Post by Peter Vaughn on Oct 22, 2022 13:03:56 GMT -5
~Vaughn slowly walks onto the stage, staring out at the three judges before raising up his mic.~
Peter Vaughn: Who would I fight if I had the chance? It’s a pretty interesting question. I’m sure most will expect the usual names from me. James Raven. The Accelerator. Mike Zybala. And most would be completely wrong. Sure, I’d love to notch victories on all of them, but it wouldn’t make a difference in my life. No, I wouldn’t waste this opportunity on wrestlers. I would use it as a chance to destroy a nemesis from my past once and for all.
His name… is Vince Offer.
~Noting the blank stares of the judges, Vaughn nods, having expected this.~
Peter Vaughn: You may think this is a random name. But back in the day, this man drove me absolutely insane. You see, he was a comedian, a clown, a goofball. He wanted to be a director, heading up underground comedy movies. If he would have stuck to that profession, I would have had no problems with him. Maybe I would have even found humor in his movies, although that seems unlikely. The guy was never funny to me.
~Considering that Vaughn isn’t really known for having any sense of humor anymore, this doesn’t really mean much.~
Peter Vaughn: It was in 2007, though, when Vince started on the path towards eternal damnation. He found a product that was fairly popular on the tv infomercials under Billy May, the Zorbeez, and decided to market a similar product, making a whole feature-long pitch for them.
~Vaughn reaches into his back pocket, pulling out what appears to be a yellow towel.~
Peter Vaughn: For some reason, people listened to him. They believed him. They bought into his lies like he was a god-damn cult leader. And that’s basically what happened. He took over his ‘cult’. That’s when he became known as the ShamWow guy.
~Varying levels of comprehension come across the judge’s faces.~
Peter Vaughn: I see you guys recognize this horror as well, but then, who could forget it? All those damn catch phrases. “You following me, camera guy?” Of course he’s following you, you PAID him to follow you! But the son of a bitch had a silver tongue, apparently.
Vince did everything he could to oversell his product. He said it held 20-25 times its weight in water, which wasn’t even half right. He bragged about how it could clean up any mess, yet it routinely failed regular tests. But the reputation of the ShamWow became embedded in everyone’s memory… and for the next few years, every time I worked as a janitor to clean up unique messes, people always asked me if I had a ShamWow.
“It’d make it SOOOO much easier!”
“You’d be out of my way even faster…”
“Don’t they do all the work for you?”
~Vaughn says each quote in a different style of voice, showing the world that he would have made a decent ventriloquist.~
Peter Vaughn: It became the bane of any custodian. We hated those damn things. Give me a cloth rag or a mop, I’d do a better job of cleaning up with those than with a ShamWow. But the ShamWow rags were all I heard about. Again and again. I couldn’t avoid them. They even entered into my nightmares, making regular appearances. The damn things would try to absorb me, but of course, they’d fail. They weren’t even successful in dreams.
I just wanted them gone. I wanted them wiped from existence.
~As Vaughn speaks, his hands have started involuntarily ripping the ShamWow apart, piece by piece. It may be a sturdy piece of cloth, but it’s no match for Vaughn’s growing rage.~
Peter Vaughn: I hate how long of a shelf life they had, how they never really went away, no matter how much they sucked. And ol’ Vince wasn’t done. He would put out other products that he stole from others. The Slap Chop, what a stupid name. He stole that from an actual mechanic, robbing him of his plans and success. The InVinceable cleaning liquid, man, that was even worse than the ShamWow, as it was no better than water. It probably damaged more floors than the XWF has, and that’s a LOT of floors.
It’s been such a sinister situation for so long. Who knows how many millions Vince has stolen from people, when they could have been buying quality cleaning products! Their homes could have been so much nicer! Their businesses could have been immaculate! BUT NO! HE HAD TO MAKE A FORTUNE OFF OF THEIR DUMB ASSES!!!!
~Vaughn breathes heavily, letting the final bits of ShamWow fall from his fingers. He’s visibly seething, but manages to get himself under control.~
Peter Vaughn: So if you’re saying I can fight anyone I want, then bring on Vince FUCKING Offer. And don’t tell me it wouldn’t be a fair fight. The guy stands like 6’3”. He’s no little weakling. He’s also a damn millionaire, so he could train himself up for the battle. Of course, he’d also stand no chance against me, especially since when we fought, there’d be no rules.
~The grin at the thought of not being restricted slowly surfaces on Vaughn’s face.~
Peter Vaughn: I’m sure he’d try to buy his way out of trouble, like he did when he beat up that prostitute so that she wouldn’t bite off his tongue. Yeah, that happened, true story. He was so close to losing his manipulating voice, man, it would have been great. But he didn’t, and he used his cash to save himself. Those prosecutors who declined to file charges were obviously bought off. That won’t work with me. No amount of bribery would save him, because I don’t need his dirty money. I want much more than that.
I’d stuff that ShamWow where the sun doesn’t shine and see if it can absorb away his personality. I’d hit him with every Slap Chop I could manage, slashing up his chest and cracking his back. I’d use the Schticky to grind away at his forehead, maybe smooth out a few of those damn wrinkles of his. In all honesty, the only reason I’d need the referee there would be to make sure he survived the damn match.
~There’s a glint in Peter Vaughn’s eyes, showing how much he would enjoy the destruction of the ShamWow guy. It appears to be making at least one judge a little uncomfortable, although who knows for sure.~
Peter Vaughn: Once he's down, I would make sure to tell him everything I've always wanted to say to him. I'd tell him how he made my life hell, just so he could make some cash. I'd curse him for bringing that fucking ShamWow into the world. I'd ask him why he thinks a boring tuna sandwich equals a boring life. TUNA IS AMAZING, YOU JACKASS! NO MATTER HOW IT'S PREPARED!
~Vaughn is leaning over, as if actually picturing himself hovering over Vince's broken body.~
Peter Vaughn: And once I've told you all that you deserve to hear, that you surely knew in the back of your mind, then I'll finally do it. I'll put you out of your misery. And you'll take the damn PLUNGE.
~After a few seconds, Vaughn straightens up, coming out of his imagined massacre of Vince Offer. He clears his throat.~
Peter Vaughn: Anyhow, that’s who I would like to fight. If I could get access to a time machine, like Betsy Granger’s TARDIS, that would probably be best. I could go back before he ruined the world with his stolen inventions and make our planet a better place to live. But if time travel is out of the question, I have no problems going to his Los Angeles home, taking out his security, and then having some free time with him. He’s divorced, I believe, so the rest of his family wouldn’t be a problem.
~The judges all look at each other, with one raising his hand.~
Judge: Excuse me, Peter, but you DO know that this is a hypothetical question, don’t you? You aren’t REALLY supposed to go and attack the person you’re talking about.
~A few different emotions run across Vaughn’s face, before he settles on a small, fake smile.~
Peter Vaughn: Of course I know it isn’t real. I just… wanted to be thorough with my research. I mean, it’s good to know that he tends to go jogging at 6 in the morning every day, right? For informational purposes?
~There’s no response from the judges. None can really be expected. Vaughn nods, taking it as an acceptance of his comment.~
Peter Vaughn: Thank you all for your time and consideration. Keep it clean.
~Vaughn turns and walks off, pulling out his phone. He’s apparently checking out any new information on Offer’s whereabouts. The judges all begin to confer as the shot fades away.~
Peter Vaughn: Who would I fight if I had the chance? It’s a pretty interesting question. I’m sure most will expect the usual names from me. James Raven. The Accelerator. Mike Zybala. And most would be completely wrong. Sure, I’d love to notch victories on all of them, but it wouldn’t make a difference in my life. No, I wouldn’t waste this opportunity on wrestlers. I would use it as a chance to destroy a nemesis from my past once and for all.
His name… is Vince Offer.
~Noting the blank stares of the judges, Vaughn nods, having expected this.~
Peter Vaughn: You may think this is a random name. But back in the day, this man drove me absolutely insane. You see, he was a comedian, a clown, a goofball. He wanted to be a director, heading up underground comedy movies. If he would have stuck to that profession, I would have had no problems with him. Maybe I would have even found humor in his movies, although that seems unlikely. The guy was never funny to me.
~Considering that Vaughn isn’t really known for having any sense of humor anymore, this doesn’t really mean much.~
Peter Vaughn: It was in 2007, though, when Vince started on the path towards eternal damnation. He found a product that was fairly popular on the tv infomercials under Billy May, the Zorbeez, and decided to market a similar product, making a whole feature-long pitch for them.
~Vaughn reaches into his back pocket, pulling out what appears to be a yellow towel.~
Peter Vaughn: For some reason, people listened to him. They believed him. They bought into his lies like he was a god-damn cult leader. And that’s basically what happened. He took over his ‘cult’. That’s when he became known as the ShamWow guy.
~Varying levels of comprehension come across the judge’s faces.~
Peter Vaughn: I see you guys recognize this horror as well, but then, who could forget it? All those damn catch phrases. “You following me, camera guy?” Of course he’s following you, you PAID him to follow you! But the son of a bitch had a silver tongue, apparently.
Vince did everything he could to oversell his product. He said it held 20-25 times its weight in water, which wasn’t even half right. He bragged about how it could clean up any mess, yet it routinely failed regular tests. But the reputation of the ShamWow became embedded in everyone’s memory… and for the next few years, every time I worked as a janitor to clean up unique messes, people always asked me if I had a ShamWow.
“It’d make it SOOOO much easier!”
“You’d be out of my way even faster…”
“Don’t they do all the work for you?”
~Vaughn says each quote in a different style of voice, showing the world that he would have made a decent ventriloquist.~
Peter Vaughn: It became the bane of any custodian. We hated those damn things. Give me a cloth rag or a mop, I’d do a better job of cleaning up with those than with a ShamWow. But the ShamWow rags were all I heard about. Again and again. I couldn’t avoid them. They even entered into my nightmares, making regular appearances. The damn things would try to absorb me, but of course, they’d fail. They weren’t even successful in dreams.
I just wanted them gone. I wanted them wiped from existence.
~As Vaughn speaks, his hands have started involuntarily ripping the ShamWow apart, piece by piece. It may be a sturdy piece of cloth, but it’s no match for Vaughn’s growing rage.~
Peter Vaughn: I hate how long of a shelf life they had, how they never really went away, no matter how much they sucked. And ol’ Vince wasn’t done. He would put out other products that he stole from others. The Slap Chop, what a stupid name. He stole that from an actual mechanic, robbing him of his plans and success. The InVinceable cleaning liquid, man, that was even worse than the ShamWow, as it was no better than water. It probably damaged more floors than the XWF has, and that’s a LOT of floors.
It’s been such a sinister situation for so long. Who knows how many millions Vince has stolen from people, when they could have been buying quality cleaning products! Their homes could have been so much nicer! Their businesses could have been immaculate! BUT NO! HE HAD TO MAKE A FORTUNE OFF OF THEIR DUMB ASSES!!!!
~Vaughn breathes heavily, letting the final bits of ShamWow fall from his fingers. He’s visibly seething, but manages to get himself under control.~
Peter Vaughn: So if you’re saying I can fight anyone I want, then bring on Vince FUCKING Offer. And don’t tell me it wouldn’t be a fair fight. The guy stands like 6’3”. He’s no little weakling. He’s also a damn millionaire, so he could train himself up for the battle. Of course, he’d also stand no chance against me, especially since when we fought, there’d be no rules.
~The grin at the thought of not being restricted slowly surfaces on Vaughn’s face.~
Peter Vaughn: I’m sure he’d try to buy his way out of trouble, like he did when he beat up that prostitute so that she wouldn’t bite off his tongue. Yeah, that happened, true story. He was so close to losing his manipulating voice, man, it would have been great. But he didn’t, and he used his cash to save himself. Those prosecutors who declined to file charges were obviously bought off. That won’t work with me. No amount of bribery would save him, because I don’t need his dirty money. I want much more than that.
I’d stuff that ShamWow where the sun doesn’t shine and see if it can absorb away his personality. I’d hit him with every Slap Chop I could manage, slashing up his chest and cracking his back. I’d use the Schticky to grind away at his forehead, maybe smooth out a few of those damn wrinkles of his. In all honesty, the only reason I’d need the referee there would be to make sure he survived the damn match.
~There’s a glint in Peter Vaughn’s eyes, showing how much he would enjoy the destruction of the ShamWow guy. It appears to be making at least one judge a little uncomfortable, although who knows for sure.~
Peter Vaughn: Once he's down, I would make sure to tell him everything I've always wanted to say to him. I'd tell him how he made my life hell, just so he could make some cash. I'd curse him for bringing that fucking ShamWow into the world. I'd ask him why he thinks a boring tuna sandwich equals a boring life. TUNA IS AMAZING, YOU JACKASS! NO MATTER HOW IT'S PREPARED!
~Vaughn is leaning over, as if actually picturing himself hovering over Vince's broken body.~
Peter Vaughn: And once I've told you all that you deserve to hear, that you surely knew in the back of your mind, then I'll finally do it. I'll put you out of your misery. And you'll take the damn PLUNGE.
~After a few seconds, Vaughn straightens up, coming out of his imagined massacre of Vince Offer. He clears his throat.~
Peter Vaughn: Anyhow, that’s who I would like to fight. If I could get access to a time machine, like Betsy Granger’s TARDIS, that would probably be best. I could go back before he ruined the world with his stolen inventions and make our planet a better place to live. But if time travel is out of the question, I have no problems going to his Los Angeles home, taking out his security, and then having some free time with him. He’s divorced, I believe, so the rest of his family wouldn’t be a problem.
~The judges all look at each other, with one raising his hand.~
Judge: Excuse me, Peter, but you DO know that this is a hypothetical question, don’t you? You aren’t REALLY supposed to go and attack the person you’re talking about.
~A few different emotions run across Vaughn’s face, before he settles on a small, fake smile.~
Peter Vaughn: Of course I know it isn’t real. I just… wanted to be thorough with my research. I mean, it’s good to know that he tends to go jogging at 6 in the morning every day, right? For informational purposes?
~There’s no response from the judges. None can really be expected. Vaughn nods, taking it as an acceptance of his comment.~
Peter Vaughn: Thank you all for your time and consideration. Keep it clean.
~Vaughn turns and walks off, pulling out his phone. He’s apparently checking out any new information on Offer’s whereabouts. The judges all begin to confer as the shot fades away.~