Post by paulmontuori on Nov 8, 2022 19:05:20 GMT -5
“Yes, I have,” said Harry brightly. “He was my mum and dad’s best friend. He’s a convicted murderer, but he’s broken out of wizard prison and he’s on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though.. Keep up with my news.. Check if I’m happy..”
And, grinning broadly at the look of horror on Uncle Vernon’s face, Harry set off toward the station exit, Hedwig rattling along in front of him, for what looked like a much better summer than the last.
I look down at Ezra who’s fast asleep in my arms, purring quietly. Potter always works on the kid. He’s got good taste. Must be a Ravenclaw like his Pops.. I set the book aside and stand up, placing the kid in his bed. I look down at him, still feels like I’m in a dream. I’m a Father, going on Round Three. I never thought in a million years I’d ever have a family of my own..
I step out of his room, careful not to make a sound as I shut his door. I turn around to see a WSOW camera crew staring at me.
“Oh, well hello there. I didn’t know you were going to be here. Wait, is this the day you’re going to follow me for a profile for the World Series of Wrestling? Geez, if I would’ve remembered I would’ve made sure I was looking my best,” I say, talking into the camera. I start to laugh, realizing the absurdity of my statement. “Who am I fooling? I’m always looking my best. So I hope you weren’t waiting too long. I was just putting my son Ezra down. Interesting fact, it wasn’t too long ago that Ezra was actually my God Son. Then, through an interesting turn of events, it was revealed that in actuality he was my Son. Like blood. Wait, can I be his Godfather and his Father? Is that allowed? Welp, since you’re already here let’s get this thing started. Follow me.”
I start to make my way down the hall. I stop at a doorway, peering inside.
“This here, man, this used to be the dopest room. Full bar, stripper pool with actual strippers. The fucking debauchery that went on in this room.. Now it’s a fucking playroom full of Bluey and Blippie merch. That’s that family life for ya,” I say as I motion for the crew to continue following me.
“I know most of you at home have tuned in, hoping to see some crazy shit. But I must let you all know you are going to be disappointed. This profile won’t be full of drugs and strippers and the kind of debauchery that would make even Vhodka blush. Unfortunately for all of you that currently have your pee pee in your dick beaters, this profile is going to be full of wholesome, family fun. Because the Paul Montuori you used to know ceased to exist. Instead, you get this one,” I say as I walk into the kitchen and motion towards Madison who’s sitting at the counter messing with her phone. “This is my beautiful daughter, Madison. I actually only recently found out that Madison was my daughter. She was the result of an old romp I had with someone I used to be in the business with. She’s actually Michelle’s archnemesis who used to go by Miss Machelle. Maddy, say hello to the people at home.”
“Hi,” she replies without looking up from her phone. I shake my head, turning back to the camera.
“See what I have to deal with? Tweens,” I say. “She’s starting to act like she’s too cool. Pft, she’s nuts. She keeps forgetting how dope her Pops is. I mean bruh, look at me. No New Balances with my phone on a clip on my waist. No white tube socks pulled up to my kneecaps with a t-shirt tucked into some jorts. I’m nothing like the majority of suburban Dads out there who wouldn’t know cool if slapped them in the face.”
“You’re not that cool, Dad,”Madison chimes in as I look over to see that evil smirk on her face.
“You kidding me? Who’s a cooler Dad than me? Who’s a cooler human than me? I’m like, thee fucking best thing that ever came out of a pus.. Was ever born.”
“Nice save,” I hear Michelle say. I turn to see her nosey ass standing in the doorway of my office, Starbucks cup in my hand.
“That better be decaf,” I say sternly. She knows better.
“Ugh, will you stop already?”
“And I think it’s time for some maternity clothes,” I say, pointing to her belly sticking out from her shirt.
“Fuck you,” she says as she crosses the room and sits down on one of the bar stools.
“And for those of you who have been living under a rock. This is my beautiful Boo Thang, Fiance, Baby Momma and soon to be Baby Momma Dub Dub, your QUEEN Michelle Riggs.”
“Hello world,” she says as she takes a pull from her straw.
“Now where was I before I was rudely interrupted? Oh yeah, I’m sooo amazing and everyone loves and adores me,” I say, hearing Michelle groan while rolling her eyes. “Wha?”
“Stop being ridiculous. You’re lucky people tolerate you at this point after being scummy for so long.” I shoot her a look, then motion towards Madison. “Oh please. She has YouTube. Maddy, just please don’t watch any of your dad’s uh.. Adult movies.”
“Ew gross. I would never,” Madison says, with a luck of disgust on her face. Please Lawd, I’ve never asked you for anything. Even though I haven’t been the godliest person. But still I never asked for anything. And I’m trying to turn a new leaf, change the page, be a better human. I know you’ve seen me trying.. Anyway, just please, please never let her watch ‘La Anaconda Mordió A La Mujer.’ One of my biggest regrets. Never do porn in Honduras..
“Well, you’re one to talk,” I say back to Michelle. That’ll show her.
“Yeah, but I don’t give a fuck. I’m Michelle, take me or leave me at my fabulousness,” she says, taking a pull from the straw.
“Puke. Who wants a pregnant chick in her thirties who has a kid with a scummy person? You’re lucky I’ve kept you around for as long as I have.”
“Ouch, if I had a heart that would’ve stung. You’re lame. Your skin’s bad, your cuticles are dry and your hair has split ends,” she says, with that devilish grin on her face. I instantly gasped, looking down at my nails then running my hands through my hair.
“How dare you! Like Todrick would say, it’s the lies for me. Or was that one of the Austin’s?”
“So what are we doing tonight?” Madison asks as she finally looks up from her phone.
“Same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try and take over the World!” I reply, laughing maniacally.
“Who’s Pinky?”
“Who’s Pinky?! One of thee dopest sidekicks ever from Pinky & the Brain.”
“Is this another one of those old shows from your childhood?”
“Old shows?“
“Yeah Dad, old.”
“Old would imply I’m old.”
“Aren’t you?” She asks as I let out a gasp.
“How dare you?!”
“Aren’t you old?”
“No!”
“How old are you then?”
“In rasslin years or real life? Doesn’t matter,” I say as I open the fridge and pull out some chocolate milk.
“See,” Madison says.
“Wha? It’s not even cow milk. It’s organic, vegan, gluten free, the works,” I reply as I pop the top and take a swig of that chocolatey goodness. “You down for some Sorry? Or Trouble?”
“Not if you’re going to cheat again.”
“Cheat? Me? Never.”
“You cheat at every game,” Michelle replies.
“Bullshit, you’re just a sore loser. Plus, how do you cheat at Trouble? You push the bubble and the dice bounces around.”
“I’m sure you found a way.”
“Bullshit,” I reply as I turn to the camera. “They’re just hating because I beat them at everything. Monopoly, Risk, Jacks, Marbles, whatever. Don’t matter.”
“What are you talking about?” Rosa says as she walks into the kitchen.
“How big of a cheater Dad is.”
“El mas grande cheater del mundo. The biggest,” Rosa replies.
“The lies!” I respond back to the camera. “Fandom, this is my Housekeeper slash Nanny slash Chef slash..”
“Slash todo. Paul doesn’t even know how to wash his own clothes. Pobrecito ruined his clothes once.”
“Wha? Someone as outstanding as myself should never have to wash his own clothes.. Listen, the WSOW didn’t send a camera crew to capture the biggest star in the event being disrespected by his own family,” I say, completely taken aback by the hate that’s permeating through this house today. After everything I’ve done for them.
“No it’s OK, it's not bad to get some footage of you in your element before the interview” the producer replies offscreen. I shoot him that look like Bruh, really? Looks like I gotta get this crew out of here before my ganggang embarrasses me more than they already have.
“Anyway.. What are you up to Rosa?” I ask, trying to change the subject slash roast onto her.
“I have a hot date with a muchacho muy guapo,” she replies.
“Do you want me to stay up and make sure you get home safe?”
“No mijo, if everything goes good I won’t be coming home.”
“Ew gross.”
“Que? I didn’t shave for nothing.”
“Alright, with that it’s a wrap..”
And, grinning broadly at the look of horror on Uncle Vernon’s face, Harry set off toward the station exit, Hedwig rattling along in front of him, for what looked like a much better summer than the last.
I look down at Ezra who’s fast asleep in my arms, purring quietly. Potter always works on the kid. He’s got good taste. Must be a Ravenclaw like his Pops.. I set the book aside and stand up, placing the kid in his bed. I look down at him, still feels like I’m in a dream. I’m a Father, going on Round Three. I never thought in a million years I’d ever have a family of my own..
I step out of his room, careful not to make a sound as I shut his door. I turn around to see a WSOW camera crew staring at me.
“Oh, well hello there. I didn’t know you were going to be here. Wait, is this the day you’re going to follow me for a profile for the World Series of Wrestling? Geez, if I would’ve remembered I would’ve made sure I was looking my best,” I say, talking into the camera. I start to laugh, realizing the absurdity of my statement. “Who am I fooling? I’m always looking my best. So I hope you weren’t waiting too long. I was just putting my son Ezra down. Interesting fact, it wasn’t too long ago that Ezra was actually my God Son. Then, through an interesting turn of events, it was revealed that in actuality he was my Son. Like blood. Wait, can I be his Godfather and his Father? Is that allowed? Welp, since you’re already here let’s get this thing started. Follow me.”
I start to make my way down the hall. I stop at a doorway, peering inside.
“This here, man, this used to be the dopest room. Full bar, stripper pool with actual strippers. The fucking debauchery that went on in this room.. Now it’s a fucking playroom full of Bluey and Blippie merch. That’s that family life for ya,” I say as I motion for the crew to continue following me.
“I know most of you at home have tuned in, hoping to see some crazy shit. But I must let you all know you are going to be disappointed. This profile won’t be full of drugs and strippers and the kind of debauchery that would make even Vhodka blush. Unfortunately for all of you that currently have your pee pee in your dick beaters, this profile is going to be full of wholesome, family fun. Because the Paul Montuori you used to know ceased to exist. Instead, you get this one,” I say as I walk into the kitchen and motion towards Madison who’s sitting at the counter messing with her phone. “This is my beautiful daughter, Madison. I actually only recently found out that Madison was my daughter. She was the result of an old romp I had with someone I used to be in the business with. She’s actually Michelle’s archnemesis who used to go by Miss Machelle. Maddy, say hello to the people at home.”
“Hi,” she replies without looking up from her phone. I shake my head, turning back to the camera.
“See what I have to deal with? Tweens,” I say. “She’s starting to act like she’s too cool. Pft, she’s nuts. She keeps forgetting how dope her Pops is. I mean bruh, look at me. No New Balances with my phone on a clip on my waist. No white tube socks pulled up to my kneecaps with a t-shirt tucked into some jorts. I’m nothing like the majority of suburban Dads out there who wouldn’t know cool if slapped them in the face.”
“You’re not that cool, Dad,”Madison chimes in as I look over to see that evil smirk on her face.
“You kidding me? Who’s a cooler Dad than me? Who’s a cooler human than me? I’m like, thee fucking best thing that ever came out of a pus.. Was ever born.”
“Nice save,” I hear Michelle say. I turn to see her nosey ass standing in the doorway of my office, Starbucks cup in my hand.
“That better be decaf,” I say sternly. She knows better.
“Ugh, will you stop already?”
“And I think it’s time for some maternity clothes,” I say, pointing to her belly sticking out from her shirt.
“Fuck you,” she says as she crosses the room and sits down on one of the bar stools.
“And for those of you who have been living under a rock. This is my beautiful Boo Thang, Fiance, Baby Momma and soon to be Baby Momma Dub Dub, your QUEEN Michelle Riggs.”
“Hello world,” she says as she takes a pull from her straw.
“Now where was I before I was rudely interrupted? Oh yeah, I’m sooo amazing and everyone loves and adores me,” I say, hearing Michelle groan while rolling her eyes. “Wha?”
“Stop being ridiculous. You’re lucky people tolerate you at this point after being scummy for so long.” I shoot her a look, then motion towards Madison. “Oh please. She has YouTube. Maddy, just please don’t watch any of your dad’s uh.. Adult movies.”
“Ew gross. I would never,” Madison says, with a luck of disgust on her face. Please Lawd, I’ve never asked you for anything. Even though I haven’t been the godliest person. But still I never asked for anything. And I’m trying to turn a new leaf, change the page, be a better human. I know you’ve seen me trying.. Anyway, just please, please never let her watch ‘La Anaconda Mordió A La Mujer.’ One of my biggest regrets. Never do porn in Honduras..
“Well, you’re one to talk,” I say back to Michelle. That’ll show her.
“Yeah, but I don’t give a fuck. I’m Michelle, take me or leave me at my fabulousness,” she says, taking a pull from the straw.
“Puke. Who wants a pregnant chick in her thirties who has a kid with a scummy person? You’re lucky I’ve kept you around for as long as I have.”
“Ouch, if I had a heart that would’ve stung. You’re lame. Your skin’s bad, your cuticles are dry and your hair has split ends,” she says, with that devilish grin on her face. I instantly gasped, looking down at my nails then running my hands through my hair.
“How dare you! Like Todrick would say, it’s the lies for me. Or was that one of the Austin’s?”
“So what are we doing tonight?” Madison asks as she finally looks up from her phone.
“Same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try and take over the World!” I reply, laughing maniacally.
“Who’s Pinky?”
“Who’s Pinky?! One of thee dopest sidekicks ever from Pinky & the Brain.”
“Is this another one of those old shows from your childhood?”
“Old shows?“
“Yeah Dad, old.”
“Old would imply I’m old.”
“Aren’t you?” She asks as I let out a gasp.
“How dare you?!”
“Aren’t you old?”
“No!”
“How old are you then?”
“In rasslin years or real life? Doesn’t matter,” I say as I open the fridge and pull out some chocolate milk.
“See,” Madison says.
“Wha? It’s not even cow milk. It’s organic, vegan, gluten free, the works,” I reply as I pop the top and take a swig of that chocolatey goodness. “You down for some Sorry? Or Trouble?”
“Not if you’re going to cheat again.”
“Cheat? Me? Never.”
“You cheat at every game,” Michelle replies.
“Bullshit, you’re just a sore loser. Plus, how do you cheat at Trouble? You push the bubble and the dice bounces around.”
“I’m sure you found a way.”
“Bullshit,” I reply as I turn to the camera. “They’re just hating because I beat them at everything. Monopoly, Risk, Jacks, Marbles, whatever. Don’t matter.”
“What are you talking about?” Rosa says as she walks into the kitchen.
“How big of a cheater Dad is.”
“El mas grande cheater del mundo. The biggest,” Rosa replies.
“The lies!” I respond back to the camera. “Fandom, this is my Housekeeper slash Nanny slash Chef slash..”
“Slash todo. Paul doesn’t even know how to wash his own clothes. Pobrecito ruined his clothes once.”
“Wha? Someone as outstanding as myself should never have to wash his own clothes.. Listen, the WSOW didn’t send a camera crew to capture the biggest star in the event being disrespected by his own family,” I say, completely taken aback by the hate that’s permeating through this house today. After everything I’ve done for them.
“No it’s OK, it's not bad to get some footage of you in your element before the interview” the producer replies offscreen. I shoot him that look like Bruh, really? Looks like I gotta get this crew out of here before my ganggang embarrasses me more than they already have.
“Anyway.. What are you up to Rosa?” I ask, trying to change the subject slash roast onto her.
“I have a hot date with a muchacho muy guapo,” she replies.
“Do you want me to stay up and make sure you get home safe?”
“No mijo, if everything goes good I won’t be coming home.”
“Ew gross.”
“Que? I didn’t shave for nothing.”
“Alright, with that it’s a wrap..”