I figured he wanted me to say hi.”
Another pause.
“I know, what an asshole right?”
Good laugh from this.
“Your husband huh? Derek? Wow. Yeah he just told me you were ‘work’.”
A happy sigh from Allen.
“He got a tiny dick?”
Enormous laugh.
“Yeah…you not answering kinda tells me all I need to know. Well I’m gonna go but before I do I guess being a Comedian I’ll leave you with a joke. What has LITTLE balls and hangs DOWN? …give up? A bat! Cute, right. What has BIG balls and hangs UP?” Allen says right before he hangs up the phone and hands the phone back to ‘Derek’ presumably and stands, receiving an applause break.
“Sorry I asked your wife about your dick dude but also like….shut up while I’m doing my job..” Allen says.
A few months back was the night in New York that made him rethink everything. Too drunk to function and straight up laying down on the stage, hoping a bump of coke backstage would have him functional as the crowd kept sending up drinks.
Because if he couldn’t make them laugh or piledrive someone then seeing him fail would have to pass for entertainment.
It’s like he can look down and see himself laying on the stage. Pathetic. Begging for ‘help’ in a place devoid of sympathy. Just a bunch of cell phone cameras in his face.
Allen had not been able to watch any of the footage they took of him that night but he had been told one thing he said that just….rattles in his bones right now any time he considers going for a drink.
‘Why does it feel like I’m drowning?’
Allen realizes he’s still on stage and has maybe been quiet a little too long. That’s okay. He doesn’t panic. He clears his throat.
“You know a lot of people talk about that whole ‘The Stranger’ thing where you jerk off while your hand is numb so it feels like someone else is doing it, but I think we all know the real shitty part is having to sit on your other hand too so it also feels like a stranger is choking you or shoving a zucchini in your ass and frankly I can only suspend my disbelief regarding the horny zucchini ghost for so long. Hashtag Relatable am I right fellas? Everyone does that. Derek definitely does that.”
And Allen has the audience right back on his side again. After the show he signs a few autographs, takes a few pictures (even a nice one with Derek who ended up being a good sport) and soon he’s back in his car and making the 3 hour drive from Chicago to Fort Wayne, Indiana to his next hotel and the next night's gig. What the hell is there to do in Indiana?
It was 2 hours into his drive that he noticed Doris was slowing down. The maroon PT Cruiser that was just about old enough to buy alcohol if it was a person and not an old shitty car with a person name. Jennie had done everything she could to help Doris but warned Allen this was a possibility, especially if he was going to be actually traveling in this thing.
Allen pulls off to the side of the road and begins the process of stuffing all of his crap into bags and walking to the nearest gas station. Soon he’d have a Lyft to where he could grab a rental car while a tow company came to grab Doris.
“Well fuck me with a soft dick.” Allen says to himself before popping open a bag of Cheetos Hot Fries outside the gas station. He looks over to see a mom cover her kids ears over his language.
“Oh shit, sorry I-” Allen says but just stops himself and resolves to keep quiet until the child is out of earshot. He eats a few of the chips before releasing a long sigh. Jennie had done an incredible amount of tinkering (get your mind out of the gutter) but it was time to accept the facts.
“God dammit, I need a new car.”
___________________
“I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club.”
-Bill Hicks
ALLEN CHANEY: I work best when I’m where the danger is. So as a recovering alcoholic…
Allen gestures to his current surroundings, a nod to sitcom history as he is seated at a pretty accurate replica of the bar from Cheers. Allen takes a sip from a cocktail glass and all us watching have a moment of panic.
ALLEN CHANEY: It’s ginger ale, by the way.
Allen takes another sip before setting the glass on a coaster. We see him taking a moment to consider how he was going to start this.
ALLEN CHANEY: I rewatched Cheers recently… I used to really like that show. On a rewatch, it’s weird how manipulative it is when you consider the perspective. As someone who used to be a bouncer for a living I can tell you there is nothing more fucking terrifying than a Boston dive bar but I’ve developed this theory that we as an audience aren’t seeing the reality of it. We’re seeing this place from the perspectives of Cliff and Norm who view this place as a perfect safe haven where everyone ‘knows their name’ and they don’t have to acknowledge the existence of their wives or their own shitty lives. They don’t have to fix anything about themselves because there’s a place where they can drown out the sound of reality with alcohol and they can imagine themselves as the heroes of their story without ever having to actually improve. It’s the fantasy of all alcoholics that it makes them nicer to be around and funny and that everyone likes them. Granted this was my first time watching the show since I got sober but uh…yeah. The reality of Cheers is that if any of us walked into a bar and there were the same customers there every night and the owner was always trying to fuck his coworkers then yeah, we’d think that it was a really bad place.
Allen finishes his ginger ale and sets the glass back down before turning his attention to the camera.
ALLEN CHANEY: So what I’m thankful for is…clarity. I wasn’t at first, believe me. Clarity can show you all sorts of things you never wanted to see and I definitely had that but if you can’t see those things…you can’t take action to fix them. When my sitcom got canceled a few years ago I came back to wrestling and lashed out at everything and everyone because I put so much of myself into that show and for the world to reject it…. It felt like they were rejecting ME. Pour a bottle of Jack Daniels or two over that perspective and yeah. I did and said a lot of needlessly cruel shit because everything was the enemy and I was owed EVERYTHING from a world that decided it didn’t care if I lived or died. In retrospect I know how dramatic that sounds.
Allen shakes off his memory of all the terrible stuff he did to Ben Petrie and his loved ones in the name of ‘ratings’.
ALLEN CHANEY: And there’s still things I think I’m owed that I’m probably never going to get but now my perspective has shifted. I’m thankful to have goals. I’m thankful that the fight I am owed against Vhodka Black remains out of my reach because it means I still have things to reach for. Same with finding a tag partner and winning tag titles, running my own vanity show, Arby’s bringing back Potato Cakes, that match I want with Damian Ayla with no referee or medical stoppage, Jack in the Box bringing back Cheesy Macaroni bites, winning this whole damn World Series of Wrestling, Taco Bell bringing back the Grilled Stuft Nacho….okay I’m just now realizing how many of of these have to do with discontinued fast food items. I skipped lunch today and I came by my weight honestly, folks. Sorry, I’m done. Also the KFC Double Down. Now I’m done. For real this time.
Allen stops himself from mentioning the French Toaster from Sonic or the Angry Whopper. I promise Burger King didn’t sponsor this.
ALLEN CHANEY: Narrowing things down to one thing I’m thankful for, though? I’m thankful that I’m at a point in my life where that’s difficult to do. I may talk a lot of doom and gloom and lately a lot about dealing with some demons but things are going relatively well and I think a lot of this talk is me putting the finishing touches on purging a lot of my bad shit and I’m trying to go about doing it honestly…well as honestly as this thing will allow.
Allen points directly at us.
ALLEN CHANEY: …The camera, I mean. The camera is not fond of honesty. No one can act 100% genuine when they know there is a camera on them and that brings me to your next lesson in Comedy. Yeah you thought I forgot, didn’t ya? As the Comedian I get to choose what I show you. You can call it lying or selective honesty I guess but selective honesty is really just a weaselly way of saying lying. The point is that so long as I have control of the microphone and the spotlight and camera that I get to choose how much of this is real and how much of this…
Allen stands up so the camera is forced to follow him and we see the boom mic above him and the fact this bar has no roof, revealing that it exists only in a studio space. Up until this point it looked like a real bar.
ALLEN CHANEY: Is nothing more than a show. A lie. Something constructed to resemble the truth a great deal. The biggest lie I have perpetuated… is that I have softened in the past year or so. I think that’s a matter of perspective though… fuck I keep saying that word a bunch. You see, I used to do my part to ‘play’ the bad guy after my sitcom was canceled because I thought that was the only version of me people were interested in but the person everyone has seen in the ring… the person who can’t help but laugh when he causes grievous bodily harm to others? Yeah, that’s me. That’s really me… and I don’t know if I like hurting people so much as I just enjoy being really fucking good at my job but the fact remains that I like it. Either way it’s a pretty unhealthy mindset.
Allen steps back up to the bar set.
ALLEN CHANEY: Let’s put some more perspective on that…This is a wrestling event so I imagine it eventually has to come down to a fight and it’s become very apparent that I’m a bit of an unknown factor on that front so this is probably the part of this that everyone else in this contest should be paying attention to. I mentioned how much I want a match with Vhodka Black earlier that I feel like I am owed and Vhodka is one of the few people in this industry I consider a trusted friend. So I want you all to keep that level of friendship in mind when I follow it up by saying that if that fight actually happened I would do everything in my power to break a part of her in a way that will never be able to be completely fixed. That’s what I would do to a person I regularly call ‘Mom’. I talked about how cruel a person I used to be…but there is still a part of me that likes the idea of someone I’ve faced before feeling some stiffness in their neck when rain is coming and just… immediately my name and face are in their head. That’s probably fucked up… but that’s the mentality that’s brought me success. Outside of the ring I’ll shake your hand and I’ll shoot the shit and if you need a few bucks for the vending machine? I’ve got you. Once that bell rings I’m looking to fuck your whole month up. There’s all these folks who say ‘Oh Allen? He’s a good guy now’ and really there should be a big fucking asterisk next to that statement.
A pause, then a chuckle.
ALLEN CHANEY: Or was any of what I just said true at all? See? That’s what I’m talking about. So long as I have the spotlight I can say whatever cold badass shit I want even if it isn’t true. I’m the Comedian. I dictate the premise even if the premise is absurd or flat out untrue. I dictate the flow, and I dare any of you fucking hecklers to try and interrupt that flow.
Allen jumps on the bar and easily slides back behind it, grabbing a full bottle of what looks to be overproof rum, popping the top, and dumping it all over the bar as he talks as if this is definitely a normal thing people do.
ALLEN CHANEY: So what am I thankful for? There are much funnier answers to this question. I’m thankful the worlds dumbest smart person took over Twitter because now it might finally fucking blow up like one of his shitty adult Power Wheels cars. I’m thankful that I may get to bring my very attractive girlfriend to Thanksgiving dinner while my sister brings some guy named ‘Jeff’ or fucking whatever who sucks. Fuck you, hypothetical Jeff. I’m thankful Taco Bell brought back the Enchirito and Mexican Pizza OKAY I PROMISE I’M DONE WITH THE DISCONTINUED FAST FOOD BIT.
Allen sets the empty rum bottle aside a moment and pours himself another ginger ale.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’m thankful that I get to live a life where I don’t have to be a Norm or a Cliff or even a Frasier because I’m running out of sorrows to drown… I’m thankful that I have a life where parts of it are…
Allen steps back off the bar once more so we have the full view of a set, still keeping a casual tone as he grabs a gas can from off-screen.
ALLEN CHANEY: …nothing more than a show.
Allen uses the nozzle of the gas can to fill the empty bottle before stuffing a bar rag at the other end, the whole time whistling the tune to ‘Margaritaville’ by Jimmy Buffett as he does so.
That’s a callback, bitches.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’m very thankful that I already planned on not getting the deposit back on this studio rental….because if I want recognition I’m not gonna have to resort to propping up the bar and getting trashed at ‘a place where everybody knows my name’.
Allen takes out a zippo lighter with a smiley face logo on it and gives it a flick before setting the end of the rag on fire. He lets the fire at the end of the bottle burn for a little bit as he talks.
ALLEN CHANEY: Because what I’m thankful for most of all is that the World Series of Wrestling has afforded me an opportunity that everywhere I go, everyone will know my fucking name… and following that train of thought, I’m thankful that the Punchline for all of this is gonna be that in a world of glamorous instagram models with perfect bodies and their own wrestling schools who had people lining up to give them golden tickets… y’all about to get dog walked by some fat dude with anxiety issues and an emotional support cat who was added to this competition last minute to fill space. How fucking funny of a joke is that?
Allen turns around and hurls the bottle into the bar as hard as he can and it erupts in glass and flame, setting the rum on the bar alight and spreading quickly. Allen had always been a little nervous around fire but this… felt good. He turns and watches a few moments before turning back to face the camera.
ALLEN CHANEY: Setup. Punchline.
Allen notices he still had his Ginger Ale set aside and chuckles as for the first time he thinks of a better line to end on. He raises his glass to us as the bar behind him burns, the sign on the wall smashing down and hitting the ground.
ALLEN CHANEY: Cheers!
Allen downs his drink and throws the glass right at the camera which hard cuts to black right as the glass hits.
“Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop.”
-Christopher Titus