Post by allenchaney on Oct 22, 2022 18:42:49 GMT -5
Allen blinks at this question .
Twice.
Then he looks at the mic in his hand and smirks. He had an answer to this and he has been wanting to get this off his chest for a VERY long time.
ALLEN CHANEY: Okay so… I’m gonna say something you’ve maybe never heard anyone say before but I PROMISE I can justify it. I need everyone to take a big deep breath before I say what I have to say.
A pause so the judges can breathe.
ALLEN CHANEY: I really wanna kick Jimmy Buffett’s ass. Look, hear me out on this. I want you to understand the gravity of me attacking and likely giving a Punchline piledriver to 75 year old Jimmy Buffett before I explain why. Imagine it. Imagine his brittle old bitch bones breaking with little effort in the middle of one of his own Margaritaville franchise restaurants, sending coconut shrimp and shitty watered down overpriced drinks flying as I put him through a table. . I want you all nice and horrified before I properly explain this. Okay. Here we go. Jimmy Buffett has never had anything actually bad happen to him. Every song he puts out in the past two decades or so is about how great it is to be Jimmy Buffett. There are like two recorded incidents of slight inconveniences happening to Jimmy Buffett and they impacted him so much he wrote silly little songs about them. Jimmy Buffett once crashed a plane that he owned and was flying, didn’t get hurt, and then wrote a song about it and made a bunch of money. This fucking guy CRASHED A PLANE and turned it into a PROFITABLE BUSINESS VENTURE. Jimmy Buffett is one of the world's wealthiest musicians and I’ll say it again NOTHING BAD HAS EVER HAPPENED TO HIM. I… think about that and I can feel something…fiery and primal in my chest. Seriously, I like to think I’ve mellowed out quite a bit lately but the thought of Jimmy Buffett having so much success and never having had a single terrible thing happen to him fills me with a blinding rage. A blinding rage that would see his body mangled in a thrilling and swift display of wrestling violence in one of his shitty overpriced restaurants.
Allen takes a brief moment to smile at the mental image in his head.
ALLEN CHANEY: To start off with there is the notoriety. Jimmy Buffett got sued once over performing a song he didn’t have the rights to and he was CLEARLY in the wrong. So he wrote a song about how much he disliked the guy who sued him and probably made another million dollars off of it because fuck him. If that slight was all it took to get a song about you? Can you IMAGINE what would happen after he got out of the hospital after me beating the shit out of him? There will be a whole ‘Allen Chaney Kicked My Ass’ Album AND world tour where rich dickheads in Hawaiian shirts will pay to hear Jimmy Buffett sing about me being a violent asshole and honestly just the thought of it gives me a happy little flutter in my front pants place. I’d obviously get ‘canceled’ but of course the modern definition of ‘canceled’ means Netflix would cut me a million dollar check to half-ass a one hour comedy special where I talk about how much I ‘triggered’ everyone without having to stoop to being a lame unfunny hack who is like ‘PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT PRONOUNS AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND’ because frankly I haven’t fucked my career up enough yet that I can only appeal to awful people by saying awful things. Louis CK almost ruined Stand Up Comedy. I’d kick his ass too. Anyway…
Allen makes a hand gesture suggesting we are moving past that.
ALLEN CHANEY: So many of the people in this competition are the EXACT same way. Talking about how wealthy they are. Posting ‘candid’ pictures from the gym clearly taken by a professional photographer. I’d really like to know who their agent is because I’m pretty fucking good at my job. I work hard and I make a decent living but I’m not making private jet money. So that’s what I want to bring to Jimmy Buffett and to everyone else in this competition. 300 pounds of moonsaulting reality crashing down on top of you all at once. I’m not pretty enough to spend my time off peeling my clothes off for money. There’s no ‘guest buck’ spots for The Comedian and there’s very few sponsorships. To put food on my table I had to get really fucking good at two things: Dick jokes and Violence. For Jimmy Buffett to just smile and sing shitty songs and not have to put in the work or struggle for all that success that just fell into his fucking lap... Nah. Nope. He has earned every second of what I’d do to him. A white hippy lady once told me that as a Libra I seek out balance and maybe that’s what this is all about. I will bring about balance in the life of Jimmy Buffett. I know a thing or two about balance. For every championship I’ve ever held I can show you a scar I got on my way to it. For every great joke I’ve ever told I can show you a bill from my therapist that got me to the headspace I needed to be in. Quick example.
A throat clear as Allen shifts into stand-up mode for a one-liner.
ALLEN CHANEY: That ‘Johnson and Johnson’ No Tears stuff is bullshit. I’ve been using it to jerk off for a few weeks now and I’m still crying the whole time.
Another brief pause as we get back into the main point.
ALLEN CHANEY: I can stand up here and talk about balance and jacking off for hours but …. There’s something to be said about the feeling of knowing that you’re the worst thing that has ever happened to someone. Not only does that mean you’ve had a significant impact, I think it means you’ve had a significant POSITIVE impact. Whether you’re Jimmy Buffett or anyone I’m across the ring from, it’s up to you to decide what happens after I spike you on top of your dipshit head. I’ve become good at what I do by taking every single one of my failures in life and wearing them as a big fucking chip on my shoulder and making all of them everyone else's problem. I lay them all bare for everyone to see and ask them what the fuck they can do to me or say to me that I haven’t already been through. If you get your ass kicked and you don’t take a lesson away from it then all you got was your ass kicked. So yeah, if Jimmy Buffett survives what I put him through? I would be the worst thing that ever happened to him and I’d expect a fucking thank you card for it down the line. If he survives. It’s entirely possible that old bitch would die, I’m not gonna lie.
I got on camera and told you that life is a joke and that the trick to mastering that is to be a Comedian. I do believe that, but that was only lesson one. If I had to put a bow on this and call it lesson two then I guess that lesson would be… a Punchline is always coming and sometimes it’s hard to find that Punchline funny if the joke is on you. I know people are gonna get cut from this competition soon and a lot of them are just going ot bitch and moan about it and you know what? That’s valid. Losing sucks. But from there…maybe then the joke becomes that they come back next year better than ever and throw that in your faces and win this whole fuckin thing. That’d be rad.
Allen gestures to the judges as he says this.
ALLEN CHANEY: And hey. Maybe the punchline is that you’re a 75-year old lame lily-white motherfucker making millions co-opting Island culture and one day some angry fat guy you’ve never heard of uncorks the ass-beating of the century on you for no discernable reason. Maybe that isn’t funny to you, but you can rest easy knowing at least a few people will be entertained. It'd certainly leave me laughing my ass off. Setup. Punchline.
Allen flips the microphone in his hand and extends the handle back to whoever handed it to him.
Twice.
Then he looks at the mic in his hand and smirks. He had an answer to this and he has been wanting to get this off his chest for a VERY long time.
ALLEN CHANEY: Okay so… I’m gonna say something you’ve maybe never heard anyone say before but I PROMISE I can justify it. I need everyone to take a big deep breath before I say what I have to say.
A pause so the judges can breathe.
ALLEN CHANEY: I really wanna kick Jimmy Buffett’s ass. Look, hear me out on this. I want you to understand the gravity of me attacking and likely giving a Punchline piledriver to 75 year old Jimmy Buffett before I explain why. Imagine it. Imagine his brittle old bitch bones breaking with little effort in the middle of one of his own Margaritaville franchise restaurants, sending coconut shrimp and shitty watered down overpriced drinks flying as I put him through a table. . I want you all nice and horrified before I properly explain this. Okay. Here we go. Jimmy Buffett has never had anything actually bad happen to him. Every song he puts out in the past two decades or so is about how great it is to be Jimmy Buffett. There are like two recorded incidents of slight inconveniences happening to Jimmy Buffett and they impacted him so much he wrote silly little songs about them. Jimmy Buffett once crashed a plane that he owned and was flying, didn’t get hurt, and then wrote a song about it and made a bunch of money. This fucking guy CRASHED A PLANE and turned it into a PROFITABLE BUSINESS VENTURE. Jimmy Buffett is one of the world's wealthiest musicians and I’ll say it again NOTHING BAD HAS EVER HAPPENED TO HIM. I… think about that and I can feel something…fiery and primal in my chest. Seriously, I like to think I’ve mellowed out quite a bit lately but the thought of Jimmy Buffett having so much success and never having had a single terrible thing happen to him fills me with a blinding rage. A blinding rage that would see his body mangled in a thrilling and swift display of wrestling violence in one of his shitty overpriced restaurants.
Allen takes a brief moment to smile at the mental image in his head.
ALLEN CHANEY: To start off with there is the notoriety. Jimmy Buffett got sued once over performing a song he didn’t have the rights to and he was CLEARLY in the wrong. So he wrote a song about how much he disliked the guy who sued him and probably made another million dollars off of it because fuck him. If that slight was all it took to get a song about you? Can you IMAGINE what would happen after he got out of the hospital after me beating the shit out of him? There will be a whole ‘Allen Chaney Kicked My Ass’ Album AND world tour where rich dickheads in Hawaiian shirts will pay to hear Jimmy Buffett sing about me being a violent asshole and honestly just the thought of it gives me a happy little flutter in my front pants place. I’d obviously get ‘canceled’ but of course the modern definition of ‘canceled’ means Netflix would cut me a million dollar check to half-ass a one hour comedy special where I talk about how much I ‘triggered’ everyone without having to stoop to being a lame unfunny hack who is like ‘PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT PRONOUNS AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND’ because frankly I haven’t fucked my career up enough yet that I can only appeal to awful people by saying awful things. Louis CK almost ruined Stand Up Comedy. I’d kick his ass too. Anyway…
Allen makes a hand gesture suggesting we are moving past that.
ALLEN CHANEY: So many of the people in this competition are the EXACT same way. Talking about how wealthy they are. Posting ‘candid’ pictures from the gym clearly taken by a professional photographer. I’d really like to know who their agent is because I’m pretty fucking good at my job. I work hard and I make a decent living but I’m not making private jet money. So that’s what I want to bring to Jimmy Buffett and to everyone else in this competition. 300 pounds of moonsaulting reality crashing down on top of you all at once. I’m not pretty enough to spend my time off peeling my clothes off for money. There’s no ‘guest buck’ spots for The Comedian and there’s very few sponsorships. To put food on my table I had to get really fucking good at two things: Dick jokes and Violence. For Jimmy Buffett to just smile and sing shitty songs and not have to put in the work or struggle for all that success that just fell into his fucking lap... Nah. Nope. He has earned every second of what I’d do to him. A white hippy lady once told me that as a Libra I seek out balance and maybe that’s what this is all about. I will bring about balance in the life of Jimmy Buffett. I know a thing or two about balance. For every championship I’ve ever held I can show you a scar I got on my way to it. For every great joke I’ve ever told I can show you a bill from my therapist that got me to the headspace I needed to be in. Quick example.
A throat clear as Allen shifts into stand-up mode for a one-liner.
ALLEN CHANEY: That ‘Johnson and Johnson’ No Tears stuff is bullshit. I’ve been using it to jerk off for a few weeks now and I’m still crying the whole time.
Another brief pause as we get back into the main point.
ALLEN CHANEY: I can stand up here and talk about balance and jacking off for hours but …. There’s something to be said about the feeling of knowing that you’re the worst thing that has ever happened to someone. Not only does that mean you’ve had a significant impact, I think it means you’ve had a significant POSITIVE impact. Whether you’re Jimmy Buffett or anyone I’m across the ring from, it’s up to you to decide what happens after I spike you on top of your dipshit head. I’ve become good at what I do by taking every single one of my failures in life and wearing them as a big fucking chip on my shoulder and making all of them everyone else's problem. I lay them all bare for everyone to see and ask them what the fuck they can do to me or say to me that I haven’t already been through. If you get your ass kicked and you don’t take a lesson away from it then all you got was your ass kicked. So yeah, if Jimmy Buffett survives what I put him through? I would be the worst thing that ever happened to him and I’d expect a fucking thank you card for it down the line. If he survives. It’s entirely possible that old bitch would die, I’m not gonna lie.
I got on camera and told you that life is a joke and that the trick to mastering that is to be a Comedian. I do believe that, but that was only lesson one. If I had to put a bow on this and call it lesson two then I guess that lesson would be… a Punchline is always coming and sometimes it’s hard to find that Punchline funny if the joke is on you. I know people are gonna get cut from this competition soon and a lot of them are just going ot bitch and moan about it and you know what? That’s valid. Losing sucks. But from there…maybe then the joke becomes that they come back next year better than ever and throw that in your faces and win this whole fuckin thing. That’d be rad.
Allen gestures to the judges as he says this.
ALLEN CHANEY: And hey. Maybe the punchline is that you’re a 75-year old lame lily-white motherfucker making millions co-opting Island culture and one day some angry fat guy you’ve never heard of uncorks the ass-beating of the century on you for no discernable reason. Maybe that isn’t funny to you, but you can rest easy knowing at least a few people will be entertained. It'd certainly leave me laughing my ass off. Setup. Punchline.
Allen flips the microphone in his hand and extends the handle back to whoever handed it to him.