The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
Nov 7, 2022 23:12:54 GMT -5
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ENIGMA and Harvey Marx like this
Post by vhodka on Nov 7, 2022 23:12:54 GMT -5
The man stares at her, twinkle in his eye no longer twinkling as he takes in everything that she has rattled off at him the last few minutes. When he took this job, he thought it might be a fun way to make a little extra holiday cash on the side while bringing some joy to some little kids. What he didn’t count on was the spastic orange haired baby gazelle that had perched herself on his lap, put on his hat and was currently twirling his beard in her fingers as she looked at him expectantly.
Santa’s gaze shifts behind Vhodka Black to the group of children and parents standing nearby who have witnessed this encounter as one of the children enters into meltdown mode that the “mean lady” won’t let him have a turn with Santa.
Vhodka’s head snaps behind her to stare at the distressed seven-year-old as his parents try to calm him, likely out of fear of the nutcase lounged leisurely in Santa Clause’ lap. The Elves, for their part in this, are secretly delighted with the day's turn of events. For too long this musty old man has sat in his throne, looking down on their kind with the heightened superiority of the aristocratic class. Every night and day working their poor little elf fingers to the bones for less than minimum wage while this jolly fuck gets to gorge himself on Sbarro in the food court. Today is your day of reckoning Kringle, the elves will suffer no more.
Vhodka huffs her breath, dramatically rolling her eyes as hard as she can as she rises off Santa’s lap to make her way to the tantruming boy much to the fear of his parents. She bends her body down to get at eye level with the boy as she speaks.
“What’s the deal, bro?”
The boy seems shocked to find her so close, shocked enough he is able to choke back a few of the sobs he had been producing in order to answer her.
“You took my turn! I was supposed to go next and you're hogging him!”
Vhodka barks with laughter at the child before her.
“Excuse me?! Look here, Tiny Tim, I’ve been waiting a long time for my moment with the big man and I’m not going to have some selfish little twit screw it up for me. So, why don’t you go take yourself down to Bath and Body Works and wash your mouth out with soap for thinking you can come at me sideways. You’re messing up my moment.”
Vhodka spins on her heel making her way back to Santa as the boys' parents and several others that witnessed the interaction scurry their children away from the hostile takeover of the North Pole. Vhodka flops back down on Santa’s lap, throwing her legs over the arm of the chair and crossing her legs at the ankle, one arm around Mr. Clause neck meats.
“We probably need to hurry this up some. If my husband’s spidey senses start tingling because I’m sitting on another man's lap he’ll cut your hands off with a sharpened candy cane.”
Santa pales as he stammers trying to compose himself some, lest the aforementioned boyfriend show up.
“And what do you want for Christmas little...big… Valerie?”
“Valerie! Who the fuck is Valerie? My name is VHODKA you jolly bag of fuck.” Vhodka pulls back looking at Santa speculatively.
“You’ve got to do better than this, I’m starting to feel like you're an imposter. You aren’t a no good charlatan imposter are you?” She narrows her eyes at him, looking him over for signs of charlatanism.
“Why of course not! It’s just been a very long day for Santa, many kids have come through to tell me what sorts of special things they would like for Christmas. You understand!” Santa nervously responds, only now taking note of the cameras for the first time. His lips say “ho, ho, ho” but his eyes say “help me”.
“Well… you are getting up there in years. I guess I can see how you might have trouble keeping things straight having to know everyone in the entire world.”
“It’s quite a lot to remember.”
“Okay, I believe you. But don’t let it happen again, Papa Noel.”
“Now that we’ve gotten that sorted why don’t you go ahead and tell me what you’d like for Christmas?”
“First one thing!”
Vhodka places her fingers between her lips and whistles loudly to one of the elves that had been studiously trying to fly under the radar. The elf’s pointy eared head pops up and turns in Vhodka’s direction.
“Yo, Buddy The Elf, bring a pen and paper and get your ass into Santa’s workshop!”
The elf grumbles what is surely a bitchin’ eggnog recipe to one of its compatriots as it scurries to join Vhodka and Santa beside his glistening throne of merriment.
“Alright, listen close cause I’m only going to say this one time and I expect you will get it right. Elfonso, take notes for the old man on account of the dementia is starting to set in.” Vhodka takes a deep breath as the elf stands at the ready, candy cane pen poised to paper.
“First things first, I want something for my semi ex sister in law Sarah. She’s the one with the Arby’s beef ‘n cheddar coochie that I wrote you about when I sent in my list. I realize that she doesn’t shower but eventually she’s going to have to get into a lake or a retainer pond or something so I need you to come up with a water dwelling isopod that travels in to her body via mouth or other orifice and then eats her organs from the inside out while she’s still alive. I know it’s the same thing I asked for last year but you didn’t deliver and I was willing to cut you slack the first time on account of you being so overworked but this time I expect results, okay?”
Santa and Elfonso stare at her as she looks back and forth between the two.
“Um, I don’t see you writing? You DO know how to write, right? Kris Kringle here isn’t running some sort of Elf sweatshop and not properly educating you all, is he? Cause you have rights, you know! Your people are a protected class and some holly jolly asshole like this doesn’t get to ignore your education just because he was born with implicit bias and prejudices passed down through generational circumstances!”
Santa is almost desperately trying to calm her down with soothing hand motions and soft tones as Elfonso ponders the merits of admitting less than stellar treatment back at the North Pole before he ultimately decides to begin writing down her wishes.
“Now, now, no need to get your tinsel in a twist! I love all my elves as if they were my own children and I assure you they receive top of the line education and care directly from Mrs. Clause and myself.”
“I’m going to take your word for it this time, old man, but if I so much as hear a murmur from one of these elves that you’ve not treated them with the respect they deserve then so help me god I will take those cookies and milk and shove them right up your chimney, fat boy. You got it?”
She pauses, glancing back towards Elfonso who seems to be confused on how much of this he should be realistically writing down. Santa nods enthusiastically.
“Anyway, my second gift is the reason for all the cameras.” Vhodka gestures to the camera crew surrounding the two.
“I had assumed you were going to be making some sort of amateur video once you left here.” Santa wiggled his nose suggestively as Vhodka’s face contorted into disgust.
“I swear to god if I feel a candy cane in your pocket all of a sudden I’m going to roast your chestnuts.” Santa makes a push away gesture with his hands as if he meant no harm.
“As I was saying, my second gift has to do with this whole World Series of Wrestling thing I’m competing in. See, whoever wins this thing gets untold riches and a bunch of appple sauce and a lock of Larry Tact’s hair and I can’t just rely on my god given talent and the fact that I’m better than everyone else to ensure I win.” Vhodka smiles sweetly at the camera.
“I want you to make sure to, eh, grease the palms of Mr. Sauce and associates. If you catch my drift.”
Santa looos conflicted as he considers her request.
“Now, Vhodka. That doesn’t seem like the Christmas spirit towards the other wrestlers who will be competing against you.” Santa admonishes.
“It’s nothing personal, so don’t think that it is. It’s just business. I’m sure you deal with something similar with that furry fuck the Easter Bunny, right?”
“Fuckin’ Easter bunny..”
“Here, here, man. You are the star of the holiday mascots just like I am the rightful star of the World Series of Wrestling.”
Vhodka stands, removing Santa’s hat from her head and placing it back on his own as she looks down at him.
“I hate to cut this short when we were just starting to bond but Vin is going to start looking for me soon and I would hate anything to happen to you before Christmas. Now, I want you to remember what said about the isopod, okay? Don’t fuck it up again this year like you did last time. Seriously, I’m warning you.” She turns toward Elfonso. “If he doesn’t treat you right, you call me, alright?”
And with that she was off like a sleigh through the air if the sleigh was a five foot seven probably mostly humanoid woman with more energy than a capybara that’s been shotgunning Mountain Dew Code Red all night. She calls back over her shoulder one last time as she disappears through the crowd.
“Merry Christmas to all and to all let’s fight.”